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(moved to write largely due to finding starz again)

I survived 4 days in Oregon, approximately 800 miles driven with 2 kiddies, and 2 border crossings (shudder).

On the drive back I was listening to Great Big Sea, The Boss, and Tom Petty... and man, my thoughts were flowing and I was just cruising along in them (and on the I-5) and I had SO much I wanted to write about, so much inspiration... the biggest being a line from one song:

How do we get from saying I love you to I'll see you around someday?

I was really wondering that while in Oregon, because, well, I spent 5 years of my life there and while I know I could never ever permanently live in the States (ducks flying Texan tacos), a lot of memories surfaced again while I was there... and it's hard to leave that behind... this time knowing it'll probably be years and years before I go down there again. I was at my old high school, you see, and my youngest brother just graduated. I thought about making a trip down every few years with him to the alumni weekend they hold, but back when I was a student, alumni weekend was for graduates only, not drop outs. And that's what I am. So, I don't feel like an alumnus and I certainly don't feel I'd fit among all those graduates. Sigh.

But back to that line from the song... commencement was the final activity of the weekend, and during the graduates speeches, I was wondering precisely how do do that. I dated a guy for a year while I was at that school, and he's still there, a teacher... this December 8th will mark a decade since the day he dumped me. I don't know what he thinks of me anymore, we went from not speaking and me feeling like I'd never ever ever love again... to an amicable "friendship". I put that in quotes because I am not one of those people who can be genuine friends with my exes. Not a chance in hell. But this guy, we hug when we see each other, and smile a lot... and I don't know where I'm going with this. I DO know that I don't want to hurt my hubby by anything I might write... but it's so hard to be honest and write when I know that if I write totally honestly about all the shit I want to write about, I may very well end up hurting someone. My family, basically. I've already done that. It wasn't nice to hear what my dad had to say, to see the look on his face... to KNOW that I could have not shared that one piece of writing--the piece that I felt was one of the best I'd ever written.

Anyway, during commencement I knew I'd be saying a pretty much final good bye to that guy... and I was trying to figure out what to say so that I'd feel at peace about the last 11 years I've known him. So that he'd know how I'd felt, how I feel (which I'm still trying to figure out how to put into words) and... well, he passed me as he was leaving and said good-bye and I said I didn't know when and if I'd be around again so--- and I couldn't think of any way to say what I thought I'd be saying. So we smiled and he walked on. But our eyes DID meet before he left... and I felt like maybe I don't need to say anything. Maybe he understands. Maybe he knows that while I would not change how my life is now, I would never change who I'm with, I still think he is a really great guy. Special. Just...

Bugger.

at this moment

Also, I just purchased this print by A Softer World. It kicked me right in the gut.

Stupid crap that makes up my day

I feel totally on edge today. Maybe it's because LB woke up an hour earlier than she has been. All the little things are pissing me off. I was cleaning up dirty dishes left over from yesterday and I tipped over one of her cups, which was still 3/4 full of water... and soaked the nearby garlic. Then, just a few minutes ago I was getting her ready to go out for our morning walk, and she put up an absolute fight about getting a sweater on. She doesn't like her winter jacket either. So I was thinking, ok, I'll put her in a long-sleeved shirt, a warm sweater and then her fall jacket which she likes a lot more. I found a knit hooded sweater that my mom had given me (it had been mine when I was a baby) and it fit LB perfectly. The hood was a little snug around her face, but I wanted that because she refuses to wear hats, so hoods it has to be. She hated it. She's not a fussy baby. She surprises me on a daily basis with just how tough she is. But I guess she's already warm enough inside and then getting all these bulky clothes and getting stuffed like a sausage into her stroller pisses her off. I can totally understand. But I can't deal with it. So we just don't go out. I took off the sweater and put her down for a nap instead. She's not arguing (crying) about it, so maybe she was just tired. I think I've done a really good job about over-heating her when it comes to dressing her, but it's a smidge above freezing out and that calls for more clothes. Period.

I was checking out Neko's blog today and I saw her link to an Esty artist, The Black Apple. And... I love this. Sigh. Right now my most important creative endeavor is getting rid of some of the clutter in our 750 sq ft apartment. With the coming Christmas tree and boxes of decorations, especially. Plus, there's just too much crap. Everywhere.

I guess I just gave myself the solution to my angst-ridden day. Take out all the negative pissy feelings on the crap in our apartment so I'm a ray of sunshine when LB wakes up from her nap.

The perfect stocking stuffer site

I'm so addicted to browsing Etsy. Admittedly, I'm mostly seeing things that would make good stocking stuffers for the girls and women in your life... things that I want. So I search, under the guise of looking for things for my mom. Heh.

These are a brilliant idea, perfect for a bookworm.

And I can't believe these are only $8!

I've always loved the look of mosaics.

And browsing this site has given me so much inspiration to be more creative. But starting is always the hardest part. I guess finding cheap materials would be a good first step.

seesaw

Humans are meant to feel a whole range of emotions.
Being happy all the time is certainly something to strive for.
But don't label me if I'm not.
Don't call me depressed when I'm overwhelmed at the realization that I am responsible for another person's life--a person so tiny, delicate and fragile that it would take almost no effort for that life to disappear. It's frightening, Ms. Dr.
Don't mistake my tears for depression.

If I cry, hug me.
If I rage, try to understand why.
If I choose to love you, feel damned lucky cos you're stuck with me for life.

not gone

The Guess Who: Undun
She's come undun
She didn't know what she was headed for
And when I found what she was headed for
It was too late

She's come undun
She found a mountain that was far too high
And when she found out she couldn't fly
It was too late

It's too late
She's gone too far
She's lost the sun

She's come undun
She wanted truth but all she got was lies
Came the time to realize
And it was too late

She's come undun
She didn't know what she was headed for
And when I found what she was headed for
Mama, it was too late

It's too late
She's gone too far
She's lost the sun
She's come undun

Too many mountains, and not enough stairs to climb
Too many churches and not enough truth
Too many people and not enough eyes to see
Too many lives to lead and not enough time

It's too late
She's gone too far
She's lost the sun

She's come undun

It's too late
She's gone too far
She's lost the sun

She's come undun
She didn't know what she was headed for
And when I found what she was headed for
It was too late

She's come undun
She found a mountain that was far too high
And when she found out she couldn't fly
Mama, it was too late

It's too late
She's gone too far
She's lost the sun

She's come undun

That was my old theme song... worked magic on pulling poems out of me.

I've been kind of pissed when it comes to my creativity (or absolute lack thereof) in the past couple of years. Yesterday, I finally figured something out. It's not that my creativity has gone. The things I used to create, poems mostly, were always somewhat dark. I fed off my darker emotions: fear, sadness, anger, anguish. I used music to help me get to that place. Music like The Dreaming, Disturbed, Avril Lavigne (she writes her own lyrics and I respect that, ok?), Dashboard Confessional, Finger Eleven, Evanescence, Linkin Park, etc. Since becoming pregnant with LB, I've done my best to hide those emotions away. I can't completely of course, but enough so that I don't slip back into them... and thus I haven't written anything in quite some time. So I thought my creativity is just in hiding, tucked away with the dark things in me because it's important to me to keep that side of me completely separate from my family life now.

But it's not in hiding, either. I mean, that part of it is, for sure. But it was my choice. And now a new form of creativity has shown itself to me. And, occasionally, to you.



If I get the time and space to start working with charcoal again, then perhaps I'll be able to oust the darker stuff without letting it completely take me over in the process. We'll see.