One after another

That's the way things have gone for us. No breathing room, no time to be bored. But I guess that is the best way. If only I could find a way to not be affected by others' emotions and reactions to our life. I haven't told my mom yet. When I do, this time it'll be over the phone. I don't feel ready to tell anyone but my closest friends; those who won't be horrified if I start crying from the total OH MY GODness of it all.

Work shouldn't really be on my mind, but how can it not be. Ghost was right, babies are cheap. But I have a feeling that after the first 2-3 years they just get more and more expensive. Daycare, swimming lessons, school, etc. I feel like I've kind of done things backwards. I tutored, which I thought was totally what I wanted to do, and I just had loss after loss because I couldn't get the product I felt I should be getting with each child. I had an ok office job but it wasn't what I really liked. I didn't return to it after LB was born because we didn't want anyone else to take care of her and I was fortunate enough to have a year of paid maternity leave. Then we went on the trip to Poland and I knew that when I came back I'd have to seriously figure something out for work. And I knew something else was happening too, most likely.

Now, it's definite. All during the time I was home with LB I knew I should have been putting together a plan of action for work--it was my opportunity to start something for myself, my own business, something I could do that would enable me to be at home most of the time. I could still do that if I tutored. I know a fellow who's run a successful tutoring centre for years now. I worked for him for a while and we parted on good terms--he wanted me to come and work for him as his assistant. I can't remember why I didn't. Maybe because the commute was so long. But it would be shorter now; I heard he down-sized, no longer has his own rented space, he tutors at people's homes. Maybe I could just be upfront with him that I had losses with tutoring and he could help me become a better tutor. But then I think that tutoring kids is just so much more of a challenge (in my experience) than tutoring adults (which I did in college). I have a contact at the tutoring centre of the college I went to as well. I wonder if I should contact her as well. They only hire current students though, and it's minimum wage pay. When I was freelance tutoring the one student I had, I was making $35/hr. But it was a long commute in rush hour and I didn't charge them extra for the commute time and gas.

My schooling is in writing and editing. But I learned very early on that I can't write well when I'm writing someone else's message. It's their message, they know what they want to say, I could never seem to strongly interpret the message and then write it effectively. Or with much interest. I enjoy editing though. There you are more removed from the work. My friend from school and I tried starting our own business of being editors and basically acting as a go-between for writers and publishers that might be interested in their work. I thought it was kind of cocky of us, being fresh out of a two-year program, but we never carried it far enough to see if it would have been viable.

Editing for another company doesn't seem to be an option from what I've seen. In-house editors seem to have a ton of experience. Then I think about technical writing. Writing instructions basically. It sounds boring, and probably would be, but I've written a bit of stuff like this; an office procedures manual and instructions for doing different things on this new computer program my old work had. I have experience in that... so maybe if I could find somewhere that needed tech. writers... but I worry that it would be totally boring. But then again, I remember enjoying writing things out clearly, fiddling with screen shots, etc. If I was just writing instructions maybe it would be possible to do some work from home... contract work even.

I figured out after college that I'm not a person who can make a living doing what i really enjoy doing. The stress that inevitably pops up just ruins the enjoyment for me. So maybe tech writing would be the way to go. There would be testing and tech editing to do, too, I imagine.

Time to start searching. Somehow I just can't focus on what I should be focusing on. Maybe after the ultrasound on Oct. 1st.