Restless

Maybe it's spring fever. I don't feel lazy or listless really. I feel like a have a ton of pent up wanting-to-do-something-but-can't-figure-out-what. Blah.

I'm heading to my parents' place Saturday evening for a week. I was supposed to leave this morning but the weather turned bad so my dad is going to pick me and the little ones on his way back from California tomorrow evening. Tom is snowboarding tomorrow so I get yet another day of this. This. Same thing every day. More on the weekends. So maybe it'll somehow be relaxing tomorrow. And then maybe I'll meet up with some old high school friends on Sunday sans kids.

**edit: he switched his snowboarding day to sunday so he wouldn't be leaving me alone with the kids... **

I feel burnt out. I'm constantly pissed off and angry, not towards my kids... just... bubbling inside.

The high school friends I mentioned just bought a house in the Interior. They aren't even married yet. Engaged. She's moving there from Toronto... I wonder if she's found a job yet. I wonder how they managed to afford a house when we can barely afford our 746 square foot apartment.

I need a job. For myself and for us. It'll make things financially easier. Maybe it'll take the edge off my mental anxiety.

Don't I sound like a head case.

I'm just so tired of being spit up on and peed on and having poop smeared on me and constantly washing bottles and doing laundry and being spit up upon and feeling like I don't get LB out enough, don't get her around other kids enough.

It would be nice to go snowboarding. Easy for him. But apparently an impossibility for me.

Maybe a week away from here will do me good. I can make plans in a different environment.

I'd like to move to the Interior someday I think. I know Tom doesn't. But you can buy a house there for 1/3 the price it now costs in Vancouver.

Maybe I'm just sick of living in such a metropolitan area. I want to go somewhere where it's slower paced but not narrow-minded hicksville. Is that even possible?

It feels like I cried all day

It feels like it must be the worst feeling in the world--on par with losing someone I love. He's not lost to me, yet part of him is. He's miserable, unhappy, stressed out, and despite loving him so much, loving him so much more completely than I thought it possible to love another person, I can't help him. In little ways, I've tried. Warm meals, hugs, kisses, bathing LB (which is not always a pleasant task when exhausted in the evening), trying to keep stress from everything else off his shoulders (Christmas prep, figuring out what to get who, paying bills)... nothing is enough. I love him so much, yet I can't do anything to make a lasting happy impression on him. Some evenings we have the time and energy to play a bit of Trivial Pursuit or do a crossword... but there's just always so much else baring down on us, and I don't know how we're supposed to deal with it all. I never thought life could be so convoluted, so messy, so overwhelming all the time. I feel like a lousy mom, a lousy wife, because I can't keep the mess straight. I'm home all day. I should be able to do it. But I can't.

It hurts so badly to know that my love isn't enough to make it all right.

No more Christmas spirit

I just can't do it. The more I tidy and clean and try to put things away the more the mess just explodes out of every corner. I don't know where all this paper comes from, all the random shit that is just strewn everywhere.

We don't have a Christmas tree yet, we don't have decorations up. I made plans for us to go to a Santa Claus parade and it was lame. I set things up for us to make and colour paper snowflakes and it just put us to sleep.

I just now got back from Michaels (art store). I went with a mission to pick up some extra supplies to make another mosaic garden tile (just some more powdered cement and glass bits), leather strips, some beads and some rings to make bookmarks, and some red, white and green Hama beads. Couldn't find the right rings or leather strips for the bookmarks, got completely overwhelmed by all the beads, couldn't find the Hama beads and got pissed off because the mosaic set we bought for $30 a week ago is now $20. The extra powdered cement is $10 and teeny single-coloured bags of stained glass are around $7. I would have spent WAY more than $20 to pick up what I wanted to, so I just bought a different shaped mosaic set. Then I wanted to buy some glass pebbles because this set I was buying didn't have them and the other one did. $5 for a bag of 25 little rocks. Luckily I went down a different aisle closer to the front of the store where they had LARGE bags of these SAME stones for $3. What. The. Hell.

I hate being a consumer. I hate having to buy stuff. I hate how I know I'm getting ripped off everytime I go into a store, and if it seems like it's a good deal, then it's probably because what I'm buying was made in a 3rd-world sweat shop.

So I'll be going back to Michaels at some point and I didn't go to another 2 stores I wanted to go to because it was just me and LB and frankly it's getting exhausting heaving her in and out of the car, and I know I'm not supposed to do it. But today is Tomek's morning to sleep in (yes, he's still sleeping... but since he averages 4-5 hours of sleep per night during the week, I think he's got every right to sleep till 1 p.m. if he wants).

I want to buy a Christmas tree today. Me and my fixation with having a real tree. It means we have to empty all of Tomek's work stuff out of my full trunk and back into his car before we go. Total hassle.

I just feel like taking every bit of clutter within eyesight and throwing it all in a big garbage bag and heaving it off the balcony.

Oh and a c-section is imminent I found out on Thursday. So that's freaking the hell out of me. But I don't have a chance to actually let my feelings out because I'm supposed to be filled with Christmas CHEER.

Bah humbug.

is it or isn't it

The grandson. The first grandson. The first grandson of the first son of the only son, to take it back a few generations. That's what everyone seems to be waiting for. It's up to either Tomek or his brother to have a son who will carry on their family name.

It might be all in my head but I feel like it's turned into a competition. On three separate occasions now I've heard that my SIL things my in-laws like me better because I gave them a grand-daughter. And I heard little things in Poland that make me think she's hoping to have a son. THE son. The son that will make them so proud. The son that will carry on the family name. Last time we were visiting Tomek's parents, that thing about my SIL came up, and his dad (who, I know, was drunk at the time) mentioned "waiting" for a grandson.

It wouldn't be a big deal. It wouldn't be eating me up inside like this. I think Tomek thinks I'm silly for fixating on it. And really, it's my own damn fault. I let myself get drawn into the game, into the "competition" of having the first grandson. By now the gender is decided. I badly want to know if I'm having the long-awaited son. If I'm not, I know I won't want to tell his family it's not a son. It's so DAMN stupid. But I have this feeling that my SIL is really REALLY hoping I won't have a son. And that seems kind of warped. Or maybe it's just warped of me to think that she thinks that. Part of me wants to come straight out and ask her about it, ask her if this whole "they like me more" idea she has is true. Because, really, who cares? They are in-laws. Since when did being a daughter-in-law become a competition? But I feel like that's what it has become. And I hate that I've been sucked in. HATE feeling that I'd be disappointed if we're having another girl. That's a fucked up way to think. I know that really, just being me, I'd be happy if we were having another girl. Having two adorable little girls running around would be awesome. I'd like to have a son, too... even things out for Tomek and all... but if I wasn't associated with Tomek's family at all I'd be completely fine with whatever the gender is. But I've been pulled into this game.

And what really freaks me out is that it might just all be in my head.

But I don't think so.

Something always backfires

I have been doing most of the planning, organization, reservation crap for this "holiday" of ours because I know how overwhelmingly busy and stressful Tom's work is right now. He's been working a side-job after his regular workday which means he wasn't getting home till 10 or so at night. To save him more stress I've tried to keep all the trip stuff off his shoulders. But now that we are leaving in 4 days, he's freaking out because he has no idea what's going on with the trip.

I can't win.

The next holiday we take is definitely going to be JUST THE THREE OF US and we are going to go to some Mexican resort where we can just lay on the beach and actually relax. I can already feel that this holiday is going to be like the last one: crazy and stressful. At least we have our own car to drive around this time, and we won't be with family 100% of the time, so hopefully we will have time to go at our own pace and relax.

To make myself feel better, here's a list of the shit I have taken care of for this "holiday":

-plane tickets from Toronto to Poland
-car reservation while in Toronto (made 7 fake reservations with 7 different car rental places to find the cheapest one, then booked it)
-accommodation with family while in Toronto
-hotel reservation while in Toronto since my Oma is injured and we can't stay with her after all (again, fake reservations and lots of calling around to find prices). Found a hotel for $69 a night near the Toronto Int'l airport WITH a full kitchenette, perfect for prepping food for LB and ourselves since we don't want to be eating out all the time.
-Got LB her Canadian passport
-Got the post office to hold our mail while we are away
-Got my hair cut
-Asked around and figured out how to best take/get money over there
-called local taxi company to confirm that if we needed to take a cab we could install LB's car seat in their vehicle
-called LTU (airline we are flying with to Poland) numerous times to reserve seats ahead of time, find out our baggage allowance, and LB's allowance since she doesn't have her own seat.
-called WestJet (airline we are flying with to Toronto) numerous times to find out about baggage allowance, meals, LB's baggage allowance, going through security with food, formula, water, etc.
-matched up the baggage allowances from the 2 airlines to figure out how much we can take that will be allowed by both (one lets LB have a 50 lb bag the other only lets her have a stroller and car seat).
-helped Tom's mom with the Avis car reservation in Poland to see how Tom and I can pick up a car there even though it's in his mom's name. We might end up spending a day in Berlin...
-researched and got tour ideas for if/when we are spending a day in Berlin because we fly in in the morning and his parents fly in in the evening.
-Figured out what formula we can take with us on the plane (generally I make it at home, but can't do that while we are traveling) and what food LB will be likely to eat in Poland.
-Made a list of fun things to buy for LB to keep her entertained on the flights (have yet to buy any of it).
-Got LB cute white sandals to go with all her dresses, got me and Tom new running shoes (LONG overdue) for all the walking we'll be doing.
-Handled getting Tom a new complete suit because his old one doesn't fit
-Got a little harness for LB so she can run around like crazy in the airports and we'll be able to keep a hold on her (it is impossible to hold a one-year-old's sweaty little hand when they don't want it to be held)
-found and bought memory books to create a "birth to one year" album for all three sets of LB's great-grandparents
-sorted, picked out and got printed photos for albums
-bought a first aid kit for while we are traveling
-got a hair straightener for me (yay for boosted self-confidence and no frizzy hair!)
-made detailed (and probably still incomplete) lists of what we need to pack
-made a tentative itinerary for while we are in Toronto
-found out about permission to travel letter that we have to get notarized because LB will be going through customs with me while tom is in the EU line.

gatorade 'n' pizza pockets

So. A year ago right now I was in the throes of contractions, and 16 hours away from giving birth.

I seem to have stopped blogging and stopped taking photos. When did that all happen? I think it was when I got some news that might be news but might not be news and I've been trying to wrestle with whether it's good news or bad news. I don't want to talk to anyone about it yet. I'm trying to come to grips with all the what-ifs.

We are leaving for Toronto-then-Poland in 2 1/2 weeks. I'm dreading it. I had no idea how complicated it would be to travel with a child. Everyone says "Oh, you can take them everywhere." Bullshit. I mean, you can take them everywhere, but the amount of stuff that has to be planned out in advance and the amount of stuff that has to be taken along is mind-boggling. We didn't have enough money to buy 3 plane tickets so LB doesn't have her own seat on the 2 5-hour flights to and from Toronto and the 2 9-hour flights to and from Poland. She's 25 lbs now, and very active as every nearly 1-year-old (tomorrow!) should be. We are flying on 2 different airlines but of course neither will provide a meal for her (she's under 2 and doesn't have a seat anyway) even though she eats mostly everything we eat. Actually she out and out refuses to eat baby food now. And each airline has different baggage restrictions. One will let her have luggage, the other won't. But I've (after a ton of phoning around) figured out how much baggage plus stroller plus car seat we can bring. Yes, we are toting her car seat for use in the rental cars in Toronto and Poland, not for use on the planes. Even if we had gotten her a seat, we couldn't use our car seat on the flight to Poland because it's a German airline and they only allow German car seats. Of course. Then there's the whole food and formula deal. I make her formula myself, but of course I won't be doing that on the trip since we'll be moving around so much and each batch has to simmer for 6 hours. She doesn't seem to want to drink other formulas and I can't blame her, so then I considered milk, but then I remembered all the reasons I don't drink milk and scratched that idea pretty quick. So back to a commercial formula. She drinks less of this because the kind that she will drink she doesn't want to drink much of. But maybe that's good. Maybe this trip will slowly wean her off formula and get her more into eating solid foods. Her appetite is almost non-existent these days. It kind of scares me, even though she's as bouncy as ever.

And Tomek doesn't have the same passport as we do--we have Cdn he has Polish. I tried to apply for his through the mail but sent one wrong bit of ID because I couldn't send the other because he needed it to go down to Oregon with me. And now his work schedule is so crazy at his regular job, PLUS he's working a side job till 8 each night, so I don't even want to add anything more onto his plate, and certainly not standing in line for 4 hours to hand in a passport application. It's not really a big deal that we have different passports, it's just that when we went to Spain 2 years ago it was the same thing, and when we landed in the UK we were in different line-ups and they gave me a major hassle because I had no proof of where I was staying (with Tom's family, but they were in the other line) and no proof of money, etc. This time I'll have travelers cheques with us, but how am I supposed to split the cheque between the two of us? I guess since he's got an EU passport they'll be more lenient with him, so he'll need less proof. But still, standing in a customs line-up with LB and without Tomek is not something I'm looking forward to.

And we still haven't totally hashed out where we are going while we are there. I know we want it to be as low-key as possible, and I think that is going to be my main duty--making sure Tom's family and the trip doesn't stress him out and making sure that LB is having a good time and is not smothered and carted off by over-exhuberent relatives. Add to that I have this paranoid feeling that I may have been entered against my will into a who's the best daughter-in law competition and the dread I feel about this trip is pretty much complete. Mind you, I do have a kick-ass trump card: LB. She's the first great-granddaughter on Tom's mom's side, and Tom's dad is really excited to show LB off to all of his family and we may have that news that still might not be news.

And on that note LB is awake and crying whenever I turn away from her. Did I mention she's teething?

Quit

I lasted 1 day at that job. I worked 1 day last week. This week I was scheduled to work last night, but instead, I quit.

I'd like to think it was for purely practical reasons. But I think the real reason was that I just didn't feel emotionally strong enough to leave here 3 evenings a week. I'd leave at 10 p.m. so it wasn't like I'd be missing out on an entire day of LBness. I don't really understand me, myself. Tomek brought up the valid points that I could use that time to start something of my own, something that would eventually enable me to work from home. I had meant to do a lot of that during my entire maternity leave, but not a lot happened. He also said that he could make the same amount of money as I would be in a lot less time. He could make more than 3x/hr as much as I would have. And then there's the excuse that I need all my energy for planning our trip (WE LEAVE IN EXACTLY A MONTH OMG!!!). I know Tom's parents travel plans, and I already know we are not going to some cities they are going to, so sometimes we'll be with them and sometimes we won't. We are going to go to fewer places and spend less time in each place.

But what really hit home with me, and has stuck, was when I asked Tom if he'd feel resentment or any negative emotion toward me if I stopped working there, he said no, it would just mean he'd have to find more work. And he looked so tired. It about broke my heart. I feel guilty for leaving that job. But now I'm determined to actually carry out the plans I made for saving us money--saving us WAY more money than I'd have made working that job.

And this morning Tom called for me to read him a list of things that he needed to do because he'd left the list at home. I know it was just a small portion of things he tackles every day, but holy CRAP he does so much. Deals with so many different people, places and problems every day. I'm in awe of him. And so proud. *mwua*

dread

I just called the airline that we are flying with from Toronto to Germany with (we leave in 1 month 2 days!), because I'm starting to really regret my decision to not give LB her own seat. She is squirmy, she walks, how is she going to sit in either of our laps for NINE hours? I called to find out what our seat assignments were because I'd requested either bulkhead seats (front row in coach) or seats with an empty seat between in the hopes that it wouldn't be filled. We got neither. We have seats side by side, but at least they are both an aisle and a window seat, so there will be no one sitting right beside us. I don't know that I totally believe that they only have two seats on the end of the row, but maybe. I then asked if the flight was full, and it isn't. Then the guy dashed my hopes to smithereens by saying that they only accept German car seats on the flight. WTF. AND a seat for an infant costs the same amount as a seat for an adult (ie over $1000). Stupid POS airline. That's what I get for trying to fly with a cheap airline. If we'd flown with Air Canada or something they probably would have discount rates for infant seats AND we would have been able to use our car seat. Instead, we have to bring our car seat along all the way to Poland just to use it in the rental car. I'm not looking forward to this trip at ALL. I can't even begin to fathom everything I need to have and be prepared for to make the flights & everything else as easy on LB as possible.

Anyone have any tips?

Why bother

I'm feeling bitter. I spent the last couple of weeks here and there trying to put together a birthday picnic for Tom because he rarely gets to see his friends because he's so busy. We bought a lot of food and had to buy a cooler too, so we spent a fair amount of money that we couldn't really afford to spend, and now 2 people just cancelled and 2 others might not show... so only 4 people are going to arrive on time (one is an infant) and 2 might arrive later and 2 more will probably arrive late. We bought all this stuff for a bbq, I borrowed a bbq from one of the guys who is coming, and now hardly anyone is coming. And it's stressed Tom out to the point that he doesn't even want to have the stupid bbq anymore. So much for my good idea. It ended up being more trouble that it was worth, and it hasn't even started yet. (Did I mention how much cleaning I did?) Yes, I'm bitching about trying to do something nice for someone. I'm just not meant to entertain.

shpeaking of shit shtorms

This morning the baby monitor was on too low, so I don't know how long LB had been crying before I finally heard her. She was all blotchy and snotty and really upset. Then none of the bottle stuff was clean, so she sat on the floor and screamed while I washed it, adn then her formula wouldn't heat up enough so I kept having to stick it back in the microwave. I hate microwaves. So today she's all out of sorts and yelling at me every time I move, except now because I gave her a cold cloth and she's alternating dragging it across the floor and sucking on it. At least I vacuumed 2 days ago I guess.

Then the mailman buzzes me and says he has a letter requiring a signature and I'm thinking yes! Tom's passport documents have arrived back, which means his passport will be here any day which means we ALL have our Cdn passports now. But no. I fucked up on his application and send the wrong proof of Cdn citizenship. It took 2 months for them to reject his application and now we leave in less than 2 months. He has a PL passport so he can still go, but I wanted him to have a cdn one because 2 years ago when we went to Spain I was the only one with a Cdn one and so we were in different customs lines going into the UK and they almost didn't let me in. I want us all in the same line. It will just make things go smoother. So now he has to take a day off work to put in his application in person (I mailed them the first time because the line ups at the ppt offices were like 5 hours long and there is no way I can stand in that with LB) in the hopes we can get it back in time.

I rescheduled an interview for tomorrow and asked the guy what the part-time night shifts were and he still said 10-6 which I can't do... then he said he'd answer all my questions when we met. Well I don't WANT to waste my time with the stress of an interview if they CAN"T give me the hours I can only do. So now I have to stress out like crazy again tomorrow.

2 1/2 months w/o ghost? I can't bare to think of it. But I guess if shit comes in threes i'm done for the day.

Update: Bitch and ye shall receive

A friend of mine who's a flight attendant just left me a message that she is a) in town! and b) in the area and would I like to go for lunch. I called her back and she was still in the area so she's stopping by and we are going for lunch. Yay! Some sanity and normalcy. As long as LB doesn't turn into a devil child.

Isn't

I dont know what it is. Each day I'm so exhausted, and I just want to sleep. At night, LB goes to bed, Tom crashes out, and as soon as I lie down in bed, I'm WIDE awake. It's not fair. So here I sit, eating warm potato salad even though the sauce refuses to soak into the potatoes. And there's onions. Not a smart late night snack, but there's nothing else.

Today I was supposed to have my interview. I was stressing to the point of near-anxiety attack this afternoon (my interview was at 7 p.m.) and then doubly so when it turned out Tom left work late. I didn't have time to shower, the shirt I wore wasn't clean, but I did wash and (gasp) blow-dry my hair by giving LB a bunch of bottles and other safe-ish bathroom stuff to play with while I dried. I know I shouldn't say that's how I dried my hair, but it is. To do anything, the first step is to occupy the Bean. Then do whatever you were planning on doing if the entertainment is successful.

On to the "supposed to" part of my interview. I drove the 8 minute drive down the hill to the store. I left 1/2 hour early. The only till open was the customer service till. I waited in line with the other customers to tell the lady I was there to see Charles. I didn't have a watch, but I waited and waited and sweated and shivered, and finally cut over and told the girl that was waiting to take over as the cashier in that line that I was there for an interview with Charles. She blinked. He wasn't there. He left early because he came in early.

Don't people use agendas? You'd think if anyone, HE would. But no. So I'm supposed to go back on Thursday. But I'm going to call him tomorrow and be cheeky and ask first if I would be able to get the hours I know I can work (around Tom's work and LB). If not, fuck 'em.

Sigh.

To unwind from that, Tom, LB and I walked around Ikea for an hour. LB did a LOT of walking. Wow. At one point she must have taken over 50 steps in a row ON HER OWN. She was motoring. I saw a kid there with his mom and sister.... and the only way I can think of to describe him was Quasimodo. That sounds horrible, I know. But my chest ached when I saw him. He was hunchbacked and his face was all stretched wrong... and he was maybe 13. Of course LB made a bee-line for him with a death grip on my finger. I almost wished she'd have gone up to him and given him the big smile she gives random strangers. But she veered around at the last second and kept on going. I saw him wander a bit from his mom to look at some picture on a wall, but there must have been an invisible line or maybe suddenly there were too many people around because he bleated "maa!" and scurried back to his mom to link his arm through hers. The poor kid. I hope he has friends.

Once we got back from Ikea, my SIL IMed us and she and Tom talked for a while. She's working 2 jobs, seven days a week and is making way more/hour than I ever have. And she's only been in this country for a year. From Russia. It just makes me feel so lame, and untalented, and useless.

And one of my younger cousins just emailed me, we haven't talked in 6 or so years. She just graduated from UofT with honours, and is a dancer--ballet, modern, fast sexy stuff.

I know I have LB and she is the most important part of my life and my biggest responsibility. She's a job in herself. But it's still hard to see all these people working, so organized... and my life looks like a shit storm. And I feel like a big ball of frump.

graduation

My middle brother, D, has graduated from high school. Not just any high school. This high school. The high school that I decided I didn't want to graduate from after my parents had moved to the area from Ontario. Since it's a boarding school, graduation is a BIG deal, with family of grads and students flying in from all over the world. The festivities and events (prom, commencement, etc.) last all weekend. I haven't gone to these events since my last year there, in '99. So many of my friends are alumni, and while the school did extend it's meaning of Alumni Weekend (which happens in the fall) to include any who ever attended the school, I will never feel like an alumnus.

My brother accomplished what I did not. That's not to say I couldn't have. I probably could have, if I'd really wanted it. But I didn't. All I was interested in was reading, writing, and playing basketball, softball and volleyball. I had no idea where I wanted to go after, and no interest in trying to figure it out. I wanted a boyfriend, a partner, someone who I could go with on the next stage of my life, so I'd never be alone.

Now I'll return. With a family of my own. A husband, a daughter, rings on my finger.

But no bells on my toes. What will I say when people from those years ask what I'm doing now? Will I exaggerate and say "oh I work for a marketing company in Vancouver"... and lead them to believe I work in marketing when really I do odd office work for this and that department? A job I do not particularly like and probably will not be returning to?

Graduation of any kind fills many people with the sense that the great part of their life is just around the corner. Some of them blast their way around that corner, blowing away all the obstacles and accomplishing their dreams. Others, like me, stall out and fumble around, waiting for companionship, waiting for a sense of belonging... while their dreams lie in dust.

Time to pick them up, brush them off, and see what they've got.

Back home but almost wish I wasn't

I'm stressed out beyond belief. We need a new car seat for LB. Who would have thought it was such a difficult decision to make? There are so many options, ratings, opinions... I'm just spinning. Plus we have a gift card that is good at one store, but that store doesn't carry the car seat that I'm leaning towards (the Evenflo Triumph). And I'm pretty sure LB is 1 pound heavier than she should be for her current car seat so I need to buy one TODAY. So do I fork out the money for the car seat at another store, or do more research into the seats that the gift card could pay for? I'm tempted to just pay for the seat... although finding it around here will be a good trick. It's available online, but not in any stores I've looked at so far.

And this weekend we were supposed to drive down to Oregon for my brother D's high school graduation. It's a boarding school, so it's a weekend-long event. Tom just remembered yesterday that he has training on Friday and Saturday when we were supposed to leave Friday night. He doesn't know if he can get out of the training on Saturday, and doesn't seem to realize how much pressure this is putting on me. I CANNOT drive to Oregon by myself with LB. If I did I'd either have to drive through the night so she'd sleep, but then I'd be totally sleep-deprived and how safely would I really be driving? Or drive during the day and listen to her scream for 6 hours. My mom is going down on Wednesday so I might drive down with her. But then I have to live with LB in a hotel for 6 days (expensive) and figure out how I'm going to heat her food... I wouldn't be able to make the formula I make at home because I wouldn't have a stove.... or we can just drive down Saturday night, stay for part of the day Sunday, see commencement and then come back home Sunday night. We'd be driving more than visiting.

LB's yelling into the carpet. I think she's tired.