my head is full

I need to find every way possible to make a little more money, save a lot, and spend as little as possible.

We just got a letter from our strata mgmt company that, pending a vote, in three weeks we will owe over 3 grand to pay for roof repairs. Granted, the roof repairs are on our side of the building. But still... three weeks?

More complaint letters to be written.

there

I’ve been trying to minimize and de-clutter, without actually throwing anything away (recycling, selling, giving away) and it’s not going very well. But the one thing I’ve always hankered for is a room with floor to ceiling bookshelves with books and books and books and books and books…. sigh.

I blogged. Even if it means I just copied and pasted part of a comment I left over at meli-mello.

I started somewhere. And that's where it got me.

I'm on the other side now.

I've had that whirring around in my head for a while now.

I want to do something that brings me happiness--something... something good. Something worthwhile. Something where I can feel ok that 99.9% of my attention isn't split between LB & LG. How do I get over feeling guilty when I need space from them? At the core of my silly self I don't ever want to be apart from LB. The bond with LG is still growing--I love him to bits, but I have a much easier time leaving him with my brother or Tom or his parents than I do with LB.

I'm just stuck.

A lot of the time when I'm saying something or writing something or doing something, I think about how it's going to make the person I'm talking to or writing to or doing whatever for feel. A lot. I send photos to Tom's parents of the kids and I'm thinking "She's going to be so happy I sent this. They'll think I'm such a sweet daughter-in-law." I bought my brother a digital camera for his birthday and I was so excited to see him open it because I knew he'd be totally surprised and thrilled and excited... and when one of the first things he says is "ha! I have a better digital camera than you" joking in that 19-year-old fashion of his, I can't take it as a joke. His comment bursts all the good feeling in me that I was doing something really great that he'd like and would make him happy.

I don't always think about how others are going to feel when I'm angry and I say something. The words come out like shrapnel. When I'm saying whatever I think about how I'm going to come across to everyone who can hear me, and think what they will think, will they take my side or think I'm being silly or immature or over-reacting.

This weekend I was playing Mastermind with Tom, and we started with a beginner level, using only 5 colours, each colour once and no empty spaces. I was the codemaker and tried hard to put the green, blue, red, orange and yellow pins in an order he wouldn't consider. His first try, he had three in the right order and the last two were switched. He just had to switch two and he'd be done. It took him 7 turns to guess it and my dad came to watch just as I was putting in 5 black pegs signaling that he had all the right colours in the right spot. I was stifling a smile, thinking that my dad is going to think my husband is clever for having figured it out so quickly.... and then Tom said, "that's what I put on my first try!" I looked back at his first turn, and now the pins were exactly as I'd made my hidden code. I looked like an idiot in front of my dad, I know I did. My dad laughed, and then was impressed that Tom got the right sequence on his first try. I was CERTAIN that he'd just missed by 2 pegs on his first try because I remember being impressed THEN that he had almost solved it when I had tried hard to put the pins in an odd sequence. Tom doesn't cheat. So I must have not seen the pins correctly the first time. But I can't believe that either. I don't think my parents are as proud of me as they are of my brothers. I know my dad was so thrilled and excited when I (the first child) was born.... but I think it's been downhill from there--high school drop-out, haven't yet got a job in the field I chose to study in college, my choice of work that he read in my portfolio (subject: acquaintance rape), surprise pregnancy, surprise marriage, another pregnancy, no work. I do feel like I'm taking my own path and to really be who I think I should be, who I really am at the core of myself, I had to step off the path that my parents laid before us, the path that my brothers are eagerly running along. I dropped off of it when I didn't finish high school. Since then I feel like I've done nothing but shock them. I feel like I've had to make these choices when I did and have these things happen to me when they did. I think it was all the right thing for me, it just totally doesn't mesh with the way the rest of my family lives.

How can I ever be a writer if I feel I have to write honestly but I also feel I have to edit everything knowing my parents are going to read it. I don't want to shock or horrify them more than I already have, but I also don't want to hide what I write that might be out in public.

Funny how one phone call can change a mood

I've been feeling all weird, like I'm in some mental limbo lately. But just now, my friend A called and we are going to meet up tomorrow after almost 2 weeks of not seeing each other. It's funny how we met, actually. She's a local mom, just lives a 5 minute walk from me, so we frequent the same park. We started talking at the sandbox after her son S tried to feed LB a pine cone. We'd see each other now and again at the park for the next two weeks after that, and then one Monday after I came back from a week in Kelowna, she came up to me (at the park, of course) and asked if LB and LG and I would like to join her and S in going to these little morning activities for kids they have around here--pre-pre-school type of things. I don't have the car, which was part of the reason she asked me... I think, to help me out. The next morning we squeezed my 2 car seats on either side of S's and we were off. We went out 3 times that week and a few times each of the following weeks. The week before last we had a play date over at their home... LB and S seem to like each other fairly well, although S is much more outgoing. So that blows LB away sometimes. But I'm really enjoying getting together with A. We talk easily, all the time... and we are similar in interesting ways. She's started her own home-based business; I want to. She's from Ontario; so am I. She has a degree in English lit; I have a diploma in writing. We were both married on stormy February days. And we are both the no-make up, pulled-back-hair, jeans-sweatshirts&sneakers type. :) I've lost touch with close friends from high school and now from college... although I do have a lot of good friends online. :) It's nice to know another mom that I'm friends with and our kids get along.

I know another mom, her hubby and Tom are old friends from high school, and they have a 1 year old son... but whenever she and I meet up, it's kind of all cautious and awkward. You know? There's no instant 'click'. She's supposed to be stopping by today actually, to pick up some old baby clothes for a friend of hers. Our last meeting fell through; she didn't show up, didn't call or email or anything until a couple of days later... so we'll see about this one.

Tomorrow my friend N (married to another of Tom's hs buddies) is stopping by and we are going to have one of our Costco adventures. She doesn't have any kids yet, but LB has really taken to her, and N is awesome with LG, too. She came over the first day I spent home alone with the 2 of them, and if she hadn't been there... wow. LB was super clingy, so N had to feed and take care of LG basically. And she just comes over from 45 min-1hr drive away, feeds me, plays with Lily and just balances me out when things get hairy.

So I guess the sudden realization that I do have friends, coupled with my recent ability to keep on top of the laundry, vacuuming, dishes, meals, baths, diapers, etc. really picked me up out of this funk I've been in. I feel... happy.

back

(moved to write largely due to finding starz again)

I survived 4 days in Oregon, approximately 800 miles driven with 2 kiddies, and 2 border crossings (shudder).

On the drive back I was listening to Great Big Sea, The Boss, and Tom Petty... and man, my thoughts were flowing and I was just cruising along in them (and on the I-5) and I had SO much I wanted to write about, so much inspiration... the biggest being a line from one song:

How do we get from saying I love you to I'll see you around someday?

I was really wondering that while in Oregon, because, well, I spent 5 years of my life there and while I know I could never ever permanently live in the States (ducks flying Texan tacos), a lot of memories surfaced again while I was there... and it's hard to leave that behind... this time knowing it'll probably be years and years before I go down there again. I was at my old high school, you see, and my youngest brother just graduated. I thought about making a trip down every few years with him to the alumni weekend they hold, but back when I was a student, alumni weekend was for graduates only, not drop outs. And that's what I am. So, I don't feel like an alumnus and I certainly don't feel I'd fit among all those graduates. Sigh.

But back to that line from the song... commencement was the final activity of the weekend, and during the graduates speeches, I was wondering precisely how do do that. I dated a guy for a year while I was at that school, and he's still there, a teacher... this December 8th will mark a decade since the day he dumped me. I don't know what he thinks of me anymore, we went from not speaking and me feeling like I'd never ever ever love again... to an amicable "friendship". I put that in quotes because I am not one of those people who can be genuine friends with my exes. Not a chance in hell. But this guy, we hug when we see each other, and smile a lot... and I don't know where I'm going with this. I DO know that I don't want to hurt my hubby by anything I might write... but it's so hard to be honest and write when I know that if I write totally honestly about all the shit I want to write about, I may very well end up hurting someone. My family, basically. I've already done that. It wasn't nice to hear what my dad had to say, to see the look on his face... to KNOW that I could have not shared that one piece of writing--the piece that I felt was one of the best I'd ever written.

Anyway, during commencement I knew I'd be saying a pretty much final good bye to that guy... and I was trying to figure out what to say so that I'd feel at peace about the last 11 years I've known him. So that he'd know how I'd felt, how I feel (which I'm still trying to figure out how to put into words) and... well, he passed me as he was leaving and said good-bye and I said I didn't know when and if I'd be around again so--- and I couldn't think of any way to say what I thought I'd be saying. So we smiled and he walked on. But our eyes DID meet before he left... and I felt like maybe I don't need to say anything. Maybe he understands. Maybe he knows that while I would not change how my life is now, I would never change who I'm with, I still think he is a really great guy. Special. Just...

Bugger.

Gone

I've been meaning to write about this for a couple of weeks, but I haven't been able to. Tom did on his blog... but every time I think about it my chest starts to hurt...

One of Tom's co-workers got shot in the head a couple of weeks ago. He died, needless to say. He was Tom's age. He had a wife my age. And a son LB's age. I'd seen the guy at the last company Christmas party, seen him, and his wife, and his son had come over to play with LB. Now his son doesn't have a Daddy anymore. He got shot outside of a strip club. What he was doing there, I don't know. The newspaper article refers to him as a "gang associate". I just remember him as a big burly Russian with lots of facial hair. He looked like a friendly bear to me, the way his grin flashed out every now and then. I didn't talk to him or his wife at the party, I don't think. I'm just shy like that I guess.

He was murdered, and the cops apparently have no leads, even though there were lots of witnesses. I think about it all sometimes, and imagine being in his wife's place, like I imagined being in Michelle William's place when Heath Ledger died. It's heartbreaking... to think of those little kids never getting to know their Daddy.

And it's frightening to me, to think that I was that close to him, hell, Tom worked with him... and someone killed him. Gang violence is on the rise here, and I've been clueless. It was only once I met Tom and he pointed it out to me that I started noticing drug deals going down. Now I see them in my neighbourhood all the time. I was walking through the park this weekend with Lily and there were 2 guys at a picnic table with mean looking dogs OFF their leashes. We're talking pit bull-bull dog mixes or something. To me, youngish guys acting shifty who have mean-looking dogs just scream "dealer". Or dealer-wannabe anyway.

And I could go right into how I had to confront another guy and his girlfriend who had a huge rottweiler off it's leash right by the playground where around 15 little kids were running around screaming and playing. She was sneering at all the older folks who were looking at them in disgust as they lounged on a picnic table and let the dog wander. So I called her on it and said that having such a large dog off it's leash so close to a playground makes us parents nervous for our kids. The dude just shrugged and said "people stereotype". Hello? Don't those dogs have a tendency towards vicious behaviour? And you never can tell what could set a dog off.. really, with all the demand for dogs and all the inbreeding... we never knew our dog had epilepsy till he bit me. Bah. Stupid people. I told him there was lots more space farther up the park where there weren't kids and he made a motion like he hadn't heard me so I repeated myself and he just shrugged and said we'll only be here for a few more minutes. I said again that it made us nervous for our kids (just to get some kind of lame last word in)... trying to sound mature when I really just wanted to tear the guy a new asshole. But I can never do that in the heat of the moment. It's always after I'm home that I start to shake and all these things I should have said come to me. But they did keep the dog closer to them, maybe by stepping on his leash, and they left about 10 minutes later.

I try to be peaceful and nice to others and just treat others the way I'd want to be treated and sometimes I wonder what's the point if so many others are just out to get what they can and don't care who they hurt in the process, don't care how they make others feel as long as they protect their image.

Just some thoughts as everyone is out, LB & LG are sleeping...

I found out who I got my round chin from, and my wavy hair... if both can be said to be "from" someone.

I really want to buy mindbomb.

I spend far too much time looking backwards. Back into the past, particularly back to people I used to know. Sometimes this includes ex-boyfriends. Not that I ever wish I was with any of them rather than who I'm with now. There are good reasons I'm not with them and even better reasons for why I am with Tomek. But as the end of the month looms, when I'll be heading back one final time to my old high school... I wonder about who I might see and who I know I'll see. I can't let myself have regrets for how I acted when I was 17. What's the point? But I can't help wonder if I'd acted differently would everything be different now? What changes would have changed everything? Maybe if I'd wanted to stay there, things would have been different. Maybe if I'd felt I could live in the states for the rest of my life, maybe if I liked football...

But none of that is true. None of that could have happened with me still being ME. I had to fuck up and around a lot to get to where I am now. And I'm still doing things that I'm sure would make my parents smack themselves in the forehead, but.... this is me.

It's me who last year wondered, when I caught my ex-bf from 10 years ago watching LB, Tomek and I play on the lawn at my old high school, does he wish he was in Tomek's place? Would it make me feel good to know on some level he did? Yes. I'm vain. Ok.

But all I have to do to quell these what-ifs is to look at LB and LG's gorgeous little faces and know that no other couple could have brought them into the world than Me and Tomek. Period.

So no, I wouldn't have things any other way. Because any other way would mean no them, and no Me and Tomek. And that just wouldn't do.

I was right. I hate being right.

Especially when it means my little boy DOES have an umbilical hernia. It might heal itself by the time he turns 2, however, and I hope it does. If not, there's a procedure that'll need to be done to fix it. And turns out the red splotch on his left eyelid is a stork bite (birthmark) which may or may not get bigger.

Sigh.

Today is the day I go to the cemetery and hunt down my grandparents' graves. Perfect activity for a sunny day, eh?

By the way, Robynn's second daughter is arriving on Monday via c-section. Best wishes for a speedy recovery!

Restless

Maybe it's spring fever. I don't feel lazy or listless really. I feel like a have a ton of pent up wanting-to-do-something-but-can't-figure-out-what. Blah.

I'm heading to my parents' place Saturday evening for a week. I was supposed to leave this morning but the weather turned bad so my dad is going to pick me and the little ones on his way back from California tomorrow evening. Tom is snowboarding tomorrow so I get yet another day of this. This. Same thing every day. More on the weekends. So maybe it'll somehow be relaxing tomorrow. And then maybe I'll meet up with some old high school friends on Sunday sans kids.

**edit: he switched his snowboarding day to sunday so he wouldn't be leaving me alone with the kids... **

I feel burnt out. I'm constantly pissed off and angry, not towards my kids... just... bubbling inside.

The high school friends I mentioned just bought a house in the Interior. They aren't even married yet. Engaged. She's moving there from Toronto... I wonder if she's found a job yet. I wonder how they managed to afford a house when we can barely afford our 746 square foot apartment.

I need a job. For myself and for us. It'll make things financially easier. Maybe it'll take the edge off my mental anxiety.

Don't I sound like a head case.

I'm just so tired of being spit up on and peed on and having poop smeared on me and constantly washing bottles and doing laundry and being spit up upon and feeling like I don't get LB out enough, don't get her around other kids enough.

It would be nice to go snowboarding. Easy for him. But apparently an impossibility for me.

Maybe a week away from here will do me good. I can make plans in a different environment.

I'd like to move to the Interior someday I think. I know Tom doesn't. But you can buy a house there for 1/3 the price it now costs in Vancouver.

Maybe I'm just sick of living in such a metropolitan area. I want to go somewhere where it's slower paced but not narrow-minded hicksville. Is that even possible?

When the white knight’s talking backwards…

(I started writing this a few days ago. Stalled out. Or got distracted by the kiddies. But it was a start at finally writing down all the stuff stirring around in my head.)

I know I’m continually changing. People who already have a steady feeling of who they are at the core of them probably feel less tugged around when the little life changes happen to them. I am not sure who I really am. Or maybe I do and I’ve blocked it out. I think because I have no sure sense of who I am at the heart of myself, the little changes that happen hit me harder and I feel like my whole self might be changing.

Lately I’ve been thinking about the term hippie.

If only people believed more in peace, in letting others believe what they will believe—as long as those beliefs are not hurting or suppressing others. That’s how I try to live. But to try to show someone what is right… if you tell them this is right, they might not believe you, or they might go along with it because its what has been ingrained in them since birth. But if they are given a choice, and let to make their own decisions they might not make the decsion you wanted them to make, but more importantly they may get so bogged down by having a choice, (looking at what choice others made, listening to others saying that they should or shouldn’t believe this or that) that they never actually make a decision at all.

Too much stuff.
Materialism—it’s all just a distraction. Hide away with your big-screen plasma LCD flat screen tv and your computer and your games and your techno-gadgets and go to church 2x a year and feel fulfilled.

And there’s nothing like too much stuff to make one feel cluttered inside as well.

boo f'n' hoo

I need cheese. And gingerale. The ultimate comfort combination when I'm feeling sorry for myself. And I am. Do I have any good reason to? Probably not. I don't work. I get to stay with my kids all day every day. This was no big deal when there was only LB. But combine LB and LG and... bam. Pity post.

Lately LG has been spitting up a lot of his feeds. And the boy's got range. in one hurl he can hit me or Tomek and the floor and rebound some of it back all over himself. This happened repeatedly last night. We need to get our carpets cleaned. I don't even know if we own carpet cleaner. So I end up just scrubbing at it with a warm wet cloth and spritzing some windex on it.

I dread the moments when they both need me, no, demand me at the same time. Like yesterday evening. Tomek was working late, LB was having a nap on the couch (she fell asleep on my lap which never happens), and then LG woke up screaming to be fed. I was changing his diaper fast as he screamed, which woke LB up and I don't know if she had a bad dream or was just disoriented or what, but she came in demanding that I pick her up. I listened to both of them scream while I finished his diaper, then picked her up because, frankly, she's louder.

I soothed her with some juice, and then plunked her on the couch with some fishie crackers and turned Madeline on. Then I handled screaming baby #2... who ate and then spat most of it up all over me and himself. Of course this time he didn't hit the floor because we were standing on linolium which is easy to clean.

Today is Saturday... on top of Tomek working till 9:30 last night, he's working all day today. I shouldn't complain. After all, he's working, not me. I should be working, too, I suppose, but we want to avoid paying childcare for as long as possible and quite frankly I'm not comfortable with the idea of my mil taking care of LB and LG each day as I work. She took care of LB for 6 days while I was in the hospital and... I just didn't want to ask. I know she's raised 2 kids, but I also know that a lot of her ideas about how to do things are very different from mine. Some I'm ambivalent about and others I just flat out disagree with. Like eating cake every day. Back to the subject of Tomek's work... I don't blame him for it, I'm not annoyed or angry with him about it. It just really builds up and then I find myself almost becoming the mom I swore I'd never be: the one who hands the kids off and runs out the door the moment her husband comes home.

UGH.

And, next weekend is Easter. Normally I'd just say yay, 4 days with Tomek home. But we won't be home... well actually we probably will be for most of it, but that will all be prepping for going to his parents house for Easter. My bil and sil are coming into town for it. This is the only long weekend for a while, and I'm bummed that I didn't see it coming quickly enough to see about visiting my family. Long weekends are the only time we can drive out there, especially with--my mac and cheese just boiled over. FUCK--winter driving conditions. Last year we spent Easter weekend with his family, so I should have thought ahead about the whole alternating thing. So I guess NEXT year maybe we'll be able to go to my parents for Easter. But even that feels kind of weird because my parents don't celebrate the religious Easter and my in-laws do. Why do I feel guilty for the idea of taking Tomek away from one of his family celebrations. We could still do the egg colouring and scratching and all that at my parents. But I know it wouldn't be the same. It will never be the same. My family isn't the sit around a table, eat drink and talk for hours kind of family.

And since I'm not nursing LG, the baby weight isn't coming off as easily as it did with LB. On the plus side, I didn't put on nearly as much weight with him as I did with her. But there's still 5-10 lbs hanging around my middle. And that's making it difficult to find a nice outfit for Easter in my closet.

Wah.

I'm already feeling tense about Easter. The time before the actual get-together with his family is always worse than the event itself. I hope that trend continues this time. Probably will still have to listen to everyone asking the bil and sil when they are going to have kids. Pushing, nagging, teasing. It's f'n' annoying.

Now I'm going to gorge myself on 3 cheese mac and cheese.

Reflecting

Here's another view of LG's first minutes, from the point of view of a very tired and worried papa.

I've been thinking back about what I wrote earlier on not getting my tubes tied just yet. Viewpoints can change a lot with a little bit of experience. When the doctor told me that I had a vertical and horizontal incision in my uterus (an upside-down T) and that if I had more children I'd have to have a scheduled c-section because of it... well, it got me thinking. And with all the talk and fear of bleeding heavily prior to LG's arrival fresh in my mind and heart, I know that I don't feel safe having any more children. My fear is that my uterus would tear apart before the baby arrived. And frankly, I don't want to go through another c-section and recovery. But the primary reason is my fear that my uterus wouldn't hold up.

I told Tomek all of this, and that I didn't want to be cut open again to have my tubes tied, he started thinking about a vasectomy. They are free, apparently. I think his reasons for considering one are slightly different than my reasons. To him, two kids is plenty. And I guess it is... I've always thought my body is strong and resilient. But two children later, lots of stitches, pain meds, bleeding, and time spent lying on my back, and I'm not so sure. I feel weakened, and I don't like that. I feel guilty not taking LB to the park to play like I used to. But if she sees the swings and wants "up", well, I can't do it. I did take her for a walk today, the first one on my own since I've been home, and it went well. And she went down for a nap very peacefully. She's been so ornery and grumpy since I've been home, I'm worried the terrible 2s have come early.

I hope that we can maintain the schedule that the hospital has put LG on, and that it will help create order in our lives.

and for a little extra flavour...

Is there anything better than SmartFood popcorn and gingerale at this time of night? I don't think so. The crunchy, cheesy goodness interspersed with cool, fizzy sips of gingery heaven.

So good... so good that when a plump, cheesy morsel had the nerve to drop from my fingers to the floor between my legs (where I OBVIOUSLY cannot reach it, thanks to the little melon in my belly), I used my foot to skootch the piece of popcorn sideways till I could lean over sideways and retrieve it.

Yum.

And in a vain attempt to deter any comments about cheese and feet, I will say that my foot had a slipper on it at the time. I swear.

No more Christmas spirit

I just can't do it. The more I tidy and clean and try to put things away the more the mess just explodes out of every corner. I don't know where all this paper comes from, all the random shit that is just strewn everywhere.

We don't have a Christmas tree yet, we don't have decorations up. I made plans for us to go to a Santa Claus parade and it was lame. I set things up for us to make and colour paper snowflakes and it just put us to sleep.

I just now got back from Michaels (art store). I went with a mission to pick up some extra supplies to make another mosaic garden tile (just some more powdered cement and glass bits), leather strips, some beads and some rings to make bookmarks, and some red, white and green Hama beads. Couldn't find the right rings or leather strips for the bookmarks, got completely overwhelmed by all the beads, couldn't find the Hama beads and got pissed off because the mosaic set we bought for $30 a week ago is now $20. The extra powdered cement is $10 and teeny single-coloured bags of stained glass are around $7. I would have spent WAY more than $20 to pick up what I wanted to, so I just bought a different shaped mosaic set. Then I wanted to buy some glass pebbles because this set I was buying didn't have them and the other one did. $5 for a bag of 25 little rocks. Luckily I went down a different aisle closer to the front of the store where they had LARGE bags of these SAME stones for $3. What. The. Hell.

I hate being a consumer. I hate having to buy stuff. I hate how I know I'm getting ripped off everytime I go into a store, and if it seems like it's a good deal, then it's probably because what I'm buying was made in a 3rd-world sweat shop.

So I'll be going back to Michaels at some point and I didn't go to another 2 stores I wanted to go to because it was just me and LB and frankly it's getting exhausting heaving her in and out of the car, and I know I'm not supposed to do it. But today is Tomek's morning to sleep in (yes, he's still sleeping... but since he averages 4-5 hours of sleep per night during the week, I think he's got every right to sleep till 1 p.m. if he wants).

I want to buy a Christmas tree today. Me and my fixation with having a real tree. It means we have to empty all of Tomek's work stuff out of my full trunk and back into his car before we go. Total hassle.

I just feel like taking every bit of clutter within eyesight and throwing it all in a big garbage bag and heaving it off the balcony.

Oh and a c-section is imminent I found out on Thursday. So that's freaking the hell out of me. But I don't have a chance to actually let my feelings out because I'm supposed to be filled with Christmas CHEER.

Bah humbug.

shards

It's been a hard day, but no one asks.
I understand.
We went to the park twice today, this is important.
She hasn't cried all day, and our home is tidier.
I haven't cried either.
I vacuumed.

Some days I cry. Like now.
Some days I'm just so alone.
Even friends visiting can't fill that certain void.
The one that fills when you unlock the door.
No matter the precious, countless moments I share with our daughter,
Nothing compares to you walking through the door.

And I know, I know it doesn't mean that much to you
Tired, dirty, hungry, stressed
I'm just a constant.
I try to listen, to care, to take the little one away so you can
accomplish things.
Things that would, we always hope, take a bit of that stress
away.

Motherhood is a very, very lonely place sometimes.

trying to be busy today

I gotta print photos to send to my Oma who's been waiting to see pictures of our trip since I promised I'd send some. LONG overdue hence feeling of guilt. :(

Gotta start a blog of our trip... my godmother has been checking LB's blog to see if any pics go up there about our trip. Soon soon...

Gotta find, write and send a thank you note to S&S, who sent us all those clothes earlier this week.

Gotta shower, vacuum, do the dishes and give the kitchen a good scrub.

My mom is coming to visit tonight!! Hooray!! (hence the frantic kitchen cleaning)

It won't stop raining today but it's NOT getting me down. Double hooray!!!

LB popped out another molar, on the top, right above the lower one that came in. Yesterday was a much better day for her, and today is looking pretty good too.

I took this photo over the weekend and I'm very proud of it: I have a video to show you too. It's not very flattering, but if you read the description, you'll see what you should.

Back now to what I should be doing...

But first, it's crayon and sticker time with LB.

boo fucking hoo

I wish someone--anyone--would look at my face, see how shitty I'm feeling, and hug me till I smile, or cry, if I need to.

One after another

That's the way things have gone for us. No breathing room, no time to be bored. But I guess that is the best way. If only I could find a way to not be affected by others' emotions and reactions to our life. I haven't told my mom yet. When I do, this time it'll be over the phone. I don't feel ready to tell anyone but my closest friends; those who won't be horrified if I start crying from the total OH MY GODness of it all.

Work shouldn't really be on my mind, but how can it not be. Ghost was right, babies are cheap. But I have a feeling that after the first 2-3 years they just get more and more expensive. Daycare, swimming lessons, school, etc. I feel like I've kind of done things backwards. I tutored, which I thought was totally what I wanted to do, and I just had loss after loss because I couldn't get the product I felt I should be getting with each child. I had an ok office job but it wasn't what I really liked. I didn't return to it after LB was born because we didn't want anyone else to take care of her and I was fortunate enough to have a year of paid maternity leave. Then we went on the trip to Poland and I knew that when I came back I'd have to seriously figure something out for work. And I knew something else was happening too, most likely.

Now, it's definite. All during the time I was home with LB I knew I should have been putting together a plan of action for work--it was my opportunity to start something for myself, my own business, something I could do that would enable me to be at home most of the time. I could still do that if I tutored. I know a fellow who's run a successful tutoring centre for years now. I worked for him for a while and we parted on good terms--he wanted me to come and work for him as his assistant. I can't remember why I didn't. Maybe because the commute was so long. But it would be shorter now; I heard he down-sized, no longer has his own rented space, he tutors at people's homes. Maybe I could just be upfront with him that I had losses with tutoring and he could help me become a better tutor. But then I think that tutoring kids is just so much more of a challenge (in my experience) than tutoring adults (which I did in college). I have a contact at the tutoring centre of the college I went to as well. I wonder if I should contact her as well. They only hire current students though, and it's minimum wage pay. When I was freelance tutoring the one student I had, I was making $35/hr. But it was a long commute in rush hour and I didn't charge them extra for the commute time and gas.

My schooling is in writing and editing. But I learned very early on that I can't write well when I'm writing someone else's message. It's their message, they know what they want to say, I could never seem to strongly interpret the message and then write it effectively. Or with much interest. I enjoy editing though. There you are more removed from the work. My friend from school and I tried starting our own business of being editors and basically acting as a go-between for writers and publishers that might be interested in their work. I thought it was kind of cocky of us, being fresh out of a two-year program, but we never carried it far enough to see if it would have been viable.

Editing for another company doesn't seem to be an option from what I've seen. In-house editors seem to have a ton of experience. Then I think about technical writing. Writing instructions basically. It sounds boring, and probably would be, but I've written a bit of stuff like this; an office procedures manual and instructions for doing different things on this new computer program my old work had. I have experience in that... so maybe if I could find somewhere that needed tech. writers... but I worry that it would be totally boring. But then again, I remember enjoying writing things out clearly, fiddling with screen shots, etc. If I was just writing instructions maybe it would be possible to do some work from home... contract work even.

I figured out after college that I'm not a person who can make a living doing what i really enjoy doing. The stress that inevitably pops up just ruins the enjoyment for me. So maybe tech writing would be the way to go. There would be testing and tech editing to do, too, I imagine.

Time to start searching. Somehow I just can't focus on what I should be focusing on. Maybe after the ultrasound on Oct. 1st.

Where to start. Not that I ever write much anyway, but lately I've hit the hugest writers' block. It might be because there is so much going on right now. I started my new job, have a birthday party for Tom this weekend and one for LB in a month, and the weekend after that we leave on vacation. That doesn't sound like very much. But then add on a typical day of being with a very active, very adventurous (I'd go so far as to say fearless) little girl, and there just isn't a lot of time for me. I have so many photos I want to upload and share, videos, too. But I either spend her nap times napping (in preparation for my night shift) or cleaning. And then we go to the park and to the pool and to any air conditioned store that will provide some relief from the heat... and I feed her and we play. I'm trying to figure out her new eating schedule because about a week ago she stopped eating. She still has her formula 3x a day, and in the evening she'd eat some banana and that was it. Her appetite has picked up a little bit now, but she still shakes her head no no NO when I offer a spoonful of food. So then I have to pretend I'm eating it and loving it and then maybe she'll give it a try. I don't want to ever force her to eat, but I can't help wanting her to eat even a little bit. But all she seems to want is formula and water.

The job is ok. One manager seems to be a bit of a dink, said he'd schedule me for Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday but next week I'm scheduled Tues, Wed, Thurs. Three days in a row of only getting 4 maybe 5 hours of sleep at night. Brilliant. Plus, it's probably going to mess Tom up because he works late the evenings I'm home.

So now LB is sleeping and I'm looking around at the cleaning I should start doing in preparation for the party on Saturday and I just feel so tired.