simmering on low

I'm debating whether or not to tear one of my bros a new somethin' or other.

It's been a long time coming. A combo of both brothers acting selfishly over and over again, not seeing how they could make things easier for or show their thanks to people around them.

But then I wonder if it's just ME being selfish and wanting to feel appreciated and like something I did for them meant something to them. But maybe I did it for me, because by doing something for someone else I feel good. So is it all selfishness in the end?

I don't know.

I've been searching and researching to find a good and relatively inexpensive digital camera to get my bro S for his birthday. Lots and lots of research and searching... and some frustration. Then, today, I posted on LB&LG's blog (let me know if you want the addy... I don't link to it directly from here because it's more of a family blog) photos from S's grad festivities, including ONE photo that I took of him and his Prom date, and told him the photos were up. He emailed me and said, "Aw F*CK NO".... followed by links to DIFFERENT shots of him and his date, shots that were professionally taken... by my other brother. Haha.

I feel MORE than miffed that he's so offended by the photo I took of him and her. That he thinks its SO bad that he wants me to take it off the blog. As of yet, I haven't replied to the email OR taken the photo down.

I was very close to emailing him back my own version of an email filled with all caps swear words... and I still might.

I don't know.

What I do know is that tzatziki and tea do NOT go well together in my tummy. Urgh.

bite me

is it or isn't it

The grandson. The first grandson. The first grandson of the first son of the only son, to take it back a few generations. That's what everyone seems to be waiting for. It's up to either Tomek or his brother to have a son who will carry on their family name.

It might be all in my head but I feel like it's turned into a competition. On three separate occasions now I've heard that my SIL things my in-laws like me better because I gave them a grand-daughter. And I heard little things in Poland that make me think she's hoping to have a son. THE son. The son that will make them so proud. The son that will carry on the family name. Last time we were visiting Tomek's parents, that thing about my SIL came up, and his dad (who, I know, was drunk at the time) mentioned "waiting" for a grandson.

It wouldn't be a big deal. It wouldn't be eating me up inside like this. I think Tomek thinks I'm silly for fixating on it. And really, it's my own damn fault. I let myself get drawn into the game, into the "competition" of having the first grandson. By now the gender is decided. I badly want to know if I'm having the long-awaited son. If I'm not, I know I won't want to tell his family it's not a son. It's so DAMN stupid. But I have this feeling that my SIL is really REALLY hoping I won't have a son. And that seems kind of warped. Or maybe it's just warped of me to think that she thinks that. Part of me wants to come straight out and ask her about it, ask her if this whole "they like me more" idea she has is true. Because, really, who cares? They are in-laws. Since when did being a daughter-in-law become a competition? But I feel like that's what it has become. And I hate that I've been sucked in. HATE feeling that I'd be disappointed if we're having another girl. That's a fucked up way to think. I know that really, just being me, I'd be happy if we were having another girl. Having two adorable little girls running around would be awesome. I'd like to have a son, too... even things out for Tomek and all... but if I wasn't associated with Tomek's family at all I'd be completely fine with whatever the gender is. But I've been pulled into this game.

And what really freaks me out is that it might just all be in my head.

But I don't think so.

boo fucking hoo

I wish someone--anyone--would look at my face, see how shitty I'm feeling, and hug me till I smile, or cry, if I need to.

My little yaya

Me: Can you say "hi"?
LB: Aye
Me: Can you say "bye"?
LB: Baee
Me: Can you give me a kiss?
LB: *makes smacky kissy noise*
Me: Can you say "Lily"?
LB: Yaya

I take what I can get. :) Kids are such an incredible treasure. I just wish fatigue didn't get in the way of enjoying them. I hate it when I see parents that are all wiped out and cranky at the park with their kids. I wonder how I look. I didn't even take LB to the park today. I've been having tummy troubles and decided to stick close to home today to avoid any unpleasantness. Although, I do have to leave in 1 1/2 hours to pick up D from the airport. He didn't sleep at all last night and his flight was three flights, he left Louisiana somewhere and then switched planes in Colorado and Las Vegas. But he's almost here.

I had a huge rant last night. Sigh. Poor Tomek. Looking forward to a relaxing chat in bed before sleep and the wife goes off waaa waaa waa waaa WAAAA. :( I stink sometimes.

Why bother

I'm feeling bitter. I spent the last couple of weeks here and there trying to put together a birthday picnic for Tom because he rarely gets to see his friends because he's so busy. We bought a lot of food and had to buy a cooler too, so we spent a fair amount of money that we couldn't really afford to spend, and now 2 people just cancelled and 2 others might not show... so only 4 people are going to arrive on time (one is an infant) and 2 might arrive later and 2 more will probably arrive late. We bought all this stuff for a bbq, I borrowed a bbq from one of the guys who is coming, and now hardly anyone is coming. And it's stressed Tom out to the point that he doesn't even want to have the stupid bbq anymore. So much for my good idea. It ended up being more trouble that it was worth, and it hasn't even started yet. (Did I mention how much cleaning I did?) Yes, I'm bitching about trying to do something nice for someone. I'm just not meant to entertain.

Yeah, that sounds like something I'd do

So I bought a blank card with some nice Impressionistic (I think) art on the front. I bought this card to write a nice thank you note to the president of the company I used to work for. I just thought up a really nice short note to write on it:

I am sure by now you are back from your trip and A***** has let you know I won't be returning to work at S*****.

It was my intent to tell you in person, and also to thank you for employing me these past couple of years. I enjoyed the challenges that came with the work I was given, as well as the friendships I made.

I wish you and your company all the best in your future endeavours.

Sincerely,
Me

So I carefully penned this note out in the card in nice cursive without making any mistakes. I signed my name and closed the card to take another look at the art work on the front. And the stupid card is vertical. Of COURSE I wrote the note in it horizontally.

Sigh.

So now the card is going to be super-late because I have to buy another one. And I don't feel like going out right now to do that. We are driving to K-town this weekend to spend the weekend with my parents and celebrate Tom's 30th birthday (pop over and wish him a happy b-day, if you'd like). My main gift to him is over there, so he won't get it till tomorrow. He's going to love it. :)

Oh, and the night-shift stocker position I applied for a week ago... I got it. I start Tuesday. I have an 8 hour shift (training + work) 8 p.m. till 4 a.m. Fun times.

Hehe.

Hey, what's your job? Me? I'm a stalker.

shpeaking of shit shtorms

This morning the baby monitor was on too low, so I don't know how long LB had been crying before I finally heard her. She was all blotchy and snotty and really upset. Then none of the bottle stuff was clean, so she sat on the floor and screamed while I washed it, adn then her formula wouldn't heat up enough so I kept having to stick it back in the microwave. I hate microwaves. So today she's all out of sorts and yelling at me every time I move, except now because I gave her a cold cloth and she's alternating dragging it across the floor and sucking on it. At least I vacuumed 2 days ago I guess.

Then the mailman buzzes me and says he has a letter requiring a signature and I'm thinking yes! Tom's passport documents have arrived back, which means his passport will be here any day which means we ALL have our Cdn passports now. But no. I fucked up on his application and send the wrong proof of Cdn citizenship. It took 2 months for them to reject his application and now we leave in less than 2 months. He has a PL passport so he can still go, but I wanted him to have a cdn one because 2 years ago when we went to Spain I was the only one with a Cdn one and so we were in different customs lines going into the UK and they almost didn't let me in. I want us all in the same line. It will just make things go smoother. So now he has to take a day off work to put in his application in person (I mailed them the first time because the line ups at the ppt offices were like 5 hours long and there is no way I can stand in that with LB) in the hopes we can get it back in time.

I rescheduled an interview for tomorrow and asked the guy what the part-time night shifts were and he still said 10-6 which I can't do... then he said he'd answer all my questions when we met. Well I don't WANT to waste my time with the stress of an interview if they CAN"T give me the hours I can only do. So now I have to stress out like crazy again tomorrow.

2 1/2 months w/o ghost? I can't bare to think of it. But I guess if shit comes in threes i'm done for the day.

Update: Bitch and ye shall receive

A friend of mine who's a flight attendant just left me a message that she is a) in town! and b) in the area and would I like to go for lunch. I called her back and she was still in the area so she's stopping by and we are going for lunch. Yay! Some sanity and normalcy. As long as LB doesn't turn into a devil child.

Isn't

I dont know what it is. Each day I'm so exhausted, and I just want to sleep. At night, LB goes to bed, Tom crashes out, and as soon as I lie down in bed, I'm WIDE awake. It's not fair. So here I sit, eating warm potato salad even though the sauce refuses to soak into the potatoes. And there's onions. Not a smart late night snack, but there's nothing else.

Today I was supposed to have my interview. I was stressing to the point of near-anxiety attack this afternoon (my interview was at 7 p.m.) and then doubly so when it turned out Tom left work late. I didn't have time to shower, the shirt I wore wasn't clean, but I did wash and (gasp) blow-dry my hair by giving LB a bunch of bottles and other safe-ish bathroom stuff to play with while I dried. I know I shouldn't say that's how I dried my hair, but it is. To do anything, the first step is to occupy the Bean. Then do whatever you were planning on doing if the entertainment is successful.

On to the "supposed to" part of my interview. I drove the 8 minute drive down the hill to the store. I left 1/2 hour early. The only till open was the customer service till. I waited in line with the other customers to tell the lady I was there to see Charles. I didn't have a watch, but I waited and waited and sweated and shivered, and finally cut over and told the girl that was waiting to take over as the cashier in that line that I was there for an interview with Charles. She blinked. He wasn't there. He left early because he came in early.

Don't people use agendas? You'd think if anyone, HE would. But no. So I'm supposed to go back on Thursday. But I'm going to call him tomorrow and be cheeky and ask first if I would be able to get the hours I know I can work (around Tom's work and LB). If not, fuck 'em.

Sigh.

To unwind from that, Tom, LB and I walked around Ikea for an hour. LB did a LOT of walking. Wow. At one point she must have taken over 50 steps in a row ON HER OWN. She was motoring. I saw a kid there with his mom and sister.... and the only way I can think of to describe him was Quasimodo. That sounds horrible, I know. But my chest ached when I saw him. He was hunchbacked and his face was all stretched wrong... and he was maybe 13. Of course LB made a bee-line for him with a death grip on my finger. I almost wished she'd have gone up to him and given him the big smile she gives random strangers. But she veered around at the last second and kept on going. I saw him wander a bit from his mom to look at some picture on a wall, but there must have been an invisible line or maybe suddenly there were too many people around because he bleated "maa!" and scurried back to his mom to link his arm through hers. The poor kid. I hope he has friends.

Once we got back from Ikea, my SIL IMed us and she and Tom talked for a while. She's working 2 jobs, seven days a week and is making way more/hour than I ever have. And she's only been in this country for a year. From Russia. It just makes me feel so lame, and untalented, and useless.

And one of my younger cousins just emailed me, we haven't talked in 6 or so years. She just graduated from UofT with honours, and is a dancer--ballet, modern, fast sexy stuff.

I know I have LB and she is the most important part of my life and my biggest responsibility. She's a job in herself. But it's still hard to see all these people working, so organized... and my life looks like a shit storm. And I feel like a big ball of frump.

frick

I tried to bleach the hair above my mouth... I got gentler stuff than the stuff I used last time, and I did the test on the inside of my elbow with no reaction AND I only left it on for 1/4 of the time it suggested. It didn't work, and it BURNED me. Now half of the part above my upper lip is all red and ouchy. dammit.