A lot of the time when I'm saying something or writing something or doing something, I think about how it's going to make the person I'm talking to or writing to or doing whatever for feel. A lot. I send photos to Tom's parents of the kids and I'm thinking "She's going to be so happy I sent this. They'll think I'm such a sweet daughter-in-law." I bought my brother a digital camera for his birthday and I was so excited to see him open it because I knew he'd be totally surprised and thrilled and excited... and when one of the first things he says is "ha! I have a better digital camera than you" joking in that 19-year-old fashion of his, I can't take it as a joke. His comment bursts all the good feeling in me that I was doing something really great that he'd like and would make him happy.

I don't always think about how others are going to feel when I'm angry and I say something. The words come out like shrapnel. When I'm saying whatever I think about how I'm going to come across to everyone who can hear me, and think what they will think, will they take my side or think I'm being silly or immature or over-reacting.

This weekend I was playing Mastermind with Tom, and we started with a beginner level, using only 5 colours, each colour once and no empty spaces. I was the codemaker and tried hard to put the green, blue, red, orange and yellow pins in an order he wouldn't consider. His first try, he had three in the right order and the last two were switched. He just had to switch two and he'd be done. It took him 7 turns to guess it and my dad came to watch just as I was putting in 5 black pegs signaling that he had all the right colours in the right spot. I was stifling a smile, thinking that my dad is going to think my husband is clever for having figured it out so quickly.... and then Tom said, "that's what I put on my first try!" I looked back at his first turn, and now the pins were exactly as I'd made my hidden code. I looked like an idiot in front of my dad, I know I did. My dad laughed, and then was impressed that Tom got the right sequence on his first try. I was CERTAIN that he'd just missed by 2 pegs on his first try because I remember being impressed THEN that he had almost solved it when I had tried hard to put the pins in an odd sequence. Tom doesn't cheat. So I must have not seen the pins correctly the first time. But I can't believe that either. I don't think my parents are as proud of me as they are of my brothers. I know my dad was so thrilled and excited when I (the first child) was born.... but I think it's been downhill from there--high school drop-out, haven't yet got a job in the field I chose to study in college, my choice of work that he read in my portfolio (subject: acquaintance rape), surprise pregnancy, surprise marriage, another pregnancy, no work. I do feel like I'm taking my own path and to really be who I think I should be, who I really am at the core of myself, I had to step off the path that my parents laid before us, the path that my brothers are eagerly running along. I dropped off of it when I didn't finish high school. Since then I feel like I've done nothing but shock them. I feel like I've had to make these choices when I did and have these things happen to me when they did. I think it was all the right thing for me, it just totally doesn't mesh with the way the rest of my family lives.

How can I ever be a writer if I feel I have to write honestly but I also feel I have to edit everything knowing my parents are going to read it. I don't want to shock or horrify them more than I already have, but I also don't want to hide what I write that might be out in public.