I got all of your addys, thanks!! :) A bunch of you haven't accepted the invite to the new me yet, so check your inboxes. :)

Good things are happening. My baby girl turns 2 this weekend, my baby boy is aaalmost rolling over onto his tummy, and my mental constipation has loosened up a bit. :D

So check your emails, accept the invites and go take a peek. :)

gmail addys needed

Jot yours down in the comments pls... they are moderated so you're addy won't be published.

parental observation

2 year olds are just short teenagers with speech impediments.

moving along

These past few days have been fairly productive for me. I moved both kids into cloth diapers, set up a clothes line on our balcony and finally finished reupholstering our dining room chairs.

Before (ugh):



And, after:

My main reason for moving the kids to cloth diapers, well, LB really, was because potty training is going NOWHERE. She refuses to sit on her potty, she'll start crying if we plunk her down on it. So, I want her to get the feeling of what peeing her pants really feels like. It's kinda frightening how absorbent disposable diapers are, even though they are so convenient, especially for going out with the kiddies. Buying LB 3 pull-ups cloth diapers cost the same as 128 disposable (non-pull-ups) diapers for her. I know it pays off in the long run... but to get started, especially now with $ stuff being what it is, well it's tricky.

I'd like to get a part-time job, at least, I think I'd like to. I'd probably hate it once I started, because it would have to be an evening/weekend job.
But with Tom's work schedule now, he's often not home till 6:30 or 7 p.m. I really don't think it's going to work right now for us both to have jobs, especially since I'd like one of us to be with the kids, not just leave them with someone else. Not right now.

So since I'm not making any money (sale of random stuff pending) I'm trying to find ways to save money.

1. After today, Tom and I are going to somehow make his lunch for the next day each evening.

2. I'm researching what we can buy at Costco to justify the $50/year membership.

3. Selling a ton of pre-pregnancy clothes at a consignment store, and other random stuff via craigslist.

4. Buying clothes needed only at consignment stores (or Salvation Army or Value Village), especially for the kids, since they grow out of clothes so quickly anyway.

5. Buying bread at local bakery (comparable price and much healthier).

6. Buying fruit and veggies from weekly Farmers' Market. Meat, fish and bread also available. LB and I checked one out on Sunday morning. I think we'll make it a weekly thing.

7. I'd like to get rid of my cell phone but since I'm locked into a contract, I'm going to stick it out and just use it as little as possible. Will be using Skype more often. $35/year gets you unlimited calls to anywhere in North America. Since my parents are a long-distance call, as is my Oma this will come in handy. Especially since I only have 100 daytime minutes/month (unlimited incoming calls). Stupid cell phones. With the $35/year I'll be able to call my bro in the UK for 2.95 c/minute. Sweet.

8. NOT buying a 2nd vehicle for Tom right now. He thought he'd be getting a work vehicle at the end of the month, but now he might not be. I feel like I need my car to be able to take the kids different places other than just where we (LB) can walk. But maybe we can just make a point of having evening outings, even if it's just me and LB going somewhere. A girl I know is selling a deisel VW Jetta that's a year newer than mine... and I'm sorely tempted to buy it and sell mine, but... I love my car. And we're the only owners... and it'll be paid of in February. But maybe I should look into trading. It would help a LOT for when we visit Tom's folks, and my folks.

Hmm.

delusions of grandeur. what a pompous phrase.

found out via i.m.
a few days ago

talk about delusions of grandeur

after all HE dumped ME
9 years and 7 1/2 months ago

i dreamed last night that she has

bad skin, frizzy hair

and frumpy clothes like
Maggie,
Cliff's one-time fiance on Cheers

Part of me believes the engagement happened
because his clock is screaming for kids

Silly.

He must love her.

These past years, I enjoyed showing him
I'm married
I have a daughter
Now a son
The handful of times we saw each other

I caught him watching us once,
and in my mind he was thinking
he wished he was in Tomek's place

I wanted him to see us, the young happy family
of the girl he dumped
and feel
regret.

my head is full

I need to find every way possible to make a little more money, save a lot, and spend as little as possible.

We just got a letter from our strata mgmt company that, pending a vote, in three weeks we will owe over 3 grand to pay for roof repairs. Granted, the roof repairs are on our side of the building. But still... three weeks?

More complaint letters to be written.

there

I’ve been trying to minimize and de-clutter, without actually throwing anything away (recycling, selling, giving away) and it’s not going very well. But the one thing I’ve always hankered for is a room with floor to ceiling bookshelves with books and books and books and books and books…. sigh.

I blogged. Even if it means I just copied and pasted part of a comment I left over at meli-mello.

I started somewhere. And that's where it got me.

I'm on the other side now.

I've had that whirring around in my head for a while now.

neon

picnik!!

And I swore there'd be no photo of me in a bathing suit...

I cropped (my thiewghs) and edited this photo using picnik and I have to say there are 2 really awesome features about it that I've never noticed in other free photo editing sites.

1. the zit-zapper tool. Totally deletes those blasted blems. I used that with wild abandon on this photo.

2. The option to save the photo in it's original proportions after cropping. The program then adjusts the cropping slightly... and you have a wonderfully cropped and easily-printed-without-distortion photo! :)

Thoughts at 3 a.m.

In 2001 (before I met Tom), I was engaged to be married. The reason the guy gave for breaking off the engagement was that he felt that because I was raised in Sc!entology I wasn't a "safe" person to be around. At one point he said something to me to the effect of "if you renounce your religion, we can still be together". I couldn't do that. Things that I learned about in Sc!entology, things that I found to be true to ME, these beliefs are part of me.

And that, in essence, is why I have no patience for any kind of religious intolerance. I was raised in Sc!entology; Tom was raised Roman Catholic. The night we met we discussed both religions. He expressed genuine curiosity in Sc!entology, and he asked me about my experiences with it, what it was to me...

And I think this is an approach more people should start taking towards religions. The trend seems to be to stay away from any and all religions. But why not talk to someone who practices a religion we may have previously disregarded, and open ourselves to their perspective of it?

We might just be surprised to find that there is something about that religion that strikes a chord within us.

Freaky

This afternoon while I napped in my bedroom with my two kiddies, someone was on our balcony. That someone rearranged our balcony furniture and the kids' toys, opened the screen door and closed the glass door.

I was not notified that any work was to be done on our balcony... I didn't even know ANY balcony work was going to be done on our building until I saw the workers yesterday. But there is fresh caulking filling holes in our balcony railing, and a strip of wood with "WET CAULKING" written on it and balanced on my daughter's trike blocking the balcony door, so working they were.

Pissed though I am at the building management company for not notifying me, I went out and apologized for not moving our stuff out of the way for them beforehand. The guy on the ground replied, "too late now". I HATE it when people say snitty things like that, when I don't have to say fuck all to them in the first place. I replied that I had no been notified of the work to be done, otherwise the stuff would have been moved (and I would have been AWAKE). To which the guy replied "don't touch the black stuff" and the other guy on the ladder said "your vinyl (covering our balcony floor) is lifting pretty badly". Thanks for freakin' acknowledging my APOLOGY.

GUH.

Now to write a very pissy letter to the building management company. Guess this mood I've been in is going to come in handy after all.

it's windy i think i'll go fly a kite

For the last, oh say,
3 weeks
(ever since my . should have started)
I have been a horrid horrid
HORRID
pissy bitch.
Constantly pissed off, but contained throughout the day
so as to not take it out on my
daughter who is in the throes of the terrible twos
son who is in the throes of teething.
Some days when Tom came home I felt like
I just blasted him right out the door again.

Horrid.

Still no . .
And no I'm not pregnant.
At least, not according to the test I took yesterday morning.

But I think the pissiness is abating a bit.
How do men endure women? Honestly?
And how do women put up with men?
It's an odd odd world.

My day started by killing a spider.
The apartment is a mess.
3 people are coming to visit today
at 2 separate times.

2 visits = 1 frazzled mommy
maybe I could just subtract the apartment from both sides
and end up with 1 visit and no mommy
I'd blow out of that equation and zoom zoom

here














Three hours of nothing

but trees and mountains
and the occasional tractor
for sale
some cows
and a white dotted line
stretching
into darkness

I drove this road the last 2 weekends
back to back
there are so many great photos to share
maybe later
after I give up on the cleaning.

*this post totally inspired by the awesome radmad*

Pits

LB is one month away from being 2, but I'd still remove the cherry pits before feeding her a cherry. My MIL feels differently, as I found out yesterday. Apparently, last week when LB spent the afternoon with my in-laws, she was being fed whole cherries. She didn't swallow any pits that they saw. But I remember when she spent a few days with them while I was in the hospital with LG, after I got home she had a HUGE upchuck in the middle of the night, covering herself. Within that mess were a bunch of cherry pits.

I think I'm really just never going to change my feelings on leaving my kids with them for longer than a few hours. They raised 2 children, but my MIL does things so differently, and there seems to always be something that I'm appalled at when I find out.

I guess there's only so much common ground to be reached.

Away for the weekend

happy 4th

Funny that I didn't post anything about Canada Day, yet here I am making a post about the 4th. Just wishing all my American blogger friends more peace and prosperity and less war than last year.

because i need a reason to smile

The one thing I like about Macs--photobooth! Taken over a year ago, but still they make me laugh.

LB no longer impressed:

missing her already

LB just left to spend the afternoon with Tom's parents. Her grandma was in a hurry to leave before rush hour got bad, so it was a flurried hug and kiss that I got from LB before she was whisked out the door and down the hall. No tears, just excitement, a loud "bye bye", a big grin, and a wave.

I watched from the balcony as she got into the van, and I called down to her to have fun, she looked up, saw me, grinned, and said "have fun!", and then she was tucked into the car seat and off.

I tried to catch a glimpse of her as they drove away, but the windows are tinted.

If you want to watch a tastefully done feel-good movie with good music and Robin Williams as a bad guy, rent August Rush. I think it will particularly appeal to parents...

I want to do something that brings me happiness--something... something good. Something worthwhile. Something where I can feel ok that 99.9% of my attention isn't split between LB & LG. How do I get over feeling guilty when I need space from them? At the core of my silly self I don't ever want to be apart from LB. The bond with LG is still growing--I love him to bits, but I have a much easier time leaving him with my brother or Tom or his parents than I do with LB.

I'm just stuck.

When I get really angry, I get violent. It doesn't happen too often, but when I feel that rage boiling up inside me, I have to take it out on something. And then I usually end up breaking something and/or hurting myself.

Tonight I went for a walk instead. Meh.

A lot of the time when I'm saying something or writing something or doing something, I think about how it's going to make the person I'm talking to or writing to or doing whatever for feel. A lot. I send photos to Tom's parents of the kids and I'm thinking "She's going to be so happy I sent this. They'll think I'm such a sweet daughter-in-law." I bought my brother a digital camera for his birthday and I was so excited to see him open it because I knew he'd be totally surprised and thrilled and excited... and when one of the first things he says is "ha! I have a better digital camera than you" joking in that 19-year-old fashion of his, I can't take it as a joke. His comment bursts all the good feeling in me that I was doing something really great that he'd like and would make him happy.

I don't always think about how others are going to feel when I'm angry and I say something. The words come out like shrapnel. When I'm saying whatever I think about how I'm going to come across to everyone who can hear me, and think what they will think, will they take my side or think I'm being silly or immature or over-reacting.

This weekend I was playing Mastermind with Tom, and we started with a beginner level, using only 5 colours, each colour once and no empty spaces. I was the codemaker and tried hard to put the green, blue, red, orange and yellow pins in an order he wouldn't consider. His first try, he had three in the right order and the last two were switched. He just had to switch two and he'd be done. It took him 7 turns to guess it and my dad came to watch just as I was putting in 5 black pegs signaling that he had all the right colours in the right spot. I was stifling a smile, thinking that my dad is going to think my husband is clever for having figured it out so quickly.... and then Tom said, "that's what I put on my first try!" I looked back at his first turn, and now the pins were exactly as I'd made my hidden code. I looked like an idiot in front of my dad, I know I did. My dad laughed, and then was impressed that Tom got the right sequence on his first try. I was CERTAIN that he'd just missed by 2 pegs on his first try because I remember being impressed THEN that he had almost solved it when I had tried hard to put the pins in an odd sequence. Tom doesn't cheat. So I must have not seen the pins correctly the first time. But I can't believe that either. I don't think my parents are as proud of me as they are of my brothers. I know my dad was so thrilled and excited when I (the first child) was born.... but I think it's been downhill from there--high school drop-out, haven't yet got a job in the field I chose to study in college, my choice of work that he read in my portfolio (subject: acquaintance rape), surprise pregnancy, surprise marriage, another pregnancy, no work. I do feel like I'm taking my own path and to really be who I think I should be, who I really am at the core of myself, I had to step off the path that my parents laid before us, the path that my brothers are eagerly running along. I dropped off of it when I didn't finish high school. Since then I feel like I've done nothing but shock them. I feel like I've had to make these choices when I did and have these things happen to me when they did. I think it was all the right thing for me, it just totally doesn't mesh with the way the rest of my family lives.

How can I ever be a writer if I feel I have to write honestly but I also feel I have to edit everything knowing my parents are going to read it. I don't want to shock or horrify them more than I already have, but I also don't want to hide what I write that might be out in public.