Restless

Maybe it's spring fever. I don't feel lazy or listless really. I feel like a have a ton of pent up wanting-to-do-something-but-can't-figure-out-what. Blah.

I'm heading to my parents' place Saturday evening for a week. I was supposed to leave this morning but the weather turned bad so my dad is going to pick me and the little ones on his way back from California tomorrow evening. Tom is snowboarding tomorrow so I get yet another day of this. This. Same thing every day. More on the weekends. So maybe it'll somehow be relaxing tomorrow. And then maybe I'll meet up with some old high school friends on Sunday sans kids.

**edit: he switched his snowboarding day to sunday so he wouldn't be leaving me alone with the kids... **

I feel burnt out. I'm constantly pissed off and angry, not towards my kids... just... bubbling inside.

The high school friends I mentioned just bought a house in the Interior. They aren't even married yet. Engaged. She's moving there from Toronto... I wonder if she's found a job yet. I wonder how they managed to afford a house when we can barely afford our 746 square foot apartment.

I need a job. For myself and for us. It'll make things financially easier. Maybe it'll take the edge off my mental anxiety.

Don't I sound like a head case.

I'm just so tired of being spit up on and peed on and having poop smeared on me and constantly washing bottles and doing laundry and being spit up upon and feeling like I don't get LB out enough, don't get her around other kids enough.

It would be nice to go snowboarding. Easy for him. But apparently an impossibility for me.

Maybe a week away from here will do me good. I can make plans in a different environment.

I'd like to move to the Interior someday I think. I know Tom doesn't. But you can buy a house there for 1/3 the price it now costs in Vancouver.

Maybe I'm just sick of living in such a metropolitan area. I want to go somewhere where it's slower paced but not narrow-minded hicksville. Is that even possible?

When the white knight’s talking backwards…

(I started writing this a few days ago. Stalled out. Or got distracted by the kiddies. But it was a start at finally writing down all the stuff stirring around in my head.)

I know I’m continually changing. People who already have a steady feeling of who they are at the core of them probably feel less tugged around when the little life changes happen to them. I am not sure who I really am. Or maybe I do and I’ve blocked it out. I think because I have no sure sense of who I am at the heart of myself, the little changes that happen hit me harder and I feel like my whole self might be changing.

Lately I’ve been thinking about the term hippie.

If only people believed more in peace, in letting others believe what they will believe—as long as those beliefs are not hurting or suppressing others. That’s how I try to live. But to try to show someone what is right… if you tell them this is right, they might not believe you, or they might go along with it because its what has been ingrained in them since birth. But if they are given a choice, and let to make their own decisions they might not make the decsion you wanted them to make, but more importantly they may get so bogged down by having a choice, (looking at what choice others made, listening to others saying that they should or shouldn’t believe this or that) that they never actually make a decision at all.

Too much stuff.
Materialism—it’s all just a distraction. Hide away with your big-screen plasma LCD flat screen tv and your computer and your games and your techno-gadgets and go to church 2x a year and feel fulfilled.

And there’s nothing like too much stuff to make one feel cluttered inside as well.

resolutions

I never make new year's resolutions. Until now. I'd like to think of it more as a new-life resolution. I see the short-comings in myself. How I feel the incessant need to make others happy in order for ME to be happy. It shouldn't loop back like that. But it does. I never reached a point where I was happy just being alone, being with myself, before I got married. I've wanted to be married and have a family since I was little... and once I had one boyfriend, I was in pursuit of the one. The one that I wanted to be with forever, the one who would want to be with me, the one with whom I'd create a wonderful life. A couple of times, I thought I'd found that person. But I was 17 and then 21 and really what does anyone know at those ages? (Yes, that makes me sound old, I know).

So. I've gone about things a little backwards. I'm married, I have a family (soon to be a family of four) of my very own. And now it's time for me to find contentment with... me. I will still love doing all the little things that make Tomek smile and laugh and make his day (I hope) a little brighter, a little easier. But I can't let my success in that determine my happiness on a daily basis.

So my resolution is contentment. (Is it a good sign that I misspelled it the first time around?) Content with who I am, what I do, and able to sit down and focus one particular thing for more than 1/2 hour. I think a big factor in my contentment is work. I don't want to have a career that I put before my children. Never, ever. But I made it through a two-year writing/editing/design program and I finally made a decision (after changing my mind a bunch) on which aspect of it I want to pursue in work. I'm not a jack-of-all-trades girl. I don't like writing what other people need written. My writing is mine. I can't think clearly, I can't concentrate and I definitely don't feel inspired when I'm writing for other people. Unless it's my family. Writing promo for my mom and dad's business or my brother's photography web site, no problem. But there's love there. And a drive to help those I love.

For everyone else, I'll edit.

My dad works for a fellow who he thinks might be in need of a proofreader. He gave me some copies of some of the stuff the guy puts out each month and I'm going to re-educate myself on proofreading, proofread one of the copies and send it to the guy with my resume and a letter. Normally I wouldn't consider cold calling, or cold writing, someone. But this guy is an entrepreneur (damn I need to brush up on my spelling as well) and from what my dad has heard and knows of the guy, he might actually appreciate my contacting him. And if not, well, I'm not sure what then. But this is a start. Something real. Something for me.

there will always be happy times, of that i'm sure

LB and I combined weigh 175 lbs.

(LB saw me put this photo up, pointed and said "mommy! mommy! mommy!")

Tonight I had to search for how to make rice. I knew there was a 2-1 ratio in there somewhere but couldn't remember which way it went.

The rear brakes on my car, and the rotors, were completely annihilated during the holidays. Luckily it's front-wheel drive or I don't think we would have gotten away with driving it like that for so long. Tomek is at his parents' place (they are out of town) replacing the brakes and rotors tonight. LB and I could have gone with him, but I figured it would be easier to keep her happy here. So we stayed. I miss him. It's an evening primrose oil evening.


None of the things I was dreading happening over the holidays happened. It's always that way isn't it? Waste all that energy dreading something that doesn't happen, which leaves you completely unprepared and without energy to deal with what does happen.

But as the holidays fade behind us (for which I'm so thankful), I'm letting all that fade behind me as well. I still hurt, I got dragged down and then beat myself up. But a little love goes a long way with me. Show a little tenderness when I'm not expecting it and I'll tear up.
Tomek got rid of the Christmas tree last night, cutting it up into little bits in our living room and then taking it to his parents' place so they can burn it in their fireplace. I'm so glad to have some space out here again. I brought the bulk of LB's toys out here and I think she much prefers playing out here than in her room. Me, too. It's easier to do things and keep an eye on her this way.

Anyone feel like sharing their method for dealing with receipts? How they are organized, where they are kept, etc.?

LB doesn't seem to want to have much to do with me when Tomek is home these days. It's all about Daddy. Which is nice to see, but I can't help feel a teensy weensy bit left out. Guess I'll never be satisfied.

Tomek found a bunch of "artwork" I did in a college graphic design class 6-7 years ago. They were inbetween packing paper lining the bottom of a box that had Christmas decor in it.

There's always going to be love, just wait and see.

seesaw

Humans are meant to feel a whole range of emotions.
Being happy all the time is certainly something to strive for.
But don't label me if I'm not.
Don't call me depressed when I'm overwhelmed at the realization that I am responsible for another person's life--a person so tiny, delicate and fragile that it would take almost no effort for that life to disappear. It's frightening, Ms. Dr.
Don't mistake my tears for depression.

If I cry, hug me.
If I rage, try to understand why.
If I choose to love you, feel damned lucky cos you're stuck with me for life.

Whew.

So, it's done. I went to the office, introduced LB to everyone and told the HR guy that I won't be back.

Whew.

I feel kind of bad having let that job go. It was decent money for the work I did, good benefits, free wine. But having driven there, and not even in rush hour, I cannot imagine myself making that commute 2x a day. I don't know how Tomek does it in rush hour. He does have an mp3 player to listen to speeches and books and such though.

So, now that I'm officially not returning to work, I have to figure out how I can help us save lots of money. Things like letting Tom use my car and retiring his car (reg. gas vs. premium and one less car insurance payment to make each month), making him lunches to take work each day (any good ideas?? He doesn't have access to a fridge and rarely a microwave). Finding good consignment stores and taking clothes there to make a bit of money off clothes we don't want anymore. I've been debating over getting rid of some of LB's stuff... I'm hoarding everything right now. In the core of me I'd like to have another child... I think. But I've pretty much decided not until LB starts pre-school.

And I wonder about part-time editing or tutoring. I cannot see myself tutoring kids. Maybe continuing ed. adults. People who really want my help. I want to feel appreciated, dammit.

Getting it all together

I came back from our trip to my parents' place with a mission. I finally feel that I can accomplish things, that I can knock items off our ever-growing list of things that need to be done, yesterday.

Tomorrow I am finally going to tell my work that I won't be returning. I called a girl who recently did the same, although she'd been in there to visit a lot before she told them. And she told the president in person. She advised me to do the same. So I called this morning to talk to him and arrange a meeting tomorrow but he's in France till the day before I'm due back. So that means I talked to the HR guy tomorrow instead. That should be ok. I had been waffling so much about going back to work that I won't be lying when I say that I'm sorry to tell them so late into my mat. leave but up until a little bit ago I was planning on returning to work on July 3rd.

I made an appointment to get my car fixed up because the list kept growing of things that needed to be checked out on it. So my car goes in Thursday morning.

And I bought a travel guide of Poland and a huge detailed map of Poland and I've started hashing out our trip. In detail. With hotel reservations I hope. That way we have our time blocked out of when we are going where and when we will be in Tom's hometown with his family.
LB is being an absolute PEACH. She's been sitting happily playing with her toys while I've been making those phone calls and writing this blog.

I feel good. I think this could turn out to be a great day, even if it is cloudy and rainy outside.

points of time flying

I see them all, the writers, publishers, editors, painters, photographers, a mix of all of those. Artists making it happen. And I sit here making nothing happen. Making a lot happen. Raising a daughter. Everything is pointless next to her. Where is something meaningful, something to be passionate about that could possibly compare to her? Perhaps I gave birth too soon. I'll never regret that if it's true. Another time, another instant, a different child.
But still I want something more. But a sense of accomplishment cannot come without millions of minutes of work that might seem pointless, pointless points of time that come together to form meaning.

Is it possible to think something not thought before, to create something not yet seen. Or are all new ideas spin-offs of those already thought. Is everything we create just our interpretation of something someone else has already done?

What could I create. Ideas come every day, but how to begin, when to begin, if not now.

Is a solitary success possible. How important are other people in our lives to make our dreams come true.

* * *

oneword: yesterday

yesterday is far away so quickly. i never think of today as a yesterday until it's over. never think of it as "today is a new yesterday". i need to make my yesterdays count for more than just another day gone by till the weekend.

graduation

My middle brother, D, has graduated from high school. Not just any high school. This high school. The high school that I decided I didn't want to graduate from after my parents had moved to the area from Ontario. Since it's a boarding school, graduation is a BIG deal, with family of grads and students flying in from all over the world. The festivities and events (prom, commencement, etc.) last all weekend. I haven't gone to these events since my last year there, in '99. So many of my friends are alumni, and while the school did extend it's meaning of Alumni Weekend (which happens in the fall) to include any who ever attended the school, I will never feel like an alumnus.

My brother accomplished what I did not. That's not to say I couldn't have. I probably could have, if I'd really wanted it. But I didn't. All I was interested in was reading, writing, and playing basketball, softball and volleyball. I had no idea where I wanted to go after, and no interest in trying to figure it out. I wanted a boyfriend, a partner, someone who I could go with on the next stage of my life, so I'd never be alone.

Now I'll return. With a family of my own. A husband, a daughter, rings on my finger.

But no bells on my toes. What will I say when people from those years ask what I'm doing now? Will I exaggerate and say "oh I work for a marketing company in Vancouver"... and lead them to believe I work in marketing when really I do odd office work for this and that department? A job I do not particularly like and probably will not be returning to?

Graduation of any kind fills many people with the sense that the great part of their life is just around the corner. Some of them blast their way around that corner, blowing away all the obstacles and accomplishing their dreams. Others, like me, stall out and fumble around, waiting for companionship, waiting for a sense of belonging... while their dreams lie in dust.

Time to pick them up, brush them off, and see what they've got.

i miss blogging

I really do. I miss being in contact with all of you. I'm probably going to write most of this post while watching LB. Good thing I can type w/o looking at the screen or keyboard! :)

The work situation is slowly figuring itself out. I have to get into the office though. I haven't introduced them to LB yet, and a woman who started working there after me and gave birth a month after I did has already been in there a lot. She kind of cheesed me off. She was so adamant that she wasn't going to work there anymore after her maternity leave, and was going to tell them after it's up that she's not working there anymore, and here she is working before her mat leave is up and--well, good for her right? I just felt like I had a comrade-in-arms thing with her about quitting after mat leave. But now it looks like I won't be either.

I had a new worry about it all last night--as soon as I start back at work I'm probably going to feel horrid because Tom's mom gets to spend all that time with LB while I'm stuck at stupid work. But right now I feel like I should be getting back to work and bringing in some extra income--or at least as much as my mat leave pay if I can work part-time. I think I only want to work part-time to start. Then there's the whole deal with going away to Poland for a month in the middle of August.

My thought is this: work part-time (3 days a week, 830-500) From July 1st to the middle of August when I leave for Poland. Once I return from Poland, work full-time if they need me like that, or continue part-time till I build up enough work there to work full-time.

I've bitched about the company so much and I really am not too keen on working there, plus it's downtown which will be a bit of a hike, but I guess I just don't have enough faith in myself that I could find a better job, given my limited full-time work experience.

A friend of mine works at an internet marketing company. This is the second one. She got laid off from the first one because they automated her job (ouch) and within a few weeks she had a new job at this company. She says to start at an entry-level position and let the company know I want to be with them long-term and work my way up. I just don't exude confidence like that in interviews. Or at all, really.

Sigh. I'm going to go create an Amazon wish list now.

Ugly

Pretty

a short glimpse into my every day

oneword: gorgeous

what is gorgeous anyway? it's all in our minds, in our heads, but we let media lead the way. love = gorgeous. the more love, the more gorgeous someone becomes in my eyes.

does anyone see themselves as gorgeous?

getting things in order

That's my biggest problem. And from where everything else stems. I know that there will always be a certain amount of chaos in my life and I expect that, I think it's good--who wants life to be boring? But prior to having LB, (which as you all know was not expected) I didn't have a career or a very organized life at all. Our home was always a mess, I felt like I was always running here and there and never had time to have a relaxed organized life.

I spent the afternoon at Tomek's parents' place yesterday and they were rearranging their bedroom with new linen/drapes, etc. There was someone out back installing a sprinkler system, and while they were busy, it was an organized, step-by-step busy. They seemed to have a plan of what they were going to do, and were doing it. Me? I run around and do a bit here and a bit there and at the end of the day I have a little done here and there but nothing substantial to show for it.

Last night I was up till 5 a.m. and I did a lot of thinking (and cursing my aching face). I want to have time for hobbies, to pursue things I enjoy, and I want a neat, organized home , with regular, healthy meals and stuff done on time (like taxes. shit.).

The work situation is one thing that's still tying me in a knot. I know eventually I have to go in and talk to them.... but I just got in touch with a coworker of mine, and the company has since lost an account that was approx. 1/3 of it's business. OUCH. So maybe they won't want to hire me back long-term... my job was pretty random and trivial, I thought. I don't want to work there long term. I'd like to take some courses at the local technical institute--tech writing, web design, something along those lines. Something that is like what I've already learned, but isn't totally just "writing" or "editing". Something more concrete that I can have as a career. But I can't afford school unless I have some kind of job--I can't work my old job part-time, I don't think. Hm. Maybe I should talk to them about that. Going in 3 days a week or something. but they used to have a full-time workload for me... and i'd be giving up benefits....

I just want to have a life like Mindy writes about. busy but peaceful. I know I have a baby and that adds a lot of randomity to a life... but I can dream can't i?

a subtle pressure

I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning. Yes it was possible I could have been pregnant. What made me wonder the most was the overwhelming car-sickness I've been feeling most evenings. So I took a test.

I'm not pregnant.

With that fact now known, I started taking an honest look at my --HOLY CRAP

I just turned away because LB was beside me, and she's been playing with a roll of tape, so I'd given her a ball of tape, sticky side out to see what she'd do with it. And she was standing beside me looking at this roll of tape in her hand, and I realized I couldn't feel the warm pressure of her hand as she leaned against me. SHE WAS STANDING ON HER OWN. And as I watched and realized she was standing there on her own, she slowly crouched her knees and sat down on her bum, still busily inspecting this sticky thing that won't let go of her hand.

!!!! my baby is amazing !!!!

That said, and since she is still busy with the tape ball, I'll continue with my original subject: having more kids. I already feel a pressure from Tom's parents, although they mostly talk about it when TOm's brother is there, too. When will they have a grandSON. They have a grand-daughter, now they need a grandson. It's no serious pressure, but it's one I feel anyway. I always thought I'd have 3 children like my mom did, and didn't want to have an only child because I thought kids were better off with siblings. MUCH better off. But how I felt after LB was born is still burned into me. And I'm still recovering and slowly regaining whatever it was that went away when she was born. Its not anything I can really label. Just a feeling inside me that things aren't the same. Something is missing. I'm not as strong as I once was, not as able. Maybe thinking makes it so, but I don't believe that is the case here.

Now that I know I'm not pregnant, I think that I might not have any more children. I might, I don't want to say definitely yet. I don't want Tom to get snipped at such a young age because I think that's stupid. And I do feel a certain competition with Tom's brother, he's just the kind of person that brings that out in me--I'd like to beat him in something. Well, I already did since we gave his parents their first grandchild. But I shouldn't even be looking at it as a competition. That in itself is stupid of me, I know. But he has this teasing, cocky attitude and says things about women that while joking, are so sexist that I want to shove a shooter down his throat sometimes. But when I compare that feeling to the feelings I have that have stemmed from giving birth and taking care of LB each day... and the general tiredness I can't shake, I know right now... having another child would not be easy on me.

anti-something

How much longer till I can just stop and be who I am?

epiphany

I've got to become confident enough in myself, who I am and my abilities so that when I see other people who have different abilities and skills than I do (eg. great cook, keeps house spotless, belly dances), I don't see those things as lacking in myself. I have to be able to just be comfortable enough with who I am so I don't see skills that I don't have as being shortcomings in myself.

Time to make a list of all the things I can do and like to do--I think that would be a great ego-booster. :)

contentment #1

In January, shenry graced me with these words:

I believe that everything in this world, from philosophy to physics to our personal lives, seeks equilibrium. Eventually, things will level off, but it's an iterative process of peaks and valleys (damn, Robynn is wise). Hopefully, as we evolve the valleys become shallower and the peaks taper until we are left with a steady state of contentment... at least that's my hope. I'd be perfectly satisfied with homogenized contentment.

Then I posted that belief = peace blog... and the idea of belief has been what sticks. But it's belief in myself. It's getting interested in me, in my own interests, in things that make me feel good--whether it's organizing my stamp collection, rifling through old poetry, browsing spring clothes in the mall (I LOVE SPRING!), taking photos of my most favourite girl in the world, giving myself a mental makeover, deciding to start toning up these flabby parts, blogging more frequently--just digging out time here and there for me. Even if the kitchen goes uncleaned for a day.

I'm at a point in my life (now that we've booked the tickets to fly overseas in August) where I've been given a chance to start over with myself. I really feel that, I believe that. Our trip is going to be a big thing--I'm going to make it ours. A trip where we have time to relax, fall in love with each other even more, explore new places... it's going to be great.