parental observation

2 year olds are just short teenagers with speech impediments.

moving along

These past few days have been fairly productive for me. I moved both kids into cloth diapers, set up a clothes line on our balcony and finally finished reupholstering our dining room chairs.

Before (ugh):



And, after:

My main reason for moving the kids to cloth diapers, well, LB really, was because potty training is going NOWHERE. She refuses to sit on her potty, she'll start crying if we plunk her down on it. So, I want her to get the feeling of what peeing her pants really feels like. It's kinda frightening how absorbent disposable diapers are, even though they are so convenient, especially for going out with the kiddies. Buying LB 3 pull-ups cloth diapers cost the same as 128 disposable (non-pull-ups) diapers for her. I know it pays off in the long run... but to get started, especially now with $ stuff being what it is, well it's tricky.

I'd like to get a part-time job, at least, I think I'd like to. I'd probably hate it once I started, because it would have to be an evening/weekend job.
But with Tom's work schedule now, he's often not home till 6:30 or 7 p.m. I really don't think it's going to work right now for us both to have jobs, especially since I'd like one of us to be with the kids, not just leave them with someone else. Not right now.

So since I'm not making any money (sale of random stuff pending) I'm trying to find ways to save money.

1. After today, Tom and I are going to somehow make his lunch for the next day each evening.

2. I'm researching what we can buy at Costco to justify the $50/year membership.

3. Selling a ton of pre-pregnancy clothes at a consignment store, and other random stuff via craigslist.

4. Buying clothes needed only at consignment stores (or Salvation Army or Value Village), especially for the kids, since they grow out of clothes so quickly anyway.

5. Buying bread at local bakery (comparable price and much healthier).

6. Buying fruit and veggies from weekly Farmers' Market. Meat, fish and bread also available. LB and I checked one out on Sunday morning. I think we'll make it a weekly thing.

7. I'd like to get rid of my cell phone but since I'm locked into a contract, I'm going to stick it out and just use it as little as possible. Will be using Skype more often. $35/year gets you unlimited calls to anywhere in North America. Since my parents are a long-distance call, as is my Oma this will come in handy. Especially since I only have 100 daytime minutes/month (unlimited incoming calls). Stupid cell phones. With the $35/year I'll be able to call my bro in the UK for 2.95 c/minute. Sweet.

8. NOT buying a 2nd vehicle for Tom right now. He thought he'd be getting a work vehicle at the end of the month, but now he might not be. I feel like I need my car to be able to take the kids different places other than just where we (LB) can walk. But maybe we can just make a point of having evening outings, even if it's just me and LB going somewhere. A girl I know is selling a deisel VW Jetta that's a year newer than mine... and I'm sorely tempted to buy it and sell mine, but... I love my car. And we're the only owners... and it'll be paid of in February. But maybe I should look into trading. It would help a LOT for when we visit Tom's folks, and my folks.

Hmm.

Pits

LB is one month away from being 2, but I'd still remove the cherry pits before feeding her a cherry. My MIL feels differently, as I found out yesterday. Apparently, last week when LB spent the afternoon with my in-laws, she was being fed whole cherries. She didn't swallow any pits that they saw. But I remember when she spent a few days with them while I was in the hospital with LG, after I got home she had a HUGE upchuck in the middle of the night, covering herself. Within that mess were a bunch of cherry pits.

I think I'm really just never going to change my feelings on leaving my kids with them for longer than a few hours. They raised 2 children, but my MIL does things so differently, and there seems to always be something that I'm appalled at when I find out.

I guess there's only so much common ground to be reached.

Because sometimes I wonder...

I'm one of the only stay-at-home moms I know. Sometimes I feel lame because I don't have a job and I'm not contributing financially to our family's well-being. Sometimes I lump everything I do in a day into the phrase "stay at home with the kids".

But that's not fair to myself. Today, I took note of what I did... and I surprised myself.

My day started with going to bed around 1 a.m. after spending some time with Tom who didn't get home from work till around 11:30 p.m. On Sunday. Yes. Sucky.

Then...

Up at 6:45 to feed LG—LB got up at 7:15. Prepped Tom 2 chicken salad sandwiches to go with the salad I made the night before. Made LB a breakfast of whole-grain oatmeal with apple chunks, changed diapers, dressed the kids, packed the diaper bag, and got the kids in the car and off to Circle of Friends by 9 a.m. Getting there included the drive, and then carrying LG in his car seat (about 20 lbs all together) and the diaper bag and holding LB’s hand as we walked a block and then through a school. Followed LB around and played, did puzzles, coloured and read books till nearly 11 a.m.

Home a little after 11, LB fell asleep in the car—carried her (30lbs) in one arm and LG and his car seat (20lbs) and the diaper bag back up to the apartment. Ate lunch, caught up on some e-mails, fed LG, LB woke up at 1230, fed her a lunch of chicken salad on squirrely bread. Played with LB, put a load of laundry in, made butterscotch pudding and then off to the park at 1:30.

At the park, I watched LB as she climbed, played in the sandbox with her and and pushed her on the swing. Back home in a hurry at 3:00 with a hungry baby. Fed LG, had a snack with LB, watched 1 hour of TV with LB (aka mommy’s down time), made another batch of formula, changed the laundry loads and folded laundry, changed LB’s bed sheets, coloured with LB and then strapped LG into the Snugli, LB into the stroller and went to Safeway to get groceries, the bakery to get bread and the dollar store to get more bubble soap. Back home, emptied the dishwasher, prepped a dinner of chicken, rice and steamed carrots.

Now it's 6:50 p.m. LB and I have both had dinner and she is busy dusting everything in sight with our fuzzy duster. LG is sleeping but should be up soon for another meal. LB's bed time is 9:30, but we'll see if she falls asleep easily without Tom being home. He's working late tonight, which means he probably won't be home much before midnight.

I can't imagine how all the moms who also work full-time do it! Right now I'm feeling very lucky that I'm able to stay at home with our kids rather than spending 1/2 of my pay cheque each month for someone else to care for them. So really who cares that I don't make money.... cuddles from my daughter and giggles from my son are worth more than any pay cheque! :)

Our little superman

I think he wants to be a superhero when he grows up.

Nights have been interesting, but not too torturous. The past couple of night he's had his awake time starting at 10 p.m. He eats, and then he just hangs out with Tomek and I. It's really nice, because LB goes to bed at 9:30, so we have time to devote to paying attention to just him. By midnight he'll still be awake and we'll feed him again and then within half an hour he'll be asleep, and he'll sleep for FIVE hours. Sometimes SIX... I hope I'm not jinxing myself here.

Last night he threw us a curveball. I was waiting for him to wake up by 10, but when he hadn't by 11:30, I put myself to bed. He woke up at 2:30 and Tomek got up changed him and fed him. I think I meant to get up and help, but the next thing I knew it was 3:30 a.m. and Tomek was not beside me. I went out into the living room where he was STILL with LG. He said LG wasn't burping. I felt guilty because he's the one that's supposed to get up at 6 a.m. to go to work. So I took over with LG and Tomek crashed back into bed. I figured LG was hungry again, so I laid him on the couch while I prepped his bottle. He started hollering, so I warmed the bottle, ran to the bathroom for a quick pee, grabbed some receiving blankets on my way out of our bedroom, and... LB was standing in the hall.

Great.

Tomek got up again, and put her back into her bed. He was going to lie with her so she didn't get up again but she was ok so he went back to our bed. I fed LG, waited 1/2 hour for him to burp... he didn't. I put him in his bed, and fell into our bed. 45 minutes later I woke up to the sound of LB hollering. It was odd that she hadn't gotten herself out of bed, but maybe now she's going to develop a fear of the dark. I hope not. I nudged Tomek and he went and brought her into bed with us. Am I a lazy wife or what? At one point in the night while sleeping on her back she propped her foot up on my face. I moved it to my shoulder and we all slept till Tomek got up in the morning. Fortunately, LB and LG stayed a sleep for a couple more hours, and only woke up just as he was leaving.

Before he left for work, he said "I don't remember you bringing LB to bed with us."

"I didn't," I replied. "You did."

long week short

My mom and brother were here for the week last week. LB started waking up a lot during the night, we thought it was teething, but when her temperature spiked at 104F/40C on Wednesday night, it was time to take her to the doctor. Tom and I took her to a pediatrician walk-in clinic and got there 10 minutes after it opened. Even so, there was already a 1 1/2 hour wait. So we drove back home, switched the car seats to my mom's car, Tom went to work and my mom and I took the kiddies back to the Dr. 2 hours later. She waited in the car with LG and I went into the clinic with LB. I STILL had to wait over half an hour. LB fell asleep in my lap which was really odd behaviour for her. The Dr. assisting the pediatrician came to see us first. She looked in LB's ears, and to do that I had to pin LB's head to my chest and her arms against herself, which didn't help matters since she was already scared and upset. Then she tried to look down LB's throat, but LB bit down on the popsicle stick so the lady had to GAG LB to get her to open her mouth. :( Everything looked good, so then the actual pediatrician came in and repeated all the checks, so LB got gagged again.

When they found out she's not been immunized they kind of freaked out and decided to get a urine and blood sample from her. To get the urine they taped a bag to her kitty and told me to go out and give her water and walk her till she peed. Plus we had to go to the lab and see if they could get blood from LB. She's old enough now that they take it from the arm, not the foot.

We went to the lab and the lady behind the counter was totally mrs. doom and gloom. She had to put a stop on everything, saying how everything we needed done probably couldn't be done and I'd probably have to go to the children's hospital (1 hour away) to get blood drawn from LB because the hospital had the EQUIPMENT to do it. Well, the nurse at the lab was awesome. Cheerful and positive. She said LB had a nice big vein and just had to get mrs. doom and gloom to hold LB's arm down while she drew the blood. LB was already crying from being scared and tired, because by this time it was WAY past her nap time. I was so impressed that she didn't scream or shriek or freak out and try to yank her arm away while they were drawing the blood. But she probably didn't realize what they were doing. They gave her a sticker afterwards, and normally she loves stickers. But she didn't want anything to do with the one they were offering her. Then I took her to the bathroom and checked her bag and it looked like there was pee in it.

So back to the clinic we went (all this time my mom has been sitting in the car with LG) and waited about 10 minutes to get into a room, the same room we were in before, so LB starts crying because she recognizes it. I got yet ANOTHER bitchy lady who checked her bag and told me there wasn't enough in there. So out we went again. I bought some water and a bagel and we went to the car to eat and drink. 45 minutes later there was still no pee and it was 2:30 p.m. My mom and LG couldn't just sit in the car all day, and the Dr had told me that there were other options for getting pee from LB. One was to go home with the bag and then drop it off at a lab close to home. The other option was a catheter. So I went back to the clinic with LB again and waited about 20 min to see the Dr. We decided she'd put a catheter in and use a syringe at the end of the tube to draw some pee out. If there was any in there. The catheter hadn't been painful for me when LG arrived, so I felt fine with her putting one in LB. Anything so that we could be done with the Dr stuff and get her home and not scared and crying anymore. So another Dr came in and pinned her legs open and down and the main Dr got some pee out. THEN we got to drive home.

LB flaked in the car right away and when we got home I laid down with her in her new big bed (which is another story) and...

photo taken by my lil bro

She's doing a lot better now. We haven't had to give her infant tylenol since before the Dr visit. I understand the value of something that reduces the fever to help kids sleep better when they are ill, but I can't help wondering if by suppressing the fever it's also hampering the body from fighting whatever virus its trying to beat. Can't ask a Dr. To them tylenol and vaccinations are perfectly safe. It's IMPOSSIBLE to get a Dr to even acknowledge there might be anything not so great about giving a child these. I found it so bizarre when I was in the hospital and taking a mix of tylenol and advil every two hours and pumping and the nurse said it was perfectly safe for my premature baby. Maybe the amount he was getting was so small it wouldn't matter... but then HE was tiny, too.

Sometimes it's hard to keep a strong belief when everyone around me disagrees.

4 a.m.

Eat, feed, clean, repeat

This is LG's 5th day at home. I (knock on wood) have NOT had any baby blues yet... I think I had one little cry to Tomek on Saturday because I felt momentarily overwhelmed with it all, but since then I've just forged ahead and the hours are racing by. I feel like I spend most of my time thinking about food, feeding and eating. Seriously. LG has to be woken up every 3 hours to eat, so that breaks up our nights into an hour here a couple of hours there of sleep. Tomek has been WONDERFUL... I'm getting more sleep than he is. In the morning I try to work it so I get LG up an hour before LB gets up. That way I can get him fed, burped and changed and back to sleep in time to prep LB's morning bottle, then while she's drinking I'm pumping milk for LG's next feed (which takes 20-30 minutes), then we play for a bit, then she's ready for a real breakfast so I figure something out for her to eat. This morning it was cereal and some banana. Then it's MY turn to eat, and then I play with LB some more or do the never-ending laundry or dishes or start another batch of formula on the stove. LB usually goes down for a nap 3 hours after she wakes up. It's nice in the morning if LG sleeps the entire time LB is up and when she goes down for a nap, he wakes up. Then it's only the afternoons that are tricky. LB surprised me today and went down for a nap 2 hours after she got up. I guess 8:30 was a little too early for her. I didn't know she was going to fall asleep, she just wanted to go in her crib and wanted her mobile on. And she drifted off just as LG started grunting and waking up. Did I mention how easy-going he is? He hardly rarely almost never cries. So then another hour passes while I feed and burp and cuddle and do the bicycle with him (because he hasn't pooped since he got home).

Now they are both asleep although LB will be up in less than an hour and I'll have to get something together for her and I to eat. The bottles are already washed for LG's next feed, and I'll have to make sure I have a dvd or something ready to go to occupy LB while LG is in my lap.

On Monday I could not have made it through the afternoon if my friend, N, hadn't been visiting. LB demands "up" often and screams if she doesn't get to go up. She refused to leave my lap w/o screaming when I needed to prep LG's bottle and feed him, so N ended up feeding him and I held LB. She's not mean to him at all. She loves to give him kisses and high fives and wants to hold him a lot. But she doesn't like it when one of us is holding him for an extended period of time.

Thankfully, Tomek has the rest of the week off so we can try to get LB used to the fact that sometimes she will just have to wait because we are taking care of LG. Although, he went to check on one of his projects early this morning and he's still not home. Stuff always comes up. But at least I know he's nearby so if things get hairy this afternoon I can call him and he should be able to come home.

Evenings are a flurry of timing dinner around LG's feeds, although yesterday he woke up just as dinner was ready, so Tomek helped LB eat her dinner while I fed LG and then he and I sat down to eat once LG was asleep, with LB wanting to sit in her daddy's lap for the entire meal.

All in all, it's going pretty well. I don't feel too exhausted and I'm SO RELIEVED that I'm not falling apart emotionally. I was really worried about that. Today was LG's scheduled arrival date and I'm SO GLAD I've already been through the c-section and hospital time and am already back at home with my family.

Now I just have to figure out how to go for walks with the 2 of them. I think LG is too small for the Snugli still, although he was 5 lbs at birth and now he's 6 lbs 9 oz!!! I have a stroller that his car seat attaches to, but then LB would have to walk, and I don't feel comfortable walking around w/o her holding my hand, unless we're at the park. Once LG fits in the Snugli I can push LB in the stroller to the park and then she can get out and run around. Until then, I may have to wait to go for a walk till someone is here with me, then we can go out with LG in his stroller and LB walking or in her stroller.

Anyone have any good ideas of quick, easy and healthy lunches for toddlers and moms?

Reflecting

Here's another view of LG's first minutes, from the point of view of a very tired and worried papa.

I've been thinking back about what I wrote earlier on not getting my tubes tied just yet. Viewpoints can change a lot with a little bit of experience. When the doctor told me that I had a vertical and horizontal incision in my uterus (an upside-down T) and that if I had more children I'd have to have a scheduled c-section because of it... well, it got me thinking. And with all the talk and fear of bleeding heavily prior to LG's arrival fresh in my mind and heart, I know that I don't feel safe having any more children. My fear is that my uterus would tear apart before the baby arrived. And frankly, I don't want to go through another c-section and recovery. But the primary reason is my fear that my uterus wouldn't hold up.

I told Tomek all of this, and that I didn't want to be cut open again to have my tubes tied, he started thinking about a vasectomy. They are free, apparently. I think his reasons for considering one are slightly different than my reasons. To him, two kids is plenty. And I guess it is... I've always thought my body is strong and resilient. But two children later, lots of stitches, pain meds, bleeding, and time spent lying on my back, and I'm not so sure. I feel weakened, and I don't like that. I feel guilty not taking LB to the park to play like I used to. But if she sees the swings and wants "up", well, I can't do it. I did take her for a walk today, the first one on my own since I've been home, and it went well. And she went down for a nap very peacefully. She's been so ornery and grumpy since I've been home, I'm worried the terrible 2s have come early.

I hope that we can maintain the schedule that the hospital has put LG on, and that it will help create order in our lives.

Arrival: LG's birth story and more

Thursday, January 24th, 4:00 a.m
I woke up and knew I’d started to bleed. There wasn’t much, but it was enough to scare me, and to have us rush to the hospital, which luckily is only 10 minutes away. They strapped a baby monitor to my belly and had me tell them if I bled anymore. The baby’s heartbeat was healthy and the bleeding lessened, but the Dr. decided to move me to the maternity ward for observation since I was almost 35 weeks along and had placenta previa. I hoped I wouldn’t bleed anymore and they’d let me go home on Friday. Spending the night w/o Tom and LB felt like one of the most difficult things I’d ever done. It was the first night I’d ever been away from LB; up until this day, the longest I’d been away from her was 4 hours.

Friday, January 25th
Despite being on bed rest in the hospital, I bled a little more. The baby still sounded healthy and happy and was very active. But the doctor that came to see me said he thought it best if I stayed in the hospital till the baby arrived, which could be a week or two. I was distraught at the thought of being away from Tom and LB for that long, even though I knew I should be focusing on what was best for the little guy. By the evening I hadn’t had any more bleeding, just watched the minutes and hours crawl by while resting, reading and watching tv.

Saturday, January 26th
I had no bleed in the morning, and I pushed the nurses to put in a word for me to go home. I said I could be on complete bed rest at home and I’d do a lot better emotionally if I could be near my daughter again. The nurse relayed what I said to the doctor, and he came to talk to me, explaining that he had to weigh the different parts of my situation against similar ones he’d already been through. He felt it would be safest for me to be right there in the hospital just in case I did start to have a larger bleed. Apparently about a litre of blood passes through the placenta each minute, so if it got damaged or ruptured, that blood could be coming out of me at that rate. Yikes. The Dr was an older man from South Africa. First time I’d heard an accent like that. He told me not to have this baby after midnight because he gets very grumpy after midnight.
Turns out, the Dr. was right. In the early afternoon I had a larger bleed. The nurse checked and didn’t seem too worried. I went down for an ultrasound to see if there were any blood clots in my uterus, but everything looked fine. The technician tried to show me the baby, but the bones were developed enough that we couldn’t see much detail. She told me he weighed 5 pounds. I went back to my room, and within minutes I was bleeding again. Two nurses came to see me and estimated the bleed at 300 ccs (1/3 of a litre) and all of a sudden there were more nurses and I was in bed getting wheeled to a different floor for closer observation. I asked one of my roommates (I was in a 4-person room) to tell Tomek I’d been taken downstairs.

Tomek arrived around 3:00 p.m. and I was still bleeding a bit. They had me back on the baby monitor and the baby still looked great. Good heart rate, lots of activity. Then one of the nurses came and we got to talking about placenta previa and she said 80% of the time the Drs wait until the patient is bleeding heavily before they get the baby out. That freaked me right out. There was NO WAY I wanted to wait that long and let things get to that point before the baby came out. But what control did I have over any of it really? Looking back on it, I wonder, because at 5:00 p.m. I started having contractions. They began as back pain and then moved around to the front until it was surrounding me and then it squeezed. The nurse kept calling in “cramping”, and I kept telling her I knew it was contractions because LB’s contractions had been the same way—the back pain hurt me more than the actual contractions.

So I waited, and hoped the contractions wouldn’t just disappear because that would feel like things were moving backwards and I really wanted the baby out so there would be no more waiting, no more being away from my family. Tomek waited with me, wiped my tears away, and did everything he could to keep me happy and comfortable… an impossible task since I hadn’t eaten since breakfast that morning and the Dr wouldn’t let me eat anything or drink anything just in case they did have to do a c-section that night. AND the Dr. had suggested they give me morphine to try to space out the contractions. So I got a shot of morphine and gravol in my hip.

Around 10:00 p.m. I got moved to a different room which seemed more like a storage room than anything. No window, lots of equipment. My room was needed for a set of twins that were on their way. I was still having contractions, but they weren’t any big deal compared to the ones I had with LB. I could feel myself fading in and out from the morphine, and I was starting to feel nauseous so I just lay very still and cracked my eyes open now and then to make sure Tomek was still at my side. While I was in the hospital he spent hours and hours just being there beside me. A comforting face. A hand to hold. I think the Dr came in at some point and said we were going to go ahead with it, but a few minutes later a nurse came in and told me the twins had bumped me out of my surgery spot. Then the Dr I think said something about waiting till morning, 7:30 a.m.

Around 11:00 p.m. the contractions were still steady about every 4 minutes despite the morphine. The Dr came back in, studied the printout of contractions and heartbeats for a while, studied my face for a while, then told me we were going to go ahead and get the baby out. Then he said, "good thing I didn't listen to the nurse, eh?" (and send me home).

Tomek told me later that his gut clenched when he heard that we were going ahead with the cesarean, and I remember starting to shiver and my teeth were chattering uncontrollably, even though I wasn’t cold. A nurse came in and shaved me a bit then, because, yes, the scar is going to be THAT low. Tomek had to take my stuff that he’d brought downstairs back upstairs then, because they needed the room for someone else. While he was gone, they wheeled my bed out of the room and towards the operating room. I told them to wait because my husband was upstairs and they said he’d be in the operating room with me after I was all prepped. I felt bad for him, always running here and there, getting me this, getting me that, and then getting left behind.

So I got wheeled into O.R. #8, which I took as a good sign because my lucky number is 8. :) They had me shift myself off the bed and onto a padded operating table… which is very tricky when lying down and pregnant. I got hooked up to a blood pressure monitor, and got a catheter, OH and I’d been hooked up to an IV since Thursday. Fun times. Then they had me sit up and swing my legs off the side of the table and hold onto a pillow while a nurse/dr someone held their hands on my shoulders. It was time for the spinal. The person holding my shoulders commented that the table must be a little lopsided because I felt uneven. Then I made an effort to relax my shoulders and everything evened out. I hugged the pillow and rested my head against her shoulder and tried to relax. The spinal didn’t hurt much at all, and actually I never took a look at where it went in to see if I had a bruise or anything afterwards. It was just a lot of pushing and then I could feel my feet slowly going numb from the outside, in. I was laid back down, and then my legs were strapped down, and that freaked me out a bit because I felt like I could still lift them if I tried. Then they put a heavy pad with a hole in it over my stomach, and then I think Tomek arrived. They put a blue tarp above my head, angling so it was inches above my nose. I didn’t like that because it smelled and made me dizzy to try to focus on it. They pricked my belly a few times to see if I could feel it and I could. The anesthesiologist (omg I spelled it right on the first try) told them to give me a local anesthetic and they did, but my blood pressure dropped so he said he wasn’t going to give me any more. They pricked me some more but I could still feel it, so he said I had to go under a general anesthetic. That meant Tomek had to leave the room and go sit in a chair and wait. I remember apologizing to him, and then he was gone and they put a mask over my face and pressed it down hard. I remember counting the breaths, and I think I got to 8 and then I smelled something kind of bitter and thought that must be the gas. Then I breathed two more times, and that’s all I remember of the operation.

What was filled in for me later via various Drs who talked to both Tomek and I over the next couple of days was that a) the baby got stuck, even though he was head down (he’d been horizontal during my ultrasound) and the Dr had to turn him around breach to get him out , after he’d kind of broken through and removed the placenta and b) before he could get him out, he had to make a vertical incision up my uterus in addition to the horizontal one and c) the little guy wasn’t breathing on his own when he came out so another dr had to manually help him breathe with some kind of pump until he started breathing on his own.

While I was still out cold, a nurse left the OR with LG and walked by Tomek, as he was told she would. He followed her to the NICU and saw LG get weighed and poked and blood drawn and other stuff that was really hard for him to see. He was wondering when and where he’d see me again and somehow he found his way to the anesthesiologist’s room where I was being monitored until I woke up. All I remember of being in that room was that I was throwing up repeatedly and there was a man there encouraging me to roll to my right side a bit to throw up into one of those rectangular tray things like what french fries come in at the beach, and he had a cool suction thing like the dentist has that he used to clean my mouth out after each time I was sick. Tomek was apparently in there for a while with me, but when I kept throwing up, the anesthesiologist told him it’d be best if he waited outside. So he was waiting again. The anesthesiologist apparently gave me 5 or 6 different drugs to ease the nausea. That on top of the morphine, spinal and general anesthetic and I was loaded. Jeez.

January 27th, around 3:00 a.m.
I was taken back upstairs to my room, which I vaguely remember, and I slept until late in the afternoon of the 27th. Tomek slept in a crappy chair next to me that night and most of the next day. He did call my parents and his parents just after the baby arrived though, to tell them the news.

In the evening I finally kind of woke up. Tomek had been to visit the little guy and showed me pictures. By this time I hadn’t eaten in 2 days but I think I had some jell-o. I was told that the baby arrived at 12:20 a.m. on January 27th. My brother’s birthday is on the 26th and frankly I was a little disappointed that LG just missed being born on the same day as my bro, but at least they share a middle name.

We visited LG that night… I felt so nervous seeing him. And I couldn’t really see him—he was all covered with cpap, sensors, etc. He was sleeping peacefully, and we were allowed to reach into the incubator to touch him. The nurse said that he’d know we were there by our scent, the sound of our voices and our touch. I hope he knew who we were. We didn’t get any of that initial bonding right after he was delivered.

Monday, January 28th: A letter to the little guy
Hey little boo boo, You sure are a trooper. Tonight I saw you for the second time, all hooked up to the IV and oxygen mask with a tube in your mouth. I can’t wait till you don’t have to have all those attachments anymore—I know you’ll feel much better! We aren’t allowed to hold you yet, but tonight you held on to my finger with that strong grip of yours. I hope you recognize when we are there touching you and talking to you. And I hope I can hold you and feed you soon. I love you, Mommy

Wednesday, January 30th
6:30 p.m.: You just went under the uv lights for your jaundice. So now in addition to all the tubes and sensors, you have a little mask over your eyes to protect them. Even though you are on c-pap, your breathing is getting much better. The nurse thinks you’ll be off c-pap and onto hi-flow in a couple of days. You held my finger again today, and you seem to relax when your tatus puts his hand on your chest.
8:00 p.m.: We got to hold you for a little bit tonight for the first time!!! It was sad to see all the wires stuck to you that we had to work around in order to hold you, but you snuggled right up to me and your tatus. I think you know who we are. :)

Saturday, February 2nd
a.m.: The nurses say you are off c-pap and out of the incubator! Well done!!
p.m.: Now you are off the hi-flow and completely breathing on your own and sleeping in a little crib! You are improving by leaps and bounds! I hope we will all be over this stomach flu soon so we can come and visit you.

Monday Febraury 4th
He’s taking full feeds! 46ml (based on his weight, which is just over 5 lbs). This means he’s off the IV. Yay! No more needles in a different place every time we see him. The nurses say he’s a very snoozy baby, and would sleep through his feeding times if they let him. He’s still getting fed via a tube into his tummy, which really, he can sleep through, so I guess he doesn’t know any different yet.

Tuesday February 5th
8:00 p.m. Your tatus and I finally got to visit you again—it’s been 6 days since we last saw you! Your sister was sick with a stomach flu AND teething, and then your tatus and I got the flu too, and we had to wait till 48 hours after our symptoms disappeared before we could visit you. It was a long 6 days. And you’d changed so much in that time. It was great to see you in a little crib, breathing on your own, without an iv. It was also the first time I got to see your face not covered by a little respiratory mask. AND we finally gave you a name!! You were sleeping when we got there so at first we just looked at you, and admired how great you are looking. Then the nurse said we could hold you, so I got to have a nice long snuggle with you sleeping in my arms. Then the nurse had us undress you so she could weigh you. It took a while… it was the first time I’d really handled you and you are SO tiny. It took even longer to get new clothes on you, but you did wake up and looked at us for the first time. You have big dark gray-blue eyes.
We had our first try at nursing tonight, and you don’t quite know what to make of it yet. So I fed you through the tube, and you fell asleep again while I was feeding you! I guess if you were still inside me you would be spending most of your time sleeping and growing, so it only makes sense that you sleep so much now.
They had to give you a pretty bad haircut while you were on the iv because sometimes they had to put the iv in your head. Ouch! So it looks like you have a little crooked mohawk. I think we are going to get them to completely shave your head before you are discharged, that way it can grow back evenly. It’s such a shame that they had to do that, though, you had such nice dark hair!

Wednesday Feburary 6th
He took a whole bottle at 3 p.m.!! His first successful feed without the tube. The nurse said it knocked him out, though. Poor guy. Drinking from a bottle is hard work! We are all sick again, so now again we have to wait a few days until we can see him again. Sigh.

Friday, February 8th
I called the NICU and they told me he’d been moved OUT of it and up to the pediatrics ward. Major improvement!!

Sunday, February 10th
I talked to his nurse and he’s getting a bath today. He hasn’t been spitting up after his feeds, which is another great improvement. She also told me he’d been a bit of a stinker and pulled the tube out of his nose (the one they feed him through… the one that goes down to his stomach and is normally taped to his cheek).

Monday, February 11th
He took 3 of his feeds last night by bottle, and only had one tube feed. This morning he took his bottle with ease as well! He now weighs 2.580 kg, which is 5.6 lbs. I’m pretty sure he was 5 lbs when he was born. The nurse can’t really give us any idea of when he’ll be home, but if his feeds keep up like this and he continues to gain weight, he could be ready to come home within a week. I hope we are all over our colds by then. It’s been 6 days since we’ve seen him.

is this where the unconditional love ends?

I think LB has figured out something is different with me. That, and I think she's at a stage where she's jealous of Tomek giving me more attention that he's giving her. Either way, tonight she gave me attitude. Real attitude. As in, taking swipes at me with her chubby little hands. I don't hit back. I don't see myself ever hitting any child of ours, or spanking them, ever. Ever EVER. The first time she gave me a slap, I think it was after I asked her not to do something... well, she slapped at me and then ran to Daddy. He told her repeatedly not to hit me and to give me a kiss. Which she finally did. But the second time, later in the evening, she wasn't coming near me for anything. When I put her in my lap facing me to see what was up, she started crying like I was hurting her and reached for her Daddy. He told her to give me a kiss and she, sobbing, said "nooo!!" and almost fell off me in her desperate attempt to get away from me and into his arms.

What the hell.

She did come to give me kisses later.... maybe she was just feeding off the crappy way I was feeling tonight, just drained and blah and not particularly responsive to anything. I know it's bothering her that she comes to me and reaches up, saying "up" and I can't lift her, so mostly I don't. That makes her cry. I think I mentioned that in my last post. Well, it bugs me.

Just like all the thoughts of a needle in my spine, scalpel through my belly, drugs to make me groggy, numb, puke, sick, the possibility of a whole lot of my blood being spilled, having to look at my stapled tummy afterward, not being able to give LB all the attention I can now as she is our only child... just like they all bug me.

i really should do something useful

Monday night our LB came down with a fever. Poor kid. She hasn't been sick yet, so needless to say Tomek and I were a worried, nervous bundle of "omg what do we do?" She slept with us because otherwise he and I probably would have met countless times in the hall going to and coming from checking up on her. She was so HOT. :( And had a little cough. Her fever never went above 101.7F but we set alarms to go off every 2 hours anyway to keep tabs on her temperature. She hasn't been listless or anything other than a little more mellow than usual and wanting to be picked up all the time. Which I'm not allowed to do, so then she cries and it breaks my heart because I know she doesn't understand that the ONLY reason I'm not picking her up is because at this point it could harm me and the baby. So I spend a lot of time sitting on the floor so she can crawl into the small space still left on my lap, and we read. I'm so sick of Hop on Pop. Gah. But I'll always read it for her. :)

Yesterday, on top of LB being feverish, I had my obgyn appointment. We all went because it was the initial appointment and I thought she'd be explaining to me what was going to happen with the c-section, you know, put my mind at ease a bit.

Nope.

She went over all the bad things that could happen, finishing up with losing so much blood I need a transfusion and the placenta getting stuck resulting in a hysterectomy.

She asked me if I wanted to get my tubes tied and I said no because I think it's dumb to do something like that while I'm still healthy, capable and at a good age to have children. Who's to say that we won't decide to have a 3rd in a couple of years? Might not be in our plans right now, but you never know how things might be in 2 years or so.

She checked on the baby's heartbeat and it took her a little bit to find it. Then she listened for over a minute with a frown on her face. It was 120 bpm but she decided to send me to the hospital for a non-stress test anyway, to get a 20 minute reading of the heartbeat to make sure it was going up and down.

Poor LB was way past her nap time by this time, but it wouldn't have made sense (or so we thought) for Tomek to drive home with her, put her down for her nap then scoop her up again and come back to get me.

The obgyn scheduled me for another ultrasound at 35 weeks to confirm the placenta is still low, I see her again at 37 weeks on top of seeing my regular doctor and scheduling a trip to the hospital for my c-section orientation. All this with LB and w/o a car. Whee.

She scheduled my c-section for the 25th of February, then changed it this morning to the 20th of February. And oh BUMMER I was just perusing the wiki article on Feb 20th and that's Kurt Cobain's b-day. Ugh. I don't see why that guy is such a hero to so many people. I really don't get it. The others I recognized were Phil Esposito, Charles Barkley (pfft) and Cindy Crawford.

So back to the hospital and the non-stress test... the first nurse couldn't find the heartbeat at all. Just when I was getting really worried, the little guy started punching and kicking up a storm. Whew. But she still couldn't find his heartbeat. So she asked another nurse to find it. She had trouble, too, she could pick it up for a bit then would lose it again. She said it was the hardest heartbeat she'd ever had to find. And she graduated from nursing school the year I was born. 27 years. So I didn't get to lie there in peace and let my baby's heartbeats wash over me and soothe me. I sat/lay in a twisted half-on-back-half-on-side-half-sitting position with the nurse holding the sensor on my gooped-up belly and occasionally (I hate that word) pressing it into my belly.

But the heartbeat was normal, so that's good. We got home after 5 and LB and Tomek laid down for a nap while I prepped some chicken noodle soup. I laid down with them, too, and we got up to eat before 7. LB ate a LOT. And drank a LOT. Yay! :)

Last night was better, her fever was lower, although she's still pretty quiet and clingy.

Between her being sick and all this c-section stuff, I've not been thinking of much else. Maybe on the weekend...

Our son could be here in 7 weeks

7?

Seven?

SEVEN?!?!

I can't even think with that right now. Tomorrow I'm 30 weeks along, and if the c-section continues to be imminent, then it could be only another 7 weeks.

7?

That's far too few. I've hardly had a chance to think about this pregnancy, this impending doubling of our little ones.... much less blog about it. I haven't even written the little guy a letter. :(

7 weeks...

By then I hope, hope HOPE Tomek is working a different job, a less stressful job. Seeing the toll that his current work is taking on him, and feeling the effects it's having on me, and the limited time he gets to be with me and LB, the switch can't come fast enough.

Back to the little guy... he kicks up a storm what feels like all the time. Right now he's quiet, but often he's rolling and kicking and punching until 1:30 a.m... I think we can feel much more than we did with LB because my muscles and everything aren't strong and toned (snort) like they were before I had LB. Everything's kinda loose. Stretched.

I'm happy to say that I have no water retention yet and I don't think I've ballooned out the way I did with LB, when I gained 40 lbs. I think I've only gained 20 so far. I know I'll lose it so I'm not agonizing over it or hopping on the scale every day. Once a week, yeah. And I'm not proud to admit that the main reason I'm happy I'm not a blimp is because I'll be able to feel like I look good when we are with the in-laws over the holidays. I initially met my SIL a couple weeks after LB was born. She was shocked at how thin I was by Christmas, and I enjoyed having that effect.

Sigh. This time around I'm more dreading the BIL, though. But I know I stress and over think and picture all these different scenarios of what might happen weeks ahead of time and work myself into a total mess. I'll just be pleasant and hope he does the same, without making any comments about my parenting style. Because he has yet to say anything nice about me, or anything remotely complimentary to me. Yes, I keep track. Bah. Sometimes I hate the way my mind works.

I guess in the new year it'll be time to rearrange a lot around here for the little guy. I wonder if I should just call him LG online. LB and LG. But then people might think it's Little Boy and Little Girl when it's really the opposite. Or maybe they won't.

I have to go Christmas shopping for my brothers tomorrow. Sob. Out. In stores. On the weekend before Christmas. Why does this always happen to me? At least I only have to hit 2 stores. Oh but we have to get something for my SIL's mom who's coming from Russia. And Tomek has a godson, but we are just going to give his mom cash because that's all she wanted for his 1st birthday. They have TONS of toys, and limited space, so I can understand. She can use the money for when she needs something for him.

I still have some baking to do, gingerbread cookies that we decorate and I was going to try some brownies with crushed candy canes on top. And we still have to make both mosaic things for the grandparents. And wrap everything.

I keep veering off the subject of the LG. I dont know what to say. Or what to think... as of today I'm having 2nd thoughts about breast-feeding. I just remember how much it wiped me out with LB, and I can't imagine nursing while keeping track of LB every couple of hours each day. I really think it might be in my best interest to bottle feed. I use the same formula that I was given, so I don't have any qualms about it... and I've been using it with LB since I stopped nursing her at 9 months. But what if he isn't as healthy and strong as LB because I don't nurse him?

I can't believe I'm going to have 2 children.

I wouldn't give up being a parent for anything

I doubt either of these things would have happened if I wasn't a parent.

Last night, I made a car out of cheerios, complete with 4 wheels, 2 axles and a steering wheel. Yes, I'm good. Yes, I was desperate for something to do to keep LB busy.

This morning I was getting dressed and was sitting on the bed sans shirt. LB was standing in front of me, watching, as usual. She touched my bare belly and said baby. :) I told her yes, there's a baby in there, and then she stroked my belly and said cacy (tsa-tsi, in Polish, means nice, or gentle... which is what she says when she strokes anyone's hair or any of her stuffed animals). And as I sat there in awe of my clever LB, she pointed to my (also expanding) left one and repeated baby. I guess in her mind, with all my growing bumps, I'm having triplets.

Naming

I never imagined that choosing names for my children would be so difficult. We didn't choose LB's name till the final days... but we did have a name for her before she was born.

We are having NO luck with agreeing on a boy name. A name which ideally won't be TOO common (like Bob or Joe), and not too odd, be pronounceable in English AND Polish (the tough part) or at least have a Polish version.

Before LB was born, we had Lukasz chosen for a boy. Lucas, but spelled the Polish way. (And in Polish it sounds like WOO-cash, which I don't particularly like.) Now I'm leaning towards James because it's always been my favourite boy name, but that would mean that the short-form of LB's name and his name would be the same as Harry Potter's parents. Jakob is also a possibility... it's the closest name to James in Polish. But the short-form of it is Kuba... which to me is something you'd name a dog.

So, help me out. Send me any and all boy names you like, or think might work for us, or whatever.

To help you out, here are a few of the names we've already nixed:

• Ezekiel
• Zenon
• Zachary
• Helmut
• Heinrich
• Oswald
• Casper
• Boris
• Bernard
  

Cookies, clothes and... reverse karma?

Today all LB wants to eat is cookies. Banana-ish flavoured very thick and crunchy, supposedly filled with wholesome goodness cookies. I'm not complaining. Because she's not. And the only time today that she hasn't been whining or crying or hurling herself around on the floor in a little spaz is when she's got one of these lovely cookies in her hand. Rock on banana cookies.

Yes, she's teething. Molars. Ouch.

Yesterday was not a great day here. My stir-crazyness is back... and I find myself waiting all day for the instant that Tomek walks through the door and my mind can shut off from being in full LB-watch mode. Last night when he was on his way home, Tomek told me that a co-worker of his had given him a bag of clothes for LB. I've been stalling having to buy LB new clothes, but she has been in dire need of a few more pairs of pants and some long-sleeved shirts. By bag of clothes, I assumed a grocery bag. But no. It was a big, black garbage bag. And it was 3/4 full. Of pants and long-sleeved shirts, mostly.

Earlier this afternoon, someone banged hard on our door. I'm hesitant to open the door, because we do have a nutter living in this building who has bothered a guy living a few doors down from us. I'm SO glad we are not near the elevator! I looked through the peep hole (which was made for someone 6 ft tall) and could only see the top of a knit beret with brim and pom pom... some lady, and she was muttering away. Then, as I watched, bam bam bam. I thought it was another crazy, but then she lifted her head slightly and I recognized it as the old woman who lives next door. The woman who Tomek and I used to frequently hear cry out "aaaaah!!! Mickey!!!!" followed by shrieks of laughter. They got it on more than we did. Good to be retired, I guess. Anywho, it was her. So I opened the door. Her boyfriend's key had broken in the lock of their door, so they wondered if we had a pin or something they could use to try to get the key bit out. I gave them 2 safety pins and a straight pin. She told me she used to know 4 people on this floor but they'd all moved out, so I told her to knock any time. And she did. 10 minutes later, to return the pins and tell me they'd have to call a locksmith. I asked if they had a phone. She gave me a weird look, said no, that the phone was in their apartment which they were currently locked out of. I asked if they had a cell phone. No. So I offered to let them use my cell phone. She said they didn't have a number for a locksmith either, at which point I told her to come on in (which I figured she'd do with relish, being able to peek around at a new neighbour's abode) and I checked the phone book for locksmiths. First one I called was rude, said they'd charge $95 and he'd have to call me back to tell me how long they'd be. Second one was polite and cheerful and located nearby, charged $75 and would be around in 15 minutes. I was envisioning having our neighbours wait in our apartment, maybe offer them a cup of tea or something because the first guy made it sound like it would be an hour or more. But she said they'd wait in the lobby. Good news to me since the apartment is a mess and I was embarrassed to have her come in here. Turns out she needed to get in for her meds because had surgery 2 weeks ago and she was cut open from boob to belly or something close to that judging by the line her finger drew down the middle of herself.

I peeked out my door not too long ago and the locksmith was banging away on the lock of their open door, so looks like they got in and alls well.

Now if it would stop raining and Tomek would get home, everything would be just peachy.

You know you're a mom when...

... in an attempt to fix your daughter's doll's pacifier, you waste no time in crazy-gluing said pacifier to your right thumb.

Who's next?

gatorade 'n' pizza pockets

So. A year ago right now I was in the throes of contractions, and 16 hours away from giving birth.

I seem to have stopped blogging and stopped taking photos. When did that all happen? I think it was when I got some news that might be news but might not be news and I've been trying to wrestle with whether it's good news or bad news. I don't want to talk to anyone about it yet. I'm trying to come to grips with all the what-ifs.

We are leaving for Toronto-then-Poland in 2 1/2 weeks. I'm dreading it. I had no idea how complicated it would be to travel with a child. Everyone says "Oh, you can take them everywhere." Bullshit. I mean, you can take them everywhere, but the amount of stuff that has to be planned out in advance and the amount of stuff that has to be taken along is mind-boggling. We didn't have enough money to buy 3 plane tickets so LB doesn't have her own seat on the 2 5-hour flights to and from Toronto and the 2 9-hour flights to and from Poland. She's 25 lbs now, and very active as every nearly 1-year-old (tomorrow!) should be. We are flying on 2 different airlines but of course neither will provide a meal for her (she's under 2 and doesn't have a seat anyway) even though she eats mostly everything we eat. Actually she out and out refuses to eat baby food now. And each airline has different baggage restrictions. One will let her have luggage, the other won't. But I've (after a ton of phoning around) figured out how much baggage plus stroller plus car seat we can bring. Yes, we are toting her car seat for use in the rental cars in Toronto and Poland, not for use on the planes. Even if we had gotten her a seat, we couldn't use our car seat on the flight to Poland because it's a German airline and they only allow German car seats. Of course. Then there's the whole food and formula deal. I make her formula myself, but of course I won't be doing that on the trip since we'll be moving around so much and each batch has to simmer for 6 hours. She doesn't seem to want to drink other formulas and I can't blame her, so then I considered milk, but then I remembered all the reasons I don't drink milk and scratched that idea pretty quick. So back to a commercial formula. She drinks less of this because the kind that she will drink she doesn't want to drink much of. But maybe that's good. Maybe this trip will slowly wean her off formula and get her more into eating solid foods. Her appetite is almost non-existent these days. It kind of scares me, even though she's as bouncy as ever.

And Tomek doesn't have the same passport as we do--we have Cdn he has Polish. I tried to apply for his through the mail but sent one wrong bit of ID because I couldn't send the other because he needed it to go down to Oregon with me. And now his work schedule is so crazy at his regular job, PLUS he's working a side job till 8 each night, so I don't even want to add anything more onto his plate, and certainly not standing in line for 4 hours to hand in a passport application. It's not really a big deal that we have different passports, it's just that when we went to Spain 2 years ago it was the same thing, and when we landed in the UK we were in different line-ups and they gave me a major hassle because I had no proof of where I was staying (with Tom's family, but they were in the other line) and no proof of money, etc. This time I'll have travelers cheques with us, but how am I supposed to split the cheque between the two of us? I guess since he's got an EU passport they'll be more lenient with him, so he'll need less proof. But still, standing in a customs line-up with LB and without Tomek is not something I'm looking forward to.

And we still haven't totally hashed out where we are going while we are there. I know we want it to be as low-key as possible, and I think that is going to be my main duty--making sure Tom's family and the trip doesn't stress him out and making sure that LB is having a good time and is not smothered and carted off by over-exhuberent relatives. Add to that I have this paranoid feeling that I may have been entered against my will into a who's the best daughter-in law competition and the dread I feel about this trip is pretty much complete. Mind you, I do have a kick-ass trump card: LB. She's the first great-granddaughter on Tom's mom's side, and Tom's dad is really excited to show LB off to all of his family and we may have that news that still might not be news.

And on that note LB is awake and crying whenever I turn away from her. Did I mention she's teething?

Mommydom

Ever since we took LB to the water park last week and a five-year-old boy sprayed me in the back of the head with a jet of water, I've been thinking a lot about moms, mommydom, and how lonely it really is. I'd always imaged that there would be a comraderie inherent with becoming a mom. How we'd bond while pushing our children on the swings, laughing over each child's unique ways of getting into mischief, sympathising over erratic sleep schedules. But it never happened.

Each day I take LB to the park amid the other kids and the other moms and there has only been ONE woman who I've thought "I'd let her take care of LB". And she wasn't even a mom; she was taking care of 2 kids not her own. And doing an amazing job of it. All the other moms were full of the same tired drawn-out phrases, in the same high-pitched simpery voice: geeeentle, be niiiiiiice, caaaaaaaaareful, use your words, fiiiiiiiiive more minutes, fooooooooour more minutes...

Maybe it's because LB is still younger than all the 3-5 year olds running around, but I cannot see myself ever talking to her like that. Sure, sometimes I'm overcome with love and I get goopy and tickle her till she squeals, but it just seems, I don't know. I don't know what it is about them. I just don't see myself ever being like that.

I've also noticed that moms who have been moms longer than, say, me, tend to feel they are more of a mom than I am. I think once a child is born, every mom is just as much a mom as the next mom, whether their child is 1 month, 1 year, or 30 years old. Yes, us younger moms have less experience, but experience is only gained through living, making mistakes, trying things, finding out what doesn't work, trying something new, and learning along with each individual child. So let us.

I mentioned all the moms I've seen who have not impressed me, who have not inspired me. But there are moms who I've not met (Robynn, Mella) and who I have yet to meet (Moi) who impress, inspire and keep me going every day. And the dads I know out there (Shen, Ghost, Matherly, Phil), you all have been great for me, too.

Thanks for coming along on this ride, and for sharing your stories, insights and wisdom with me. You all rock.