meant to be

Tomek and I were in the local grocery store parking lot, wheeling the buggy towards the door, when we saw a young woman coming towards us holding two round watermelons against her chest.

I glanced at Tomek, and tried unsuccessfully not to smile as I whispered "nice--". I cut myself short because the woman was close enough that she might have been able to overhear. And I'm a prude at odd times.

He grinned back and said, "I was just going to say the same thing".

grind

involuntarily
i bite my lower lip
and know you are watching
though my eyes are closed

Reflecting

Here's another view of LG's first minutes, from the point of view of a very tired and worried papa.

I've been thinking back about what I wrote earlier on not getting my tubes tied just yet. Viewpoints can change a lot with a little bit of experience. When the doctor told me that I had a vertical and horizontal incision in my uterus (an upside-down T) and that if I had more children I'd have to have a scheduled c-section because of it... well, it got me thinking. And with all the talk and fear of bleeding heavily prior to LG's arrival fresh in my mind and heart, I know that I don't feel safe having any more children. My fear is that my uterus would tear apart before the baby arrived. And frankly, I don't want to go through another c-section and recovery. But the primary reason is my fear that my uterus wouldn't hold up.

I told Tomek all of this, and that I didn't want to be cut open again to have my tubes tied, he started thinking about a vasectomy. They are free, apparently. I think his reasons for considering one are slightly different than my reasons. To him, two kids is plenty. And I guess it is... I've always thought my body is strong and resilient. But two children later, lots of stitches, pain meds, bleeding, and time spent lying on my back, and I'm not so sure. I feel weakened, and I don't like that. I feel guilty not taking LB to the park to play like I used to. But if she sees the swings and wants "up", well, I can't do it. I did take her for a walk today, the first one on my own since I've been home, and it went well. And she went down for a nap very peacefully. She's been so ornery and grumpy since I've been home, I'm worried the terrible 2s have come early.

I hope that we can maintain the schedule that the hospital has put LG on, and that it will help create order in our lives.

This will always make me smile

Ugly monday

I'm feeling gross today. I have this stupid red itchy burn-looking thing around my mouth again--I don't know WHAT caused the reaction, or if it's a combination of an allergic reaction and dehydration... so I'm drinking tons of water today and eating only the simplest foods: toast and chicken noodle soup.

Gah. It brings to mind an episode of Six Feet Under when the younger brother came in to work with a similar rash around his mouth... only HIS was from making his male (stubbly-down-there) partner happy. So I can't help wondering when we go out and people see me like this, are they thinking it's from something like that? Well, no it's not!

I don't want to go anywhere. At all. Ever. I just want this to go away. But I'll probably have to go to a walk-in clinic tonight. Ugh. Because of course the over-the-counter stuff I could buy, I have to consult a doctor before using because I'm pregnant.

And I'm listening to these cds of Polish children's songs and there's one about a little dog (I found out after the song had almost driven me mental) and this little girl just sings over and over again what sounded to me like "mowe pyesek bean dip". Over and over. And over. I finally asked Tomek what it meant... and she's saying "little doggie Beandek" or whatever the dog's name is. Sure sounds like bean dip to me.

In better news, a transformation occurred this weekend:

Haircut a la phx. Tomek has never had his hair cut at a hair dressers. I think his mom and I are the only ones that have ever cut it! It took me about an hour, and afterwards there was enough left for him to rock a lil fauxhawk. :)

i really should do something useful

Monday night our LB came down with a fever. Poor kid. She hasn't been sick yet, so needless to say Tomek and I were a worried, nervous bundle of "omg what do we do?" She slept with us because otherwise he and I probably would have met countless times in the hall going to and coming from checking up on her. She was so HOT. :( And had a little cough. Her fever never went above 101.7F but we set alarms to go off every 2 hours anyway to keep tabs on her temperature. She hasn't been listless or anything other than a little more mellow than usual and wanting to be picked up all the time. Which I'm not allowed to do, so then she cries and it breaks my heart because I know she doesn't understand that the ONLY reason I'm not picking her up is because at this point it could harm me and the baby. So I spend a lot of time sitting on the floor so she can crawl into the small space still left on my lap, and we read. I'm so sick of Hop on Pop. Gah. But I'll always read it for her. :)

Yesterday, on top of LB being feverish, I had my obgyn appointment. We all went because it was the initial appointment and I thought she'd be explaining to me what was going to happen with the c-section, you know, put my mind at ease a bit.

Nope.

She went over all the bad things that could happen, finishing up with losing so much blood I need a transfusion and the placenta getting stuck resulting in a hysterectomy.

She asked me if I wanted to get my tubes tied and I said no because I think it's dumb to do something like that while I'm still healthy, capable and at a good age to have children. Who's to say that we won't decide to have a 3rd in a couple of years? Might not be in our plans right now, but you never know how things might be in 2 years or so.

She checked on the baby's heartbeat and it took her a little bit to find it. Then she listened for over a minute with a frown on her face. It was 120 bpm but she decided to send me to the hospital for a non-stress test anyway, to get a 20 minute reading of the heartbeat to make sure it was going up and down.

Poor LB was way past her nap time by this time, but it wouldn't have made sense (or so we thought) for Tomek to drive home with her, put her down for her nap then scoop her up again and come back to get me.

The obgyn scheduled me for another ultrasound at 35 weeks to confirm the placenta is still low, I see her again at 37 weeks on top of seeing my regular doctor and scheduling a trip to the hospital for my c-section orientation. All this with LB and w/o a car. Whee.

She scheduled my c-section for the 25th of February, then changed it this morning to the 20th of February. And oh BUMMER I was just perusing the wiki article on Feb 20th and that's Kurt Cobain's b-day. Ugh. I don't see why that guy is such a hero to so many people. I really don't get it. The others I recognized were Phil Esposito, Charles Barkley (pfft) and Cindy Crawford.

So back to the hospital and the non-stress test... the first nurse couldn't find the heartbeat at all. Just when I was getting really worried, the little guy started punching and kicking up a storm. Whew. But she still couldn't find his heartbeat. So she asked another nurse to find it. She had trouble, too, she could pick it up for a bit then would lose it again. She said it was the hardest heartbeat she'd ever had to find. And she graduated from nursing school the year I was born. 27 years. So I didn't get to lie there in peace and let my baby's heartbeats wash over me and soothe me. I sat/lay in a twisted half-on-back-half-on-side-half-sitting position with the nurse holding the sensor on my gooped-up belly and occasionally (I hate that word) pressing it into my belly.

But the heartbeat was normal, so that's good. We got home after 5 and LB and Tomek laid down for a nap while I prepped some chicken noodle soup. I laid down with them, too, and we got up to eat before 7. LB ate a LOT. And drank a LOT. Yay! :)

Last night was better, her fever was lower, although she's still pretty quiet and clingy.

Between her being sick and all this c-section stuff, I've not been thinking of much else. Maybe on the weekend...

there will always be happy times, of that i'm sure

LB and I combined weigh 175 lbs.

(LB saw me put this photo up, pointed and said "mommy! mommy! mommy!")

Tonight I had to search for how to make rice. I knew there was a 2-1 ratio in there somewhere but couldn't remember which way it went.

The rear brakes on my car, and the rotors, were completely annihilated during the holidays. Luckily it's front-wheel drive or I don't think we would have gotten away with driving it like that for so long. Tomek is at his parents' place (they are out of town) replacing the brakes and rotors tonight. LB and I could have gone with him, but I figured it would be easier to keep her happy here. So we stayed. I miss him. It's an evening primrose oil evening.


None of the things I was dreading happening over the holidays happened. It's always that way isn't it? Waste all that energy dreading something that doesn't happen, which leaves you completely unprepared and without energy to deal with what does happen.

But as the holidays fade behind us (for which I'm so thankful), I'm letting all that fade behind me as well. I still hurt, I got dragged down and then beat myself up. But a little love goes a long way with me. Show a little tenderness when I'm not expecting it and I'll tear up.
Tomek got rid of the Christmas tree last night, cutting it up into little bits in our living room and then taking it to his parents' place so they can burn it in their fireplace. I'm so glad to have some space out here again. I brought the bulk of LB's toys out here and I think she much prefers playing out here than in her room. Me, too. It's easier to do things and keep an eye on her this way.

Anyone feel like sharing their method for dealing with receipts? How they are organized, where they are kept, etc.?

LB doesn't seem to want to have much to do with me when Tomek is home these days. It's all about Daddy. Which is nice to see, but I can't help feel a teensy weensy bit left out. Guess I'll never be satisfied.

Tomek found a bunch of "artwork" I did in a college graphic design class 6-7 years ago. They were inbetween packing paper lining the bottom of a box that had Christmas decor in it.

There's always going to be love, just wait and see.

Well THAT was fun

Last night was ugh. Poor Tomek didn't get home from work until 10 p.m., and LB didn't want to go to bed until after 10:30. She needs her Daddy time, no matter how late he gets home, it seems. That's not to say I don't try to put her to bed at a good hour. Anyway, so she went to bed, we showered and somehow it was after midnight yet again when we finally went to bed.

Tomek snores. And he has this way of falling asleep after three breaths. Me? I have to lie there and toss and turn and get in a position that's just so with the blankets pulled up around me just right, and no folds in the sheet, the pillow at just the right angle, my hair lifted up and over the top of the pillow so it doesn't itch my back or my neck. Then I can start slowly drifting off to sleep. But not if he's snoring. I listen to the crescendo of his breathing, tensed, waiting for the final whhhhhhooooonk which is the signal for me to gently shake him or prod him in an attempt to stop the snoring without fulling waking him up. Then readjust the sheets, my hair, the position of my limbs and my belly, and the cycle starts anew. And continues until I get tired enough to drift off between prodding him and when his next whhhhhooooonk arrives.

Last night the time between whonks was too short. Way too short. He was exhausted, sleep came more quickly than I could ever hope it would come for me. I watched the time slip past 1 a.m.... and then I must have finally drifted off to sleep.

At 1:45 something partially woke me up. I slipped in and out of sleep, vaguely hearing something like a phone ringing, mingled with Tomek's snores. A phone? Not my ring tone, or his... or our buzzer... just a persistant ringgggg... ringggg... ringgggg...

Wait a minute.

It's not a phone. It's one big RRRIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG of the building's fire alarm.

Shit.

At that instant of realization I received probably the second biggest shot of adrenaline in the history of me (the largest being in the moments after LB was born). I shook Tomek, "It's the fire alarm!" and we both shot out of bed, staggered around for clothes, warm clothes, I was acutely aware that I wasn't wearing a bra and didn't want to waste the time putting one on. Where was the fire? False alarm? We are on the 3rd (top) floor. Is it under us? We're taking too long. Down the hall, grabbed LB, stuffed her into her snowsuit, laid her down on the floor and pulled her boots on, then back to the bedroom because I was only half-dressed. Pulled pants on and my wedding rings, poked my head out the door to see neighbours exiting their apartments. No smoke. Left LB in the front hall with Tomek, ran back, got my purse, Tomek's wallet, a sweatshirt and LB's hat and out the door. Left a light on. Locked the door. Down three flights of stairs, out into the cold early morning as a 2nd fire truck pulls up.

No fire. Just a bunch of neighbours milling around on the sidewalk as fire fighters walk in and out of the building. No rush, no hoses. False alarm and no one's sure what caused it. One fire fighter tells us we can go back inside, another talks to a member of the strata and tells her he can't reset the alarm, so even though it's now off, it might turn on again.

I linger, listening... but no one knows what really happened. Back upstairs, LB is wide awake. We bring her to bed with us, Tomek passes out immediately. I lie awake with LB, waiting to feel sleepy. Waiting for her to feel sleepy. It's hard to see her eyes in the darkness, but every time I turn towards her, she starts telling me something. I wait, and wait. It's closing in on 2:30 a.m.... I think she's asleep. I lift her to take her to her crib, and she wakes up. I put her in her crib anyway, leaving the door open.

Back to bed, I finally fall asleep.

3:00 a.m. LB's indignant cries come loud over the baby monitor. Tomek gets out of bed faster than me and is back in moments with LB. "She was standing in her crib," he says. I guess she never fell asleep after I put her there. She was standing, waiting for us to come and get her.

LB falls asleep quickly this time, nestled between us. It's after 3:00 a.m. and I drift off, too. Short hours later Tomek is kissing me good-bye as he goes to work. I neglected to set an alarm so it's after 10 a.m. when LB finally wakes up. If she wakes up late like this I have to shorten her nap and make sure she gets LOTS of exercise so she goes to sleep at a somewhat-sane hour the following night. Of course it's snowing, but we walked to the bread store to pick up a loaf of sourdough and some ham. Now she's napping, but I'm going to keep her nap to 1 hour.

Thoughts:
-Anyone who says you don't need a baby monitor if you live in a small apartment is WRONG. There will come a time where exhaustion will win over that innate motherly attentiveness and you just won't hear the little one unless their voice is amplified via the monitor.

-I'm worried about how faintly the sound of the fire alarm came through our apartment door and walls. LB's room is by the front door, closest to the alarm, and it didn't wake her. Our room is at the back of the apartment. I doubt it would have woken Tomek at all. And out on the sidewalk, I only saw maybe 20 people from our building, and there are 45 occupied units.

It feels like I cried all day

It feels like it must be the worst feeling in the world--on par with losing someone I love. He's not lost to me, yet part of him is. He's miserable, unhappy, stressed out, and despite loving him so much, loving him so much more completely than I thought it possible to love another person, I can't help him. In little ways, I've tried. Warm meals, hugs, kisses, bathing LB (which is not always a pleasant task when exhausted in the evening), trying to keep stress from everything else off his shoulders (Christmas prep, figuring out what to get who, paying bills)... nothing is enough. I love him so much, yet I can't do anything to make a lasting happy impression on him. Some evenings we have the time and energy to play a bit of Trivial Pursuit or do a crossword... but there's just always so much else baring down on us, and I don't know how we're supposed to deal with it all. I never thought life could be so convoluted, so messy, so overwhelming all the time. I feel like a lousy mom, a lousy wife, because I can't keep the mess straight. I'm home all day. I should be able to do it. But I can't.

It hurts so badly to know that my love isn't enough to make it all right.

aa

No, I’m not an alcoholic. The aa I’m talking about was what happened to me this morning, and which I think I can safely refer to as an anxiety attack. Tomek’s alarm went off at 5:15. Why, I don’t know. But it woke me up, and instantly my mind was whirring. Today was the day I would have his parents over from 10 a.m. till who knows how long, because I needed to borrow their van to drive myself to my doctor’s appointment and I needed them to take care of LB while I went. I knew they’d be playing with LB, but I also knew that she’d need a 1 ½ hour nap after I got back from my appointment, and I didn’t know how I’d keep a conversation with them for that long, what I’d give them for lunch… how to entertain them, basically. I so badly wanted to cancel my dr. appointment and tell his parents that the appointment was cancelled but if they wanted to come over later in the afternoon after LB’s nap that was fine.

I couldn’t fall back asleep. And on top of feeling all panicky, I started feeling angry because I was awake and Tomek was sleeping, even though it was his alarm that went off. So at 5:45 I got up and started noisily unloading the dishwasher and washing the few dishes left from the previous night, in preparation for his parents’ arrival. I didn’t want to leave any dishes that his mom might decide to do while I was gone. Tomek asked me why I was so pissed off so I told him how I was feeling—dreading the visit, wanting to cancel the dr. appointment, etc. His reply was It’s not a tragedy.

I clammed up, finished with the dishes and went back to bed, where I cried. And cried. After about 10 minutes, he came in and softly asked me why I was crying. He laid down beside me… and I think he wanted to understand. Or at least wanted to help.

To you, it’s nothing. To me, it’s too much.

We probably won’t ever fully understand each other. Again, it all comes down to love. You loved me enough despite my emotional swings to comfort me, kiss me, hug me, even if I seemed non-responsive at the time, even if I seemed too wrapped up in dreading the morning to come.

Before he left for work, he knelt beside the bed where I was finally drifting back to sleep, rested his head on mine and said It's going to be ok, you'll see. Telling me it would be ok, even though he probably didn't think there was anything for me to worry about, well, that combined with near sleep helped me turn a corner and realize the day couldn't possibly be as horrible as it seemed it would be at 5:15 am.

The dr. appointment went well. Triple screen came back normal, my iron and rubella levels are good, and I’ve gained 7 lbs. Finally. Baby’s heartbeat was a healthy 143 bmp, my uterus measures approx. 24 cm which is right on for how far along I am.

When she was getting the heartbeat, it sounded like it had an extra thump to it, but it turns out we were hearing the baby’s heartbeat and my placenta. Wild.

(And the visit with the in-laws was fine, too.)

when moments make memories

Last night I snuggled into bed between freshly washed sheets while the sounds of Tomek prepping for tomorrow's workday faded around me. Through that veil of sleep that closes in so smoothly, so wonderfully some nights, I felt his soft lips brush my shoulder blade where the blankets had slipped down. Once, twice, three times, maybe more. A whispered good night sweetie and the warm weight of love, of home, of all that is familiar settled in beside me. Warmth gently pressed against my back. A relaxed exhale, more whispered words, fading quickly as I sank down, down... I love sleeping next to you at night

yeah, i'm a hopeless romantic

So I was going back through poetry journals I'd kept for a few years--poetry's been on my mind more and more lately, especially after discovering this medium through a site I found via StumbleUpon. I've long wanted to effectively mesh my poetry with photos I've taken. I can feel myself getting back into the head space where I actually could be creative to the point of creating something I'd be proud of.

Like this poem, I wrote back at the end of January 2004, 9 days after meeting Tomek:

you asked me
"where have you been all this time?"
i smiled, blushed and didn't know
but skin touches melted fear
one look untied a heart of knots
you smiled,
i found a part of me long lost
and then i knew--

you asked me where i've been all this time
i've been searching for you

Should re-reading my own old poetry have this much effect on me? I don't know. But I read that again and again and the power of the emotions I felt upon first meeting Tomek come flooding back. My feelings are just as strong now, if not stronger, but back then, it was all so raw.