aa

No, I’m not an alcoholic. The aa I’m talking about was what happened to me this morning, and which I think I can safely refer to as an anxiety attack. Tomek’s alarm went off at 5:15. Why, I don’t know. But it woke me up, and instantly my mind was whirring. Today was the day I would have his parents over from 10 a.m. till who knows how long, because I needed to borrow their van to drive myself to my doctor’s appointment and I needed them to take care of LB while I went. I knew they’d be playing with LB, but I also knew that she’d need a 1 ½ hour nap after I got back from my appointment, and I didn’t know how I’d keep a conversation with them for that long, what I’d give them for lunch… how to entertain them, basically. I so badly wanted to cancel my dr. appointment and tell his parents that the appointment was cancelled but if they wanted to come over later in the afternoon after LB’s nap that was fine.

I couldn’t fall back asleep. And on top of feeling all panicky, I started feeling angry because I was awake and Tomek was sleeping, even though it was his alarm that went off. So at 5:45 I got up and started noisily unloading the dishwasher and washing the few dishes left from the previous night, in preparation for his parents’ arrival. I didn’t want to leave any dishes that his mom might decide to do while I was gone. Tomek asked me why I was so pissed off so I told him how I was feeling—dreading the visit, wanting to cancel the dr. appointment, etc. His reply was It’s not a tragedy.

I clammed up, finished with the dishes and went back to bed, where I cried. And cried. After about 10 minutes, he came in and softly asked me why I was crying. He laid down beside me… and I think he wanted to understand. Or at least wanted to help.

To you, it’s nothing. To me, it’s too much.

We probably won’t ever fully understand each other. Again, it all comes down to love. You loved me enough despite my emotional swings to comfort me, kiss me, hug me, even if I seemed non-responsive at the time, even if I seemed too wrapped up in dreading the morning to come.

Before he left for work, he knelt beside the bed where I was finally drifting back to sleep, rested his head on mine and said It's going to be ok, you'll see. Telling me it would be ok, even though he probably didn't think there was anything for me to worry about, well, that combined with near sleep helped me turn a corner and realize the day couldn't possibly be as horrible as it seemed it would be at 5:15 am.

The dr. appointment went well. Triple screen came back normal, my iron and rubella levels are good, and I’ve gained 7 lbs. Finally. Baby’s heartbeat was a healthy 143 bmp, my uterus measures approx. 24 cm which is right on for how far along I am.

When she was getting the heartbeat, it sounded like it had an extra thump to it, but it turns out we were hearing the baby’s heartbeat and my placenta. Wild.

(And the visit with the in-laws was fine, too.)