is it or isn't it

The grandson. The first grandson. The first grandson of the first son of the only son, to take it back a few generations. That's what everyone seems to be waiting for. It's up to either Tomek or his brother to have a son who will carry on their family name.

It might be all in my head but I feel like it's turned into a competition. On three separate occasions now I've heard that my SIL things my in-laws like me better because I gave them a grand-daughter. And I heard little things in Poland that make me think she's hoping to have a son. THE son. The son that will make them so proud. The son that will carry on the family name. Last time we were visiting Tomek's parents, that thing about my SIL came up, and his dad (who, I know, was drunk at the time) mentioned "waiting" for a grandson.

It wouldn't be a big deal. It wouldn't be eating me up inside like this. I think Tomek thinks I'm silly for fixating on it. And really, it's my own damn fault. I let myself get drawn into the game, into the "competition" of having the first grandson. By now the gender is decided. I badly want to know if I'm having the long-awaited son. If I'm not, I know I won't want to tell his family it's not a son. It's so DAMN stupid. But I have this feeling that my SIL is really REALLY hoping I won't have a son. And that seems kind of warped. Or maybe it's just warped of me to think that she thinks that. Part of me wants to come straight out and ask her about it, ask her if this whole "they like me more" idea she has is true. Because, really, who cares? They are in-laws. Since when did being a daughter-in-law become a competition? But I feel like that's what it has become. And I hate that I've been sucked in. HATE feeling that I'd be disappointed if we're having another girl. That's a fucked up way to think. I know that really, just being me, I'd be happy if we were having another girl. Having two adorable little girls running around would be awesome. I'd like to have a son, too... even things out for Tomek and all... but if I wasn't associated with Tomek's family at all I'd be completely fine with whatever the gender is. But I've been pulled into this game.

And what really freaks me out is that it might just all be in my head.

But I don't think so.