boo f'n' hoo

I need cheese. And gingerale. The ultimate comfort combination when I'm feeling sorry for myself. And I am. Do I have any good reason to? Probably not. I don't work. I get to stay with my kids all day every day. This was no big deal when there was only LB. But combine LB and LG and... bam. Pity post.

Lately LG has been spitting up a lot of his feeds. And the boy's got range. in one hurl he can hit me or Tomek and the floor and rebound some of it back all over himself. This happened repeatedly last night. We need to get our carpets cleaned. I don't even know if we own carpet cleaner. So I end up just scrubbing at it with a warm wet cloth and spritzing some windex on it.

I dread the moments when they both need me, no, demand me at the same time. Like yesterday evening. Tomek was working late, LB was having a nap on the couch (she fell asleep on my lap which never happens), and then LG woke up screaming to be fed. I was changing his diaper fast as he screamed, which woke LB up and I don't know if she had a bad dream or was just disoriented or what, but she came in demanding that I pick her up. I listened to both of them scream while I finished his diaper, then picked her up because, frankly, she's louder.

I soothed her with some juice, and then plunked her on the couch with some fishie crackers and turned Madeline on. Then I handled screaming baby #2... who ate and then spat most of it up all over me and himself. Of course this time he didn't hit the floor because we were standing on linolium which is easy to clean.

Today is Saturday... on top of Tomek working till 9:30 last night, he's working all day today. I shouldn't complain. After all, he's working, not me. I should be working, too, I suppose, but we want to avoid paying childcare for as long as possible and quite frankly I'm not comfortable with the idea of my mil taking care of LB and LG each day as I work. She took care of LB for 6 days while I was in the hospital and... I just didn't want to ask. I know she's raised 2 kids, but I also know that a lot of her ideas about how to do things are very different from mine. Some I'm ambivalent about and others I just flat out disagree with. Like eating cake every day. Back to the subject of Tomek's work... I don't blame him for it, I'm not annoyed or angry with him about it. It just really builds up and then I find myself almost becoming the mom I swore I'd never be: the one who hands the kids off and runs out the door the moment her husband comes home.

UGH.

And, next weekend is Easter. Normally I'd just say yay, 4 days with Tomek home. But we won't be home... well actually we probably will be for most of it, but that will all be prepping for going to his parents house for Easter. My bil and sil are coming into town for it. This is the only long weekend for a while, and I'm bummed that I didn't see it coming quickly enough to see about visiting my family. Long weekends are the only time we can drive out there, especially with--my mac and cheese just boiled over. FUCK--winter driving conditions. Last year we spent Easter weekend with his family, so I should have thought ahead about the whole alternating thing. So I guess NEXT year maybe we'll be able to go to my parents for Easter. But even that feels kind of weird because my parents don't celebrate the religious Easter and my in-laws do. Why do I feel guilty for the idea of taking Tomek away from one of his family celebrations. We could still do the egg colouring and scratching and all that at my parents. But I know it wouldn't be the same. It will never be the same. My family isn't the sit around a table, eat drink and talk for hours kind of family.

And since I'm not nursing LG, the baby weight isn't coming off as easily as it did with LB. On the plus side, I didn't put on nearly as much weight with him as I did with her. But there's still 5-10 lbs hanging around my middle. And that's making it difficult to find a nice outfit for Easter in my closet.

Wah.

I'm already feeling tense about Easter. The time before the actual get-together with his family is always worse than the event itself. I hope that trend continues this time. Probably will still have to listen to everyone asking the bil and sil when they are going to have kids. Pushing, nagging, teasing. It's f'n' annoying.

Now I'm going to gorge myself on 3 cheese mac and cheese.