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(moved to write largely due to finding starz again)

I survived 4 days in Oregon, approximately 800 miles driven with 2 kiddies, and 2 border crossings (shudder).

On the drive back I was listening to Great Big Sea, The Boss, and Tom Petty... and man, my thoughts were flowing and I was just cruising along in them (and on the I-5) and I had SO much I wanted to write about, so much inspiration... the biggest being a line from one song:

How do we get from saying I love you to I'll see you around someday?

I was really wondering that while in Oregon, because, well, I spent 5 years of my life there and while I know I could never ever permanently live in the States (ducks flying Texan tacos), a lot of memories surfaced again while I was there... and it's hard to leave that behind... this time knowing it'll probably be years and years before I go down there again. I was at my old high school, you see, and my youngest brother just graduated. I thought about making a trip down every few years with him to the alumni weekend they hold, but back when I was a student, alumni weekend was for graduates only, not drop outs. And that's what I am. So, I don't feel like an alumnus and I certainly don't feel I'd fit among all those graduates. Sigh.

But back to that line from the song... commencement was the final activity of the weekend, and during the graduates speeches, I was wondering precisely how do do that. I dated a guy for a year while I was at that school, and he's still there, a teacher... this December 8th will mark a decade since the day he dumped me. I don't know what he thinks of me anymore, we went from not speaking and me feeling like I'd never ever ever love again... to an amicable "friendship". I put that in quotes because I am not one of those people who can be genuine friends with my exes. Not a chance in hell. But this guy, we hug when we see each other, and smile a lot... and I don't know where I'm going with this. I DO know that I don't want to hurt my hubby by anything I might write... but it's so hard to be honest and write when I know that if I write totally honestly about all the shit I want to write about, I may very well end up hurting someone. My family, basically. I've already done that. It wasn't nice to hear what my dad had to say, to see the look on his face... to KNOW that I could have not shared that one piece of writing--the piece that I felt was one of the best I'd ever written.

Anyway, during commencement I knew I'd be saying a pretty much final good bye to that guy... and I was trying to figure out what to say so that I'd feel at peace about the last 11 years I've known him. So that he'd know how I'd felt, how I feel (which I'm still trying to figure out how to put into words) and... well, he passed me as he was leaving and said good-bye and I said I didn't know when and if I'd be around again so--- and I couldn't think of any way to say what I thought I'd be saying. So we smiled and he walked on. But our eyes DID meet before he left... and I felt like maybe I don't need to say anything. Maybe he understands. Maybe he knows that while I would not change how my life is now, I would never change who I'm with, I still think he is a really great guy. Special. Just...

Bugger.