moving along

These past few days have been fairly productive for me. I moved both kids into cloth diapers, set up a clothes line on our balcony and finally finished reupholstering our dining room chairs.

Before (ugh):



And, after:

My main reason for moving the kids to cloth diapers, well, LB really, was because potty training is going NOWHERE. She refuses to sit on her potty, she'll start crying if we plunk her down on it. So, I want her to get the feeling of what peeing her pants really feels like. It's kinda frightening how absorbent disposable diapers are, even though they are so convenient, especially for going out with the kiddies. Buying LB 3 pull-ups cloth diapers cost the same as 128 disposable (non-pull-ups) diapers for her. I know it pays off in the long run... but to get started, especially now with $ stuff being what it is, well it's tricky.

I'd like to get a part-time job, at least, I think I'd like to. I'd probably hate it once I started, because it would have to be an evening/weekend job.
But with Tom's work schedule now, he's often not home till 6:30 or 7 p.m. I really don't think it's going to work right now for us both to have jobs, especially since I'd like one of us to be with the kids, not just leave them with someone else. Not right now.

So since I'm not making any money (sale of random stuff pending) I'm trying to find ways to save money.

1. After today, Tom and I are going to somehow make his lunch for the next day each evening.

2. I'm researching what we can buy at Costco to justify the $50/year membership.

3. Selling a ton of pre-pregnancy clothes at a consignment store, and other random stuff via craigslist.

4. Buying clothes needed only at consignment stores (or Salvation Army or Value Village), especially for the kids, since they grow out of clothes so quickly anyway.

5. Buying bread at local bakery (comparable price and much healthier).

6. Buying fruit and veggies from weekly Farmers' Market. Meat, fish and bread also available. LB and I checked one out on Sunday morning. I think we'll make it a weekly thing.

7. I'd like to get rid of my cell phone but since I'm locked into a contract, I'm going to stick it out and just use it as little as possible. Will be using Skype more often. $35/year gets you unlimited calls to anywhere in North America. Since my parents are a long-distance call, as is my Oma this will come in handy. Especially since I only have 100 daytime minutes/month (unlimited incoming calls). Stupid cell phones. With the $35/year I'll be able to call my bro in the UK for 2.95 c/minute. Sweet.

8. NOT buying a 2nd vehicle for Tom right now. He thought he'd be getting a work vehicle at the end of the month, but now he might not be. I feel like I need my car to be able to take the kids different places other than just where we (LB) can walk. But maybe we can just make a point of having evening outings, even if it's just me and LB going somewhere. A girl I know is selling a deisel VW Jetta that's a year newer than mine... and I'm sorely tempted to buy it and sell mine, but... I love my car. And we're the only owners... and it'll be paid of in February. But maybe I should look into trading. It would help a LOT for when we visit Tom's folks, and my folks.

Hmm.

running through my head

Why is it that thoughts of moving enter my head when I'm pregnant? As the rain continues to descend on this already soggy city, I find myself wishing for the winters I used to have--cold, snowy winters with crisp, frosty air. Toronto winters. Instead I slog through this wet muck for 8 or so months of the year.

Sigh. I know we'll be in this apartment for a few years yet, and I'm fine with that because I'm fairly sure the four (!) of us will fit comfortably in it, even with the 2 little ones sharing a room. But doesn't everyone want to own a house at some point? With the cost of real estate here, it's not really a possibility for us unless we move an hour or so east. And if we move that far away from downtown (where Tomek works), we might as well just keep on moving east another 3 hours to the interior of the province. Voila. A dry climate. Cold, crisp winter days. Very little rain. A huge lake. Hills to climb. Mountains to ride. My parents. Relatively affordable housing. Less "city" atmosphere. Probably cleaner air. 4 months of winter, not 8. And hot summers. Tomek often mentions he'd like to live somewhere warmer. But I'm not willing to live in the States ever again, (no offense) and anywhere else would just be too far away from family, and take a lot of getting used to.

Work is the main factor that's holding us back from seriously considering moving to the interior. Tomek wouldn't be able to be in the same line of work he's in now, because they don't have a lot of high-rises out there. As for me, I'd like a career that at least somewhat lets me use what I studied in college. But at this point I think I'd have to brush up on the ol' skillz somewhat.

On a tangent, Tomek needs to get out of his line of work in less than a few years. Case in point. :( It's not always like that, but his job and the stress get to him way too much and it worries me. Not to mention it makes him miserable. He works with morons and unco-operative people in a filthy environment under stressful situations: trying to organize and manage the installation of all these systems in new buildings, working with and around other trades and training his grunts at the same time. He's so gifted with languages I'd really like to see him get into some kind of translation. He listens to a lot of podcasts, I wonder if there is an angle in there somewhere. He knows Polish and Spain-Spanish and a bit of French, Mandarin, Russian and Italian... if he could get into some lucrative translation that he'd enjoy, and keep the work he does now for the occasional side job, I think he'd be a lot happier.

Time for a nap

First kicks!

On Friday night Tomek and I felt the first pokes and kicks of our new little one. It was just as amazing as the first times I felt LB move inside me.

One after another

That's the way things have gone for us. No breathing room, no time to be bored. But I guess that is the best way. If only I could find a way to not be affected by others' emotions and reactions to our life. I haven't told my mom yet. When I do, this time it'll be over the phone. I don't feel ready to tell anyone but my closest friends; those who won't be horrified if I start crying from the total OH MY GODness of it all.

Work shouldn't really be on my mind, but how can it not be. Ghost was right, babies are cheap. But I have a feeling that after the first 2-3 years they just get more and more expensive. Daycare, swimming lessons, school, etc. I feel like I've kind of done things backwards. I tutored, which I thought was totally what I wanted to do, and I just had loss after loss because I couldn't get the product I felt I should be getting with each child. I had an ok office job but it wasn't what I really liked. I didn't return to it after LB was born because we didn't want anyone else to take care of her and I was fortunate enough to have a year of paid maternity leave. Then we went on the trip to Poland and I knew that when I came back I'd have to seriously figure something out for work. And I knew something else was happening too, most likely.

Now, it's definite. All during the time I was home with LB I knew I should have been putting together a plan of action for work--it was my opportunity to start something for myself, my own business, something I could do that would enable me to be at home most of the time. I could still do that if I tutored. I know a fellow who's run a successful tutoring centre for years now. I worked for him for a while and we parted on good terms--he wanted me to come and work for him as his assistant. I can't remember why I didn't. Maybe because the commute was so long. But it would be shorter now; I heard he down-sized, no longer has his own rented space, he tutors at people's homes. Maybe I could just be upfront with him that I had losses with tutoring and he could help me become a better tutor. But then I think that tutoring kids is just so much more of a challenge (in my experience) than tutoring adults (which I did in college). I have a contact at the tutoring centre of the college I went to as well. I wonder if I should contact her as well. They only hire current students though, and it's minimum wage pay. When I was freelance tutoring the one student I had, I was making $35/hr. But it was a long commute in rush hour and I didn't charge them extra for the commute time and gas.

My schooling is in writing and editing. But I learned very early on that I can't write well when I'm writing someone else's message. It's their message, they know what they want to say, I could never seem to strongly interpret the message and then write it effectively. Or with much interest. I enjoy editing though. There you are more removed from the work. My friend from school and I tried starting our own business of being editors and basically acting as a go-between for writers and publishers that might be interested in their work. I thought it was kind of cocky of us, being fresh out of a two-year program, but we never carried it far enough to see if it would have been viable.

Editing for another company doesn't seem to be an option from what I've seen. In-house editors seem to have a ton of experience. Then I think about technical writing. Writing instructions basically. It sounds boring, and probably would be, but I've written a bit of stuff like this; an office procedures manual and instructions for doing different things on this new computer program my old work had. I have experience in that... so maybe if I could find somewhere that needed tech. writers... but I worry that it would be totally boring. But then again, I remember enjoying writing things out clearly, fiddling with screen shots, etc. If I was just writing instructions maybe it would be possible to do some work from home... contract work even.

I figured out after college that I'm not a person who can make a living doing what i really enjoy doing. The stress that inevitably pops up just ruins the enjoyment for me. So maybe tech writing would be the way to go. There would be testing and tech editing to do, too, I imagine.

Time to start searching. Somehow I just can't focus on what I should be focusing on. Maybe after the ultrasound on Oct. 1st.

Quit

I lasted 1 day at that job. I worked 1 day last week. This week I was scheduled to work last night, but instead, I quit.

I'd like to think it was for purely practical reasons. But I think the real reason was that I just didn't feel emotionally strong enough to leave here 3 evenings a week. I'd leave at 10 p.m. so it wasn't like I'd be missing out on an entire day of LBness. I don't really understand me, myself. Tomek brought up the valid points that I could use that time to start something of my own, something that would eventually enable me to work from home. I had meant to do a lot of that during my entire maternity leave, but not a lot happened. He also said that he could make the same amount of money as I would be in a lot less time. He could make more than 3x/hr as much as I would have. And then there's the excuse that I need all my energy for planning our trip (WE LEAVE IN EXACTLY A MONTH OMG!!!). I know Tom's parents travel plans, and I already know we are not going to some cities they are going to, so sometimes we'll be with them and sometimes we won't. We are going to go to fewer places and spend less time in each place.

But what really hit home with me, and has stuck, was when I asked Tom if he'd feel resentment or any negative emotion toward me if I stopped working there, he said no, it would just mean he'd have to find more work. And he looked so tired. It about broke my heart. I feel guilty for leaving that job. But now I'm determined to actually carry out the plans I made for saving us money--saving us WAY more money than I'd have made working that job.

And this morning Tom called for me to read him a list of things that he needed to do because he'd left the list at home. I know it was just a small portion of things he tackles every day, but holy CRAP he does so much. Deals with so many different people, places and problems every day. I'm in awe of him. And so proud. *mwua*

Where to start. Not that I ever write much anyway, but lately I've hit the hugest writers' block. It might be because there is so much going on right now. I started my new job, have a birthday party for Tom this weekend and one for LB in a month, and the weekend after that we leave on vacation. That doesn't sound like very much. But then add on a typical day of being with a very active, very adventurous (I'd go so far as to say fearless) little girl, and there just isn't a lot of time for me. I have so many photos I want to upload and share, videos, too. But I either spend her nap times napping (in preparation for my night shift) or cleaning. And then we go to the park and to the pool and to any air conditioned store that will provide some relief from the heat... and I feed her and we play. I'm trying to figure out her new eating schedule because about a week ago she stopped eating. She still has her formula 3x a day, and in the evening she'd eat some banana and that was it. Her appetite has picked up a little bit now, but she still shakes her head no no NO when I offer a spoonful of food. So then I have to pretend I'm eating it and loving it and then maybe she'll give it a try. I don't want to ever force her to eat, but I can't help wanting her to eat even a little bit. But all she seems to want is formula and water.

The job is ok. One manager seems to be a bit of a dink, said he'd schedule me for Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday but next week I'm scheduled Tues, Wed, Thurs. Three days in a row of only getting 4 maybe 5 hours of sleep at night. Brilliant. Plus, it's probably going to mess Tom up because he works late the evenings I'm home.

So now LB is sleeping and I'm looking around at the cleaning I should start doing in preparation for the party on Saturday and I just feel so tired.

Yeah, that sounds like something I'd do

So I bought a blank card with some nice Impressionistic (I think) art on the front. I bought this card to write a nice thank you note to the president of the company I used to work for. I just thought up a really nice short note to write on it:

I am sure by now you are back from your trip and A***** has let you know I won't be returning to work at S*****.

It was my intent to tell you in person, and also to thank you for employing me these past couple of years. I enjoyed the challenges that came with the work I was given, as well as the friendships I made.

I wish you and your company all the best in your future endeavours.

Sincerely,
Me

So I carefully penned this note out in the card in nice cursive without making any mistakes. I signed my name and closed the card to take another look at the art work on the front. And the stupid card is vertical. Of COURSE I wrote the note in it horizontally.

Sigh.

So now the card is going to be super-late because I have to buy another one. And I don't feel like going out right now to do that. We are driving to K-town this weekend to spend the weekend with my parents and celebrate Tom's 30th birthday (pop over and wish him a happy b-day, if you'd like). My main gift to him is over there, so he won't get it till tomorrow. He's going to love it. :)

Oh, and the night-shift stocker position I applied for a week ago... I got it. I start Tuesday. I have an 8 hour shift (training + work) 8 p.m. till 4 a.m. Fun times.

Hehe.

Hey, what's your job? Me? I'm a stalker.

shpeaking of shit shtorms

This morning the baby monitor was on too low, so I don't know how long LB had been crying before I finally heard her. She was all blotchy and snotty and really upset. Then none of the bottle stuff was clean, so she sat on the floor and screamed while I washed it, adn then her formula wouldn't heat up enough so I kept having to stick it back in the microwave. I hate microwaves. So today she's all out of sorts and yelling at me every time I move, except now because I gave her a cold cloth and she's alternating dragging it across the floor and sucking on it. At least I vacuumed 2 days ago I guess.

Then the mailman buzzes me and says he has a letter requiring a signature and I'm thinking yes! Tom's passport documents have arrived back, which means his passport will be here any day which means we ALL have our Cdn passports now. But no. I fucked up on his application and send the wrong proof of Cdn citizenship. It took 2 months for them to reject his application and now we leave in less than 2 months. He has a PL passport so he can still go, but I wanted him to have a cdn one because 2 years ago when we went to Spain I was the only one with a Cdn one and so we were in different customs lines going into the UK and they almost didn't let me in. I want us all in the same line. It will just make things go smoother. So now he has to take a day off work to put in his application in person (I mailed them the first time because the line ups at the ppt offices were like 5 hours long and there is no way I can stand in that with LB) in the hopes we can get it back in time.

I rescheduled an interview for tomorrow and asked the guy what the part-time night shifts were and he still said 10-6 which I can't do... then he said he'd answer all my questions when we met. Well I don't WANT to waste my time with the stress of an interview if they CAN"T give me the hours I can only do. So now I have to stress out like crazy again tomorrow.

2 1/2 months w/o ghost? I can't bare to think of it. But I guess if shit comes in threes i'm done for the day.

Update: Bitch and ye shall receive

A friend of mine who's a flight attendant just left me a message that she is a) in town! and b) in the area and would I like to go for lunch. I called her back and she was still in the area so she's stopping by and we are going for lunch. Yay! Some sanity and normalcy. As long as LB doesn't turn into a devil child.

Isn't

I dont know what it is. Each day I'm so exhausted, and I just want to sleep. At night, LB goes to bed, Tom crashes out, and as soon as I lie down in bed, I'm WIDE awake. It's not fair. So here I sit, eating warm potato salad even though the sauce refuses to soak into the potatoes. And there's onions. Not a smart late night snack, but there's nothing else.

Today I was supposed to have my interview. I was stressing to the point of near-anxiety attack this afternoon (my interview was at 7 p.m.) and then doubly so when it turned out Tom left work late. I didn't have time to shower, the shirt I wore wasn't clean, but I did wash and (gasp) blow-dry my hair by giving LB a bunch of bottles and other safe-ish bathroom stuff to play with while I dried. I know I shouldn't say that's how I dried my hair, but it is. To do anything, the first step is to occupy the Bean. Then do whatever you were planning on doing if the entertainment is successful.

On to the "supposed to" part of my interview. I drove the 8 minute drive down the hill to the store. I left 1/2 hour early. The only till open was the customer service till. I waited in line with the other customers to tell the lady I was there to see Charles. I didn't have a watch, but I waited and waited and sweated and shivered, and finally cut over and told the girl that was waiting to take over as the cashier in that line that I was there for an interview with Charles. She blinked. He wasn't there. He left early because he came in early.

Don't people use agendas? You'd think if anyone, HE would. But no. So I'm supposed to go back on Thursday. But I'm going to call him tomorrow and be cheeky and ask first if I would be able to get the hours I know I can work (around Tom's work and LB). If not, fuck 'em.

Sigh.

To unwind from that, Tom, LB and I walked around Ikea for an hour. LB did a LOT of walking. Wow. At one point she must have taken over 50 steps in a row ON HER OWN. She was motoring. I saw a kid there with his mom and sister.... and the only way I can think of to describe him was Quasimodo. That sounds horrible, I know. But my chest ached when I saw him. He was hunchbacked and his face was all stretched wrong... and he was maybe 13. Of course LB made a bee-line for him with a death grip on my finger. I almost wished she'd have gone up to him and given him the big smile she gives random strangers. But she veered around at the last second and kept on going. I saw him wander a bit from his mom to look at some picture on a wall, but there must have been an invisible line or maybe suddenly there were too many people around because he bleated "maa!" and scurried back to his mom to link his arm through hers. The poor kid. I hope he has friends.

Once we got back from Ikea, my SIL IMed us and she and Tom talked for a while. She's working 2 jobs, seven days a week and is making way more/hour than I ever have. And she's only been in this country for a year. From Russia. It just makes me feel so lame, and untalented, and useless.

And one of my younger cousins just emailed me, we haven't talked in 6 or so years. She just graduated from UofT with honours, and is a dancer--ballet, modern, fast sexy stuff.

I know I have LB and she is the most important part of my life and my biggest responsibility. She's a job in herself. But it's still hard to see all these people working, so organized... and my life looks like a shit storm. And I feel like a big ball of frump.

Whew.

So, it's done. I went to the office, introduced LB to everyone and told the HR guy that I won't be back.

Whew.

I feel kind of bad having let that job go. It was decent money for the work I did, good benefits, free wine. But having driven there, and not even in rush hour, I cannot imagine myself making that commute 2x a day. I don't know how Tomek does it in rush hour. He does have an mp3 player to listen to speeches and books and such though.

So, now that I'm officially not returning to work, I have to figure out how I can help us save lots of money. Things like letting Tom use my car and retiring his car (reg. gas vs. premium and one less car insurance payment to make each month), making him lunches to take work each day (any good ideas?? He doesn't have access to a fridge and rarely a microwave). Finding good consignment stores and taking clothes there to make a bit of money off clothes we don't want anymore. I've been debating over getting rid of some of LB's stuff... I'm hoarding everything right now. In the core of me I'd like to have another child... I think. But I've pretty much decided not until LB starts pre-school.

And I wonder about part-time editing or tutoring. I cannot see myself tutoring kids. Maybe continuing ed. adults. People who really want my help. I want to feel appreciated, dammit.

holy shit i have time to blog

Today is a good day to blog.

Because...

LB STARTED WALKING TODAY ALL ON HER OWN!!!

She's been walking for over a month holding on to our fingers. In the last week I've only given her one finger so she walks beside me. Today she busted out and let go of my finger and walked almost the length of her room to Tom. My bro S took a video, but it's sideways. I wanted to flip it somehow before uploading it but I think I have to buy a program to do that.

Tuesday I'm going in to work to tell them I wont be returning. I'm REALLY nervous about that because my mat leave is up in 2 weeks.