He's a dream

grind

involuntarily
i bite my lower lip
and know you are watching
though my eyes are closed

Scrumptious

The attempt:
Success:

This will always make me smile

and the dr. said...

Everything looks good. She saw a foot poke out while measuring the heartbeat, but I was too slow to see it. I'm glad baby is kicking so much these days, it's reassuring after that little hospital trip. Dr. also said that my being slender will help them during the c-section because they can see what they are doing and where they are going more easily than if I were more "fleshy".

We also talked about the possibility of them cutting into the placenta when making the incision. How many people just closed the window? She said there's a chance of it, and then there will be blood... but they'll get the baby out and scoop the placenta out quickly and then the bleeding should stop. I dunno. I've seen pictures of messy births (very bad idea. do not attempt), and seeing a newborn covered in blood is one of the most haunting and traumatic images imaginable. I was in the bookstore flipping through preggo books at the time and I started crying right there. LB came out clean, so I hope for the same for this one, though I doubt it. I'm just going to have ear plugs so I can't hear them talking about what they are doing, and I'm going to keep my eyes closed until Tomek gives me some physical signal that everything's cleaned up. Wimp, much?

I have an ultrasound in a week and a half, and in addition to checking where my placenta is, they are also going to be able to check the length of my cervix and if it looks short at all then we'll have that heads up that maybe the c-section should be earlier.

I'm weighing in at 147 lbs now... so I've gained 32 so far. Not too bad.

LB's really talking up a storm now. All day long, she says "weez?" or "wee-zee?" meaning "what's this?". It's adorable. Although in the case of Mr. Suess characters, sometimes I'm at a loss for what to say, so they all become "a-moo-moos". She loves to go through her books and point out all the "ma-NA-NAs" and "BEEs" and "SHUNs" and "AApoos".
Sigh. It's so odd how some days I can't wait for her to go down for her nap so I can have some "me" time, and then I just end up writing about her, or looking at photos and videos I've taken of her, or calling Tomek to tell him the new words she's been saying.

is this where the unconditional love ends?

I think LB has figured out something is different with me. That, and I think she's at a stage where she's jealous of Tomek giving me more attention that he's giving her. Either way, tonight she gave me attitude. Real attitude. As in, taking swipes at me with her chubby little hands. I don't hit back. I don't see myself ever hitting any child of ours, or spanking them, ever. Ever EVER. The first time she gave me a slap, I think it was after I asked her not to do something... well, she slapped at me and then ran to Daddy. He told her repeatedly not to hit me and to give me a kiss. Which she finally did. But the second time, later in the evening, she wasn't coming near me for anything. When I put her in my lap facing me to see what was up, she started crying like I was hurting her and reached for her Daddy. He told her to give me a kiss and she, sobbing, said "nooo!!" and almost fell off me in her desperate attempt to get away from me and into his arms.

What the hell.

She did come to give me kisses later.... maybe she was just feeding off the crappy way I was feeling tonight, just drained and blah and not particularly responsive to anything. I know it's bothering her that she comes to me and reaches up, saying "up" and I can't lift her, so mostly I don't. That makes her cry. I think I mentioned that in my last post. Well, it bugs me.

Just like all the thoughts of a needle in my spine, scalpel through my belly, drugs to make me groggy, numb, puke, sick, the possibility of a whole lot of my blood being spilled, having to look at my stapled tummy afterward, not being able to give LB all the attention I can now as she is our only child... just like they all bug me.

It feels like I cried all day

It feels like it must be the worst feeling in the world--on par with losing someone I love. He's not lost to me, yet part of him is. He's miserable, unhappy, stressed out, and despite loving him so much, loving him so much more completely than I thought it possible to love another person, I can't help him. In little ways, I've tried. Warm meals, hugs, kisses, bathing LB (which is not always a pleasant task when exhausted in the evening), trying to keep stress from everything else off his shoulders (Christmas prep, figuring out what to get who, paying bills)... nothing is enough. I love him so much, yet I can't do anything to make a lasting happy impression on him. Some evenings we have the time and energy to play a bit of Trivial Pursuit or do a crossword... but there's just always so much else baring down on us, and I don't know how we're supposed to deal with it all. I never thought life could be so convoluted, so messy, so overwhelming all the time. I feel like a lousy mom, a lousy wife, because I can't keep the mess straight. I'm home all day. I should be able to do it. But I can't.

It hurts so badly to know that my love isn't enough to make it all right.

The sweetest kiss

LB will kiss us, our legs, our arms... but not our faces. Until recently. I asked her for a kiss, and she came up to me and put her face right up to mine, waiting for me to kiss her lips. It's too sweet. But today, the kiss was even sweeter, because she kissed her little brother (aka my belly).

a restless longing

I thought I was feeling disgruntled. The dictionary led me to discontent. A restless longing for better circumstances.

Detached.

What an odd-looking word.

I feel like I've cut myself off from someone I should be close to. I just don't have the energy to think, to create, to try. Marriage should never ever be left on autopilot. Ever.

But I think that's where ours stands right now. The love is there, but there's a connection that's gone slack. Maybe the I-lost-track-of-how-many-weeks-of complete lack of intimacy of any kind is slowly taking it's toll on us. Sometimes when there's no energy left at the end of a day, the heat that grows in a shared bed creates it's own... and love moves us in it's own rhythm, strengthening... something.

Also, we are just both doing our own thing. He's working, stressing, completely overwhelmed with not much time for anything else, not much time to think of anything else. I know it's temporary, I know it won't last.

I know my life isn't hard. But I envy him in his busyness. My life is probably too simple. I'm raising LB. I cook, occasionally. I'm growing another LB. I do laundry, dishes, dusting, vacuuming. Nothing to challenging or physically or mentally demanding. But the repetition of being home each day is starting to mess with me. Going out to get groceries isn't enough of an escape anymore.

My heartstrings feel like tightrope wires.

I wish he'd hugged me yesterday.

aa

No, I’m not an alcoholic. The aa I’m talking about was what happened to me this morning, and which I think I can safely refer to as an anxiety attack. Tomek’s alarm went off at 5:15. Why, I don’t know. But it woke me up, and instantly my mind was whirring. Today was the day I would have his parents over from 10 a.m. till who knows how long, because I needed to borrow their van to drive myself to my doctor’s appointment and I needed them to take care of LB while I went. I knew they’d be playing with LB, but I also knew that she’d need a 1 ½ hour nap after I got back from my appointment, and I didn’t know how I’d keep a conversation with them for that long, what I’d give them for lunch… how to entertain them, basically. I so badly wanted to cancel my dr. appointment and tell his parents that the appointment was cancelled but if they wanted to come over later in the afternoon after LB’s nap that was fine.

I couldn’t fall back asleep. And on top of feeling all panicky, I started feeling angry because I was awake and Tomek was sleeping, even though it was his alarm that went off. So at 5:45 I got up and started noisily unloading the dishwasher and washing the few dishes left from the previous night, in preparation for his parents’ arrival. I didn’t want to leave any dishes that his mom might decide to do while I was gone. Tomek asked me why I was so pissed off so I told him how I was feeling—dreading the visit, wanting to cancel the dr. appointment, etc. His reply was It’s not a tragedy.

I clammed up, finished with the dishes and went back to bed, where I cried. And cried. After about 10 minutes, he came in and softly asked me why I was crying. He laid down beside me… and I think he wanted to understand. Or at least wanted to help.

To you, it’s nothing. To me, it’s too much.

We probably won’t ever fully understand each other. Again, it all comes down to love. You loved me enough despite my emotional swings to comfort me, kiss me, hug me, even if I seemed non-responsive at the time, even if I seemed too wrapped up in dreading the morning to come.

Before he left for work, he knelt beside the bed where I was finally drifting back to sleep, rested his head on mine and said It's going to be ok, you'll see. Telling me it would be ok, even though he probably didn't think there was anything for me to worry about, well, that combined with near sleep helped me turn a corner and realize the day couldn't possibly be as horrible as it seemed it would be at 5:15 am.

The dr. appointment went well. Triple screen came back normal, my iron and rubella levels are good, and I’ve gained 7 lbs. Finally. Baby’s heartbeat was a healthy 143 bmp, my uterus measures approx. 24 cm which is right on for how far along I am.

When she was getting the heartbeat, it sounded like it had an extra thump to it, but it turns out we were hearing the baby’s heartbeat and my placenta. Wild.

(And the visit with the in-laws was fine, too.)

a better day

Today was a day to suck it up and realize life goes on. It's not worth spending energy showing how angry I am. He knows I was mad and upset. He had his reasons for doing what he did and I had my reasons for feeling as I felt. Everything's leveled out again--I know I am not, perhaps never will be, completely understood. Maybe that comes from my inability to effectively explain myself, my feelings. Maybe it comes from his inability to duplicate what I'm saying, be it a language barrier or because we come from two completely different walks of life, or simply because I'm a woman and he's a man. Whatever the reason, what's done is done, and at the end of the day, if the love is still there, that's what matters.

shards

It's been a hard day, but no one asks.
I understand.
We went to the park twice today, this is important.
She hasn't cried all day, and our home is tidier.
I haven't cried either.
I vacuumed.

Some days I cry. Like now.
Some days I'm just so alone.
Even friends visiting can't fill that certain void.
The one that fills when you unlock the door.
No matter the precious, countless moments I share with our daughter,
Nothing compares to you walking through the door.

And I know, I know it doesn't mean that much to you
Tired, dirty, hungry, stressed
I'm just a constant.
I try to listen, to care, to take the little one away so you can
accomplish things.
Things that would, we always hope, take a bit of that stress
away.

Motherhood is a very, very lonely place sometimes.

Who's that girl?

when moments make memories

Last night I snuggled into bed between freshly washed sheets while the sounds of Tomek prepping for tomorrow's workday faded around me. Through that veil of sleep that closes in so smoothly, so wonderfully some nights, I felt his soft lips brush my shoulder blade where the blankets had slipped down. Once, twice, three times, maybe more. A whispered good night sweetie and the warm weight of love, of home, of all that is familiar settled in beside me. Warmth gently pressed against my back. A relaxed exhale, more whispered words, fading quickly as I sank down, down... I love sleeping next to you at night

yeah, i'm a hopeless romantic

So I was going back through poetry journals I'd kept for a few years--poetry's been on my mind more and more lately, especially after discovering this medium through a site I found via StumbleUpon. I've long wanted to effectively mesh my poetry with photos I've taken. I can feel myself getting back into the head space where I actually could be creative to the point of creating something I'd be proud of.

Like this poem, I wrote back at the end of January 2004, 9 days after meeting Tomek:

you asked me
"where have you been all this time?"
i smiled, blushed and didn't know
but skin touches melted fear
one look untied a heart of knots
you smiled,
i found a part of me long lost
and then i knew--

you asked me where i've been all this time
i've been searching for you

Should re-reading my own old poetry have this much effect on me? I don't know. But I read that again and again and the power of the emotions I felt upon first meeting Tomek come flooding back. My feelings are just as strong now, if not stronger, but back then, it was all so raw.

I love you

It's hard to put into words the overwhelming crush of love, passion, adoration, devotion and admiration I feel for you. I love you seems like a weak phrase compared to all this. But it will have to do. I love you as I've never loved anyone else. I love you through everything. And I wish my love was enough to make you as delighted with life, as at peace, as you looked at this moment:

My happiness

Dreams that leave me aching

The past three nights in a row I've had the same kind of dream. The people and locations are always different but how I feel in the dream and when I wake up is always the same. In my dream, I develop a crush on someone, the feelings are somewhat returned, as much as anyone can ever tell, a bit of a romance blossoms but there's always some reason why they can't out and out be in a relationship with me. Tuesday night the guy was going to be going away and another girl was going to be there and she would be offering him blow jobs and there was nothing he could do to prevent himself from receiving said 'jobs. Wednesday night the guy had agreed to meet up with another girl in a few days time and see if they would hit it off. So I was basically second in line both times.

Each dream had and left me feeling that empty kind of ache when you really want affection to be returned, and it isn't. But this morning was different. This morning Tom was still home when I got up with LB (she went to sleep at 9:30 last night and got up at 8!!). I didn't see him at all really last night because he was cleaning out his car till 2:30 a.m. Tonight and tomorrow night he'll be working a side job. So this morning I held onto the few moments I saw him too hard. When he left I nearly cried. He's the man I love, the man I chose, the man I choose every day. And I want him here with me.