parental observation

2 year olds are just short teenagers with speech impediments.

Pits

LB is one month away from being 2, but I'd still remove the cherry pits before feeding her a cherry. My MIL feels differently, as I found out yesterday. Apparently, last week when LB spent the afternoon with my in-laws, she was being fed whole cherries. She didn't swallow any pits that they saw. But I remember when she spent a few days with them while I was in the hospital with LG, after I got home she had a HUGE upchuck in the middle of the night, covering herself. Within that mess were a bunch of cherry pits.

I think I'm really just never going to change my feelings on leaving my kids with them for longer than a few hours. They raised 2 children, but my MIL does things so differently, and there seems to always be something that I'm appalled at when I find out.

I guess there's only so much common ground to be reached.

simmering on low

I'm debating whether or not to tear one of my bros a new somethin' or other.

It's been a long time coming. A combo of both brothers acting selfishly over and over again, not seeing how they could make things easier for or show their thanks to people around them.

But then I wonder if it's just ME being selfish and wanting to feel appreciated and like something I did for them meant something to them. But maybe I did it for me, because by doing something for someone else I feel good. So is it all selfishness in the end?

I don't know.

I've been searching and researching to find a good and relatively inexpensive digital camera to get my bro S for his birthday. Lots and lots of research and searching... and some frustration. Then, today, I posted on LB&LG's blog (let me know if you want the addy... I don't link to it directly from here because it's more of a family blog) photos from S's grad festivities, including ONE photo that I took of him and his Prom date, and told him the photos were up. He emailed me and said, "Aw F*CK NO".... followed by links to DIFFERENT shots of him and his date, shots that were professionally taken... by my other brother. Haha.

I feel MORE than miffed that he's so offended by the photo I took of him and her. That he thinks its SO bad that he wants me to take it off the blog. As of yet, I haven't replied to the email OR taken the photo down.

I was very close to emailing him back my own version of an email filled with all caps swear words... and I still might.

I don't know.

What I do know is that tzatziki and tea do NOT go well together in my tummy. Urgh.

blog by hand

I was reading Ophelia and there was a mention of handwriting, and that got me thinking about your handwriting, and mine. I have a few books by a poet by the name of Tim Lander, and I intend to copy his layout style for my own little poetry book. In the intro, he writes "For me handwriting is like live reading - see the hand of the poet, hear the voice of the poet". All I'll say is that his books are handwritten (photocopied), and bound by hand as well. I love it. I love his poetry, and how he presented it.

Then I got to thinking about this blog, and decided to write an entry by hand, and then upload the photo. I'll admit I wanted to restart once I started writing... I felt the words weren't coming out well, and my hand wasn't writing well. But I didn't.

And here it is (click to enlarge):
Play along if you'd like.

I'm back

It's Mothers' Day. I'm just back from changing a mondo peanut butter poopie my son gave me. I even stuck my thumb in it.

I told my hubby not to get me flowers because they are so over-priced and die far too quickly anyway. We arrived home from my week at my parents' place at 1:30 this morning. I drove the entire 4 hour drive home because Tom had driven the 4 hour drive there only hours before. Plus I had a coffee. And I get car sick if I'm in a car but not driving. We hit a snowstorm about an hour into the drive. INSANE. The snow was coming so thick and fast it was hypnotic and I could barely see the road. I was crawling from white post to white post on the side of the road that didn't drop off the side of the mountain. But we made it home in one piece. And both kids woke up of course. LG just wanted to eat and then he went back to sleep, sweet boy that he is. But LB was wide awake and excited to be back home... and didn't fall asleep till nearly 4 a.m. in our bed... then LG woke up again to be fed around 5 a.m. and they both woke up again at 8 a.m.

Fortunately I'm a morning person for the first few hours of the day. I brought up a load of our stuff from the car, and when Tomek asked me what I wanted for breakfast, I realized I was jonesing for an omelette. We didn't have all the ingredients, so we popped the kids into their strollers and walked to the store for some ham and a green pepper. I enjoy making omelettes, even though they usually end up totally scrambled. Egg, with diced green pepper and onion (soaked in boiling water for 15 minutes to soften and sweeten), diced ham and shredded cheese. A good tip is to add 1 tbsp of water for every 2 eggs. That, with butter coating the bottom of the pan, guarantees a nearly no-stick omelette!

Then it was time for LB to nap, so I put her down, and as I was walking back down the hall, LG woke up. Of course. I'd hoped to nap when they both napped to catch up on sleep, but that isn't going to happen since LG is on my lap right now trying unsuccessfully to burp. Then he was crying and had the big dump I mentioned above, and LB started crying... so Tomek went back to bed with LB because I think she's having trouble sleeping on her own after sleeping with me for over a week.

What I'd really like to do today is clean out and organize the junk drawer in my dresser. If LB sleeps and LG calms down maybe I will.

Just some thoughts as everyone is out, LB & LG are sleeping...

I found out who I got my round chin from, and my wavy hair... if both can be said to be "from" someone.

I really want to buy mindbomb.

I spend far too much time looking backwards. Back into the past, particularly back to people I used to know. Sometimes this includes ex-boyfriends. Not that I ever wish I was with any of them rather than who I'm with now. There are good reasons I'm not with them and even better reasons for why I am with Tomek. But as the end of the month looms, when I'll be heading back one final time to my old high school... I wonder about who I might see and who I know I'll see. I can't let myself have regrets for how I acted when I was 17. What's the point? But I can't help wonder if I'd acted differently would everything be different now? What changes would have changed everything? Maybe if I'd wanted to stay there, things would have been different. Maybe if I'd felt I could live in the states for the rest of my life, maybe if I liked football...

But none of that is true. None of that could have happened with me still being ME. I had to fuck up and around a lot to get to where I am now. And I'm still doing things that I'm sure would make my parents smack themselves in the forehead, but.... this is me.

It's me who last year wondered, when I caught my ex-bf from 10 years ago watching LB, Tomek and I play on the lawn at my old high school, does he wish he was in Tomek's place? Would it make me feel good to know on some level he did? Yes. I'm vain. Ok.

But all I have to do to quell these what-ifs is to look at LB and LG's gorgeous little faces and know that no other couple could have brought them into the world than Me and Tomek. Period.

So no, I wouldn't have things any other way. Because any other way would mean no them, and no Me and Tomek. And that just wouldn't do.

oy vey

I went to the cemetery where my grandparents are buried last weekend. My grandfather's last name is fairly common, and I wasn't sure of the spelling of the last name... Mc or Mac... so the woman helping me had no luck in searching through the records of their 100 acres. If I knew my grandfather's middle name, and the sure spelling of their last name that would have helped. I then remembered that my grandmother had remarried after my grandfather's death... and I had no idea what her new last name had been.

On the way home, it came to me, although not with any certainty. A name just popped into my head and when I talked to my mom later that night, it turned out I was right.

I felt like I shocked and upset my mom by going to the cemetery. I could have lied and said I was putting together a family tree... but I told the flat-out truth. That I went to the cemetery because I wanted to see where they were buried. And her reaction was "Jesus Christ ... !" So then I ploughed ahead trying to explain why I wanted to see, and I think maybe she understood at the end.

But I think it still hurts her to bring this stuff up because there was a feud and then a rift and basically it was my mom and her mom vs. my grandfather's side of the family AND my grandmother's side of the family. I would have done the same had I been in my mom's position, but I can only imagine how painful it must have been. The same attitude has filtered down through the generations, I found when I went to college and was in the same program as my mom's cousin's daughter. She had some unflattering things to say about my grandmother when I asked her about Uncle H a number of years ago.

* * *

Back to my conversation with my mom, she also said, "While I'm alive, it would really offend me if you tried to contact Uncle H".

So I said, "I wouldn't."

Sigh.

I did get the proper spelling of my grandfather's last name and his middle name. And I found out that my grandfather's parents are also buried in that cemetery and they used to live HERE!

I really need to get the story straight of how my grandmother and my grandfather met.

And I don't think I'll go back to the cemetery until after I'm back from next week's visit. I think that'd make things out there simpler all around.

One of those nights

11 p.m.: LB is in her bed in her room, Tomek and I are in our bed, LG is in his crib. All are sleeping.

6:00 a.m.: I am in LB's bed, LB is in our bed, Tomek is on the couch in the living room, and LG is in his little blue chair, also in the living room. Only 2 are sleeping.

memories left buried

I'd written earlier about my curiosity about my mom's family, and my interest in gathering what few family memories are left before the remainder of her family passes away. In particular, I was going to contact my Great Uncle H and ask him about my grandfather and grandmother (his sister).

I spoke with my dad about finding out more about her family, and he said straight out that he wouldn't recommend contacting Uncle H because he's a troublemaker.

But me being me, I couldn't just let things lie. Couldn't just do what I knew my parents would advise.

I just called him. BIG mistake.

He's still alive. And he answered the phone. It took him a moment to connect what I said when I introduced myself as his sister's granddaughter, rather than my mom's daughter. I didn't want to dig up old dirt, I wanted to skirt it, let it lie, and find out about my mom's parents. But no, asked a few questions about myself, including what my last name was now, and where I and my parents were living now and then right into shit about my mom. He said he was mad at her, not me, then he said he wasn't mad at her he'd just washed her hands of her because of this time we'd been back east and were supposed to visit them but then they had doctor appointments so we waited till they were home but then we didn't have much time, so we had less than an hour to visit and he is still blaming her for it.

And then he said... and I can't believe I hung up without telling him off for this. But I hadn't wanted to get into it with him. I really hope he doesn't try to seek her out now that he knows what city she's in. But if he's washed his hands of it all then that should continue.

He said, to hell with her.

What kind of person would say that about a person to that person's daughter?

I hung up after that and now I'm sitting here sweating, shaking... regretting YET AGAIN that I didn't just follow my parents' advice.

I don't think I'll ever learn.

a little passion

In which my brother and I discuss family history & religion and I dodge the million dollar question.

Source

S:I wouldn't mind tracing our geneology and heritage

me: me either.
gotta move fast though. oma could probably tell you a bunch of stuff about that side, but on mom's side... it's hard to go back. all of mom's dad's brothers passed away now i think.

S: Yeah
There are sites to figure that all out right?

me: probably but we don't have much to go on.

S: I think Oma has a bladder infection so she might not be around much longer

me: mom has photocopies from her dad's college yearbook--i called brandon college in manitoba and asked if they had the 1936-37 yearbook and the guy was really nice about it.
WHAT
she didn't tell me that.

S: I think.
Is this like a secret project or can I talk to mom about it?

me: well the yearbook stuff i got for mom when we still lived in oregon. she has it.
but honestly i'm going to write to uncle h. i don't know if he's even still alive. i'm not going to try to mend any fences or anything because i dont know wtf all the feuding was about. but he'd remember grampa ... and he and his ex-wife are the last people we know who would remember him well.
don't tell her i'm going to write to him. ok?
i might chicken out, but it's just a thought i had today

S: aight
Just don't take any shit from him.
Or I'll kick your ass.
:)

me: :P i know. he's written to me and made digs at mom which was why i stopped communicating with him 6 years ago he weas really in support of my writing. i used to send it to him and he'd send me feed back and send me books and stuff.
i'm going to tell him i'm married and tell him how fortunate i am to have in-laws who have never shown me anything but love and kindness even though they are roman catholic and know i was raised in sc!entology. and i'm going to tell him i dont know what all the feuding was about... and something about the importance of family. a lecture, basically. and if he wants to be a crochety old bugger then fine. but i'd like to know more about that side and grampa's side of the family.
mom's parents are buried here ya know. i've never even gone there. never knew till this past summer they were there.

S: I wouldn't recommend going into religion. That's a touchy subject with almost everyone.
Maybe just keep to the basics and ask him about the side of the family

me: well it pisses me off that people tread so lightly around it. this is who we are & we are good people. we never hurt anyone so fuck you.
gah

S: Yeah
I try to ignore all the bullshit on the internet
I'm pretty raw on the subject and all the messages I get on f@cebook and mysp@ce to free myself from the Church's evil clutches etc.
in other words: why all the hate?

me: on f@cebook? jeez

S: People get wrong ideas and don't fucking understand shit
and then they hate it because of it
and then Chr!stians get all pissy when Sc!entologists stand up for themselves saying look at all the persectution we went through blah blah blah
times change

me: basically until youve tried it for yourself, shut the fuck up

S: yeah
Are you still a sc!entologist?

me: not currently practicing, no. but i've taken things from it that are part of who i am, and that will never change.

S: But you're going to practice later once you get your life sorted out right?

me: my life sorted out? ha. you make me sound like a wreck. when i feel the need and desire to, then ya for sure.but right now i'm happy where i am with regards to all that.

S: I didn't mean your life is a wreck I just meant that you have two kids so things are kinda hectic

me: yeah things are. look don't talk to mom and dad about this ok? i already feel like a bit of a black sheep because i didn't graduate from high school.

S: pshaw
Yeah I got it

Reconnect

I know very little about my mom's side of the family, and those who are left to tell any stories are passing on. When I first moved back to Canada I meant to interview my mom's cousin because she apparently had known my grandfather (her mom's sister's husband) very well. But she passed away unexpectedly before I could do so.

My grandfather died when my mom was 6... and I've only seen a few pictures of him, but have always felt a connection. Maybe because he played basketball. But I've always believed that he and I would have been great friends if he'd survived or not been in that plane at all.

My grandmother passed away when I was 3. Her brother (my great uncle H) is still alive, as far as I know. I haven't spoken to him in 6 years because he decided he didn't like my mom anymore. Neither of them would get into details, but I think it all stems from the cause of my grandmother's death. It could have been avoided with help from family, or perhaps it couldn't have been. I think that is the crux of the family rift.

I found out recently that my grandparents are actually BOTH buried 20 minutes (driving) from where I live. And about 45 minutes away is a tree planted in my grandmother's memory. I have a map of where it is located. I keep meaning to go to both of those places, but haven't yet. I can't believe I have lived here for 6 1/2 years and only in the past year did I learn both of those facts. Things about my mom's family trickle down slowly, and I don't think I'll ever know the real reasons why.

So I've been thinking a lot about family lately, especially after meeting my Oma's (my dad's mom) brother in Germany this past summer. It was a last-minute, completely unexpected turn of events that I will treasure for the rest of my life. He only spoke German and Polish... so Tom and him did all the talking. I met his granddaughter as well--I can't think of the family connection to me at the moment... 3rd or 4th cousin or something like that. But family nonetheless.

Today I called my Oma to see how she is doing. She has a debilitating disease, her bones are very brittle, and there is nothing the doctors can do for her. My Opa has alzheimers and he's slowly debilitating mentally while my Oma is struggling physically.

She told me that he doesn't remember me anymore. She has a picture of me on their mantel, and he asked her "Who is this lady?" She told him that it's me, his granddaughter. His reply was "That's not her. * is a little girl!!"

:(

It may be too litttle, too late, but I'm going to keep in better touch with my family now. I'm going to write to my great uncle H and see what comes of it. Mostly, I'm hoping he'll tell me what my Grandpa was like. I found a letter from him from 2002 and he said he "was a real prince and very handsome. He was also a very good basketball player and just a man's man". Can you miss someone you've never met? And if my Uncle H is still in a snit towards my mom, then that's that. I might try to contact his ex-wife... but I feel like my mom might feel... I don't know. Weird that I'm getting in touch with family that she hasn't really kept in touch with.

So my goal for this week WAS going to be to write to my Oma & her brother (my great uncle A) in Germany AND my great uncle H, but I'm off to my parents' place for 5 days tomorrow morning and I haven't gotten the photos printed that I want to send yet. So it'll be my goal for next week. Plus Tom will have to translate my letter to great uncle A into Polish.

I feel like I need to grab what memories I can before they slip through my fingers, forever.

omg

My little brother just called me from Monrovia, Liberia.

Skype rocks.

boo f'n' hoo

I need cheese. And gingerale. The ultimate comfort combination when I'm feeling sorry for myself. And I am. Do I have any good reason to? Probably not. I don't work. I get to stay with my kids all day every day. This was no big deal when there was only LB. But combine LB and LG and... bam. Pity post.

Lately LG has been spitting up a lot of his feeds. And the boy's got range. in one hurl he can hit me or Tomek and the floor and rebound some of it back all over himself. This happened repeatedly last night. We need to get our carpets cleaned. I don't even know if we own carpet cleaner. So I end up just scrubbing at it with a warm wet cloth and spritzing some windex on it.

I dread the moments when they both need me, no, demand me at the same time. Like yesterday evening. Tomek was working late, LB was having a nap on the couch (she fell asleep on my lap which never happens), and then LG woke up screaming to be fed. I was changing his diaper fast as he screamed, which woke LB up and I don't know if she had a bad dream or was just disoriented or what, but she came in demanding that I pick her up. I listened to both of them scream while I finished his diaper, then picked her up because, frankly, she's louder.

I soothed her with some juice, and then plunked her on the couch with some fishie crackers and turned Madeline on. Then I handled screaming baby #2... who ate and then spat most of it up all over me and himself. Of course this time he didn't hit the floor because we were standing on linolium which is easy to clean.

Today is Saturday... on top of Tomek working till 9:30 last night, he's working all day today. I shouldn't complain. After all, he's working, not me. I should be working, too, I suppose, but we want to avoid paying childcare for as long as possible and quite frankly I'm not comfortable with the idea of my mil taking care of LB and LG each day as I work. She took care of LB for 6 days while I was in the hospital and... I just didn't want to ask. I know she's raised 2 kids, but I also know that a lot of her ideas about how to do things are very different from mine. Some I'm ambivalent about and others I just flat out disagree with. Like eating cake every day. Back to the subject of Tomek's work... I don't blame him for it, I'm not annoyed or angry with him about it. It just really builds up and then I find myself almost becoming the mom I swore I'd never be: the one who hands the kids off and runs out the door the moment her husband comes home.

UGH.

And, next weekend is Easter. Normally I'd just say yay, 4 days with Tomek home. But we won't be home... well actually we probably will be for most of it, but that will all be prepping for going to his parents house for Easter. My bil and sil are coming into town for it. This is the only long weekend for a while, and I'm bummed that I didn't see it coming quickly enough to see about visiting my family. Long weekends are the only time we can drive out there, especially with--my mac and cheese just boiled over. FUCK--winter driving conditions. Last year we spent Easter weekend with his family, so I should have thought ahead about the whole alternating thing. So I guess NEXT year maybe we'll be able to go to my parents for Easter. But even that feels kind of weird because my parents don't celebrate the religious Easter and my in-laws do. Why do I feel guilty for the idea of taking Tomek away from one of his family celebrations. We could still do the egg colouring and scratching and all that at my parents. But I know it wouldn't be the same. It will never be the same. My family isn't the sit around a table, eat drink and talk for hours kind of family.

And since I'm not nursing LG, the baby weight isn't coming off as easily as it did with LB. On the plus side, I didn't put on nearly as much weight with him as I did with her. But there's still 5-10 lbs hanging around my middle. And that's making it difficult to find a nice outfit for Easter in my closet.

Wah.

I'm already feeling tense about Easter. The time before the actual get-together with his family is always worse than the event itself. I hope that trend continues this time. Probably will still have to listen to everyone asking the bil and sil when they are going to have kids. Pushing, nagging, teasing. It's f'n' annoying.

Now I'm going to gorge myself on 3 cheese mac and cheese.

22 days

My youngest brother, S, finished high school in Oregon on February 4th and moved "home" with my parents in the interior of BC. That day marked the first day in almost 12 years that my entire family finally all lived back in Canada. 22 days went by and my middle brother, D, left for some photo/videography training in L.A. This Sunday, he'll be flying to Africa where he'll spend 5 weeks documenting youth human rights seminars in four countries. Then we thought he'd be coming back to Canada, and he will be, but only to tie up loose ends. Then he's moving to L.A. to continue working for the production company where he received the videography training.

I always knew D was the kind of person who didn't care where he lived as long as he was pursuing what he wanted to do. S and I are different--we are more attached to home, to being close to our parents.

I'm happy for D, that he's found somewhere where he can pursue and be successful in what he does, but I can't pretend that I'm not disappointed and sad that he (seemingly so quickly) decided to move so far from us. We'll see him maybe once or twice a year now. And I guess part of what really bums me out is that LB and LG will never get a chance to really know him now. LB really likes him, because he tosses her in the air whenever he sees her. Over Christmas he would chase her around a lot and instead of saying "boo!" when he snuck up on her, he'd say "ba!". So now to her, he's Uncle Ba!. Whenever she sees a photo of him, she points and says "Ba!"

I'd always hoped that my brothers would have a really good relationship with my kids. They are 8 & 9 years younger than me and... I don't know. They've always played really well with LB and I wanted my kids to be close to their uncles I guess.

And I guess what really hurts is how easy it seems it was for D to make the decision to move to L.A. I've tried to stay in touch with my brothers, keep tabs on what's going on in their lives... and I guess I feel like D doesn't have much interest in my life. I feel like I've tried to stay close, and he isn't interested. But maybe he's just not good at expressing himself. Who knows.

Sigh.

Reflecting

Here's another view of LG's first minutes, from the point of view of a very tired and worried papa.

I've been thinking back about what I wrote earlier on not getting my tubes tied just yet. Viewpoints can change a lot with a little bit of experience. When the doctor told me that I had a vertical and horizontal incision in my uterus (an upside-down T) and that if I had more children I'd have to have a scheduled c-section because of it... well, it got me thinking. And with all the talk and fear of bleeding heavily prior to LG's arrival fresh in my mind and heart, I know that I don't feel safe having any more children. My fear is that my uterus would tear apart before the baby arrived. And frankly, I don't want to go through another c-section and recovery. But the primary reason is my fear that my uterus wouldn't hold up.

I told Tomek all of this, and that I didn't want to be cut open again to have my tubes tied, he started thinking about a vasectomy. They are free, apparently. I think his reasons for considering one are slightly different than my reasons. To him, two kids is plenty. And I guess it is... I've always thought my body is strong and resilient. But two children later, lots of stitches, pain meds, bleeding, and time spent lying on my back, and I'm not so sure. I feel weakened, and I don't like that. I feel guilty not taking LB to the park to play like I used to. But if she sees the swings and wants "up", well, I can't do it. I did take her for a walk today, the first one on my own since I've been home, and it went well. And she went down for a nap very peacefully. She's been so ornery and grumpy since I've been home, I'm worried the terrible 2s have come early.

I hope that we can maintain the schedule that the hospital has put LG on, and that it will help create order in our lives.

i really should do something useful

Monday night our LB came down with a fever. Poor kid. She hasn't been sick yet, so needless to say Tomek and I were a worried, nervous bundle of "omg what do we do?" She slept with us because otherwise he and I probably would have met countless times in the hall going to and coming from checking up on her. She was so HOT. :( And had a little cough. Her fever never went above 101.7F but we set alarms to go off every 2 hours anyway to keep tabs on her temperature. She hasn't been listless or anything other than a little more mellow than usual and wanting to be picked up all the time. Which I'm not allowed to do, so then she cries and it breaks my heart because I know she doesn't understand that the ONLY reason I'm not picking her up is because at this point it could harm me and the baby. So I spend a lot of time sitting on the floor so she can crawl into the small space still left on my lap, and we read. I'm so sick of Hop on Pop. Gah. But I'll always read it for her. :)

Yesterday, on top of LB being feverish, I had my obgyn appointment. We all went because it was the initial appointment and I thought she'd be explaining to me what was going to happen with the c-section, you know, put my mind at ease a bit.

Nope.

She went over all the bad things that could happen, finishing up with losing so much blood I need a transfusion and the placenta getting stuck resulting in a hysterectomy.

She asked me if I wanted to get my tubes tied and I said no because I think it's dumb to do something like that while I'm still healthy, capable and at a good age to have children. Who's to say that we won't decide to have a 3rd in a couple of years? Might not be in our plans right now, but you never know how things might be in 2 years or so.

She checked on the baby's heartbeat and it took her a little bit to find it. Then she listened for over a minute with a frown on her face. It was 120 bpm but she decided to send me to the hospital for a non-stress test anyway, to get a 20 minute reading of the heartbeat to make sure it was going up and down.

Poor LB was way past her nap time by this time, but it wouldn't have made sense (or so we thought) for Tomek to drive home with her, put her down for her nap then scoop her up again and come back to get me.

The obgyn scheduled me for another ultrasound at 35 weeks to confirm the placenta is still low, I see her again at 37 weeks on top of seeing my regular doctor and scheduling a trip to the hospital for my c-section orientation. All this with LB and w/o a car. Whee.

She scheduled my c-section for the 25th of February, then changed it this morning to the 20th of February. And oh BUMMER I was just perusing the wiki article on Feb 20th and that's Kurt Cobain's b-day. Ugh. I don't see why that guy is such a hero to so many people. I really don't get it. The others I recognized were Phil Esposito, Charles Barkley (pfft) and Cindy Crawford.

So back to the hospital and the non-stress test... the first nurse couldn't find the heartbeat at all. Just when I was getting really worried, the little guy started punching and kicking up a storm. Whew. But she still couldn't find his heartbeat. So she asked another nurse to find it. She had trouble, too, she could pick it up for a bit then would lose it again. She said it was the hardest heartbeat she'd ever had to find. And she graduated from nursing school the year I was born. 27 years. So I didn't get to lie there in peace and let my baby's heartbeats wash over me and soothe me. I sat/lay in a twisted half-on-back-half-on-side-half-sitting position with the nurse holding the sensor on my gooped-up belly and occasionally (I hate that word) pressing it into my belly.

But the heartbeat was normal, so that's good. We got home after 5 and LB and Tomek laid down for a nap while I prepped some chicken noodle soup. I laid down with them, too, and we got up to eat before 7. LB ate a LOT. And drank a LOT. Yay! :)

Last night was better, her fever was lower, although she's still pretty quiet and clingy.

Between her being sick and all this c-section stuff, I've not been thinking of much else. Maybe on the weekend...

SNOW!

I woke up this morning to snow. It was beautiful. And I got to walk in it in the quiet, early morning to the blood lab to take my glucose test.

In the afternoon we went to the Santa Claus parade which, disappointingly, seemed to be more a string of advertising vehicles than any cool floats or music. There were 3 marching bands, though, and about 3 neat floats. The one I liked the best had nothing to do with Christmas--it was a Falun Dafa float. Pics to come tomorrow. Tonight is hubby 'n' me night. :)

We just got back from the grocery store where we picked LB up some winter boots and mitts. She hated the boots I found for her in the little girls' section, I think because they were too stiff. But Tomek found some great ones in the little boys' section--suede looking outside, synthetic furry goodness on the inside, dark blue. She tried them on, walked a bit, gave us a big grin, and took off. She wore them all the way home. :)

It's supposed to snow more tonight, and I cannot wait for tomorrow and to take her to the park to play in the snow for the first time.

Yay I made it!

I survived NaBloPoMo. Admittedly, it is probably not as difficult as NaNoWriMo, but still, some days it was a challenge to come up with something to write at all. But I did. So hooray for me.

And I made some good headway on Christmas shopping today, and yesterday, too.

For my dad: a flat-screen monitor for his computer (he has a behemoth old box that sits beside his desk currently. Not good for the eyes or the neck or the shoulders or the back...), the book In the Hot Zone, and the book 10 Secrets that Revenue Canada Doesn't Want You to Know.

(If you haven't heard of Kevin Sites and his web site In the Hot Zone, I strongly recommend you check it out. He started out as an independent journalist and remains one--he traveled to 20 war zones in 1 year and the stories, videos and photos he shares are so much more than the canned crap that the news stations are constantly pumping out.)

My SIL is done, too--she learned British English in Russia, and has told me she feels like she's having to learn English all over again to understand people here. So I got her this book. It should help, although admittedly I haven't heard of a bunch of the things in there.

I had no idea what to get the grandparents from LB, so I browsed Michaels, the big art and crafts store here looking for something crafty we could do and say it was from her. I found some do-it-yourself-mosaic tiles and picked up this one because it comes with letter stamps and I'm all about the quotes. I figure we'll do one and then buy some more cement and glass pieces and marbles and then just reuse the mold and letter stamps in the set, rather than having 2 of each, and spending $30, twice. They have smaller ones too, and different items you can mosaicize, and I can totally see myself getting into this. :) From the gift angle, my mom and Tomek's parents are all really into gardening, and my parents are both landscape designers, so having a tile they can put in their garden works perfectly.

Let's see, LB is almost 16 months old, so of course I bought her something that isn't recommended for anyone under 3 years old. I got her a doodle pro (formerly known as magna doodle). I found one that came with a travel-sized doodle pro for when we are in the car, so she can draw while we drive. We also got her three books: Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? and 2 Dr. Suess books, all three with those cardboardy pages that are perfect for her at this age, although I sometimes see her getting frustrated that the books don't stay open as well as her Spot book does. We also got her a huge plush puppy because, well, it was $10, adorable and she seems to favour dogs over all other animals at this point. Well, she loves watching the crows at the park, too.

For my mom I got a new set of headphones for her iPod that has a pause button remote built onto the wire because she often listens to books on tape while working in the kitchen and anytime someone comes to talk to her (which is always when she's listening to a good story, or when she shuts the door on the bathroom to have a bath) she has to fish around in her pocket, find the pause button, then we can talk. I figure this will be much less of a hassle for her. I also want to get her a Willow Tree figurine, as she kind of collects them. She and I both really like the style, simplicity and expression of them. Aaannnd... I have to get her some stocking stuffer type stuff, too. I'd seen some bookmarks on Etsy that were made of leather thongs (strips) and beads. I was thinking I'd make her a couple 'cos I'm feeling creative like that.

One of my brothers wants a photojournalism book, so I'm hunting that down. And the other... is an emo/punk funny with sullen mood swings, a GREAT snowboarder... and a recent yoga enthusiast. He sent my mom a list, but I've yet to pick what to get him.

I want to get my brothers both something funky or fun as well as something I know they'd like and use.

As for my BIL, he's getting a Best Buy gift card.

Not writing about what I'm getting Tomek, for obvious reasons. :)

Now it's 7 minutes till midnight, so I better post this now. Don't want to be late on my very last NaBloPoMo post. Plus I have to get up at 6:45 to get myself to the blood lab to do my gestational diabetes test where I drink that super sugary drink on an empty stomach then sit and let it surge through my system for an hour before getting blood drawn. LOVELY.

G'night.

Naming

I never imagined that choosing names for my children would be so difficult. We didn't choose LB's name till the final days... but we did have a name for her before she was born.

We are having NO luck with agreeing on a boy name. A name which ideally won't be TOO common (like Bob or Joe), and not too odd, be pronounceable in English AND Polish (the tough part) or at least have a Polish version.

Before LB was born, we had Lukasz chosen for a boy. Lucas, but spelled the Polish way. (And in Polish it sounds like WOO-cash, which I don't particularly like.) Now I'm leaning towards James because it's always been my favourite boy name, but that would mean that the short-form of LB's name and his name would be the same as Harry Potter's parents. Jakob is also a possibility... it's the closest name to James in Polish. But the short-form of it is Kuba... which to me is something you'd name a dog.

So, help me out. Send me any and all boy names you like, or think might work for us, or whatever.

To help you out, here are a few of the names we've already nixed:

• Ezekiel
• Zenon
• Zachary
• Helmut
• Heinrich
• Oswald
• Casper
• Boris
• Bernard
  

aa

No, I’m not an alcoholic. The aa I’m talking about was what happened to me this morning, and which I think I can safely refer to as an anxiety attack. Tomek’s alarm went off at 5:15. Why, I don’t know. But it woke me up, and instantly my mind was whirring. Today was the day I would have his parents over from 10 a.m. till who knows how long, because I needed to borrow their van to drive myself to my doctor’s appointment and I needed them to take care of LB while I went. I knew they’d be playing with LB, but I also knew that she’d need a 1 ½ hour nap after I got back from my appointment, and I didn’t know how I’d keep a conversation with them for that long, what I’d give them for lunch… how to entertain them, basically. I so badly wanted to cancel my dr. appointment and tell his parents that the appointment was cancelled but if they wanted to come over later in the afternoon after LB’s nap that was fine.

I couldn’t fall back asleep. And on top of feeling all panicky, I started feeling angry because I was awake and Tomek was sleeping, even though it was his alarm that went off. So at 5:45 I got up and started noisily unloading the dishwasher and washing the few dishes left from the previous night, in preparation for his parents’ arrival. I didn’t want to leave any dishes that his mom might decide to do while I was gone. Tomek asked me why I was so pissed off so I told him how I was feeling—dreading the visit, wanting to cancel the dr. appointment, etc. His reply was It’s not a tragedy.

I clammed up, finished with the dishes and went back to bed, where I cried. And cried. After about 10 minutes, he came in and softly asked me why I was crying. He laid down beside me… and I think he wanted to understand. Or at least wanted to help.

To you, it’s nothing. To me, it’s too much.

We probably won’t ever fully understand each other. Again, it all comes down to love. You loved me enough despite my emotional swings to comfort me, kiss me, hug me, even if I seemed non-responsive at the time, even if I seemed too wrapped up in dreading the morning to come.

Before he left for work, he knelt beside the bed where I was finally drifting back to sleep, rested his head on mine and said It's going to be ok, you'll see. Telling me it would be ok, even though he probably didn't think there was anything for me to worry about, well, that combined with near sleep helped me turn a corner and realize the day couldn't possibly be as horrible as it seemed it would be at 5:15 am.

The dr. appointment went well. Triple screen came back normal, my iron and rubella levels are good, and I’ve gained 7 lbs. Finally. Baby’s heartbeat was a healthy 143 bmp, my uterus measures approx. 24 cm which is right on for how far along I am.

When she was getting the heartbeat, it sounded like it had an extra thump to it, but it turns out we were hearing the baby’s heartbeat and my placenta. Wild.

(And the visit with the in-laws was fine, too.)