go go go

Yesterday I spent all day cleaning the apartment for the arrival of the in-laws. It looked like a tornado went through here with all of us being sick. I mean, who cleans when they are sick? Ok, so I did yesterday, but I think it did me a lot of good, because I feel almost fine today.

Today I'm packing because we are driving to my parents' place tonight! Yay! Away from the sickies, I hope. Last night I couldn't sleep, and then around 1 a.m. after I'd been thoroughly ravaged and was starting to drift off, LB started coughing. I went to her bed and laid down with her, ready to sit her up if she started gagging. And gag she did. So I carried her out to the kitchen. Puke all you want on the linoleum! But of course, she didn't. She wanted down. Demanded "DOWN!" and ran back to her room, climbed into her bed, and face planted.

Poor kid.

She started coughing again, so I picked her up again and brought her out to the couch, where I sat down and held her in my lap, so she flaked in a sitting position at least. I waited till a while went by and she hadn't coughed, then laid her down in our bed. She said "NO!" and fell asleep again.

That was around 2 a.m. Then at 7 a.m. both of our cell phone alarms went off signaling it's time for Tom to get up for work. Of course, that woke Lily up and she would not go back to sleep.

Guh.

So I got up and actually got them out to the park for an hour and a half. When we got back, Lily went to her room, crawled into bed, tucked the blanket up around herself and fell asleep.

:(

I hope the heat and dryness of the interior fry all the bugs we seem to be living amidst.

Oooh and my parents live by a lake, and it's supposed to be HOT, so beach time here I come!! Don't count on seeing any pics of me in a bathing suit tho. Ha.

I'm excited to see my bro and hope the weekend will contain lots of footbagging and badminton and swimming and photography. :)

2 things

Today I paid $73 for gas and followed a hearse most of the way home.

Is vomituous a word?

If it isn't, it should be. It's the perfect word to summarize last night.

LB has had a cough for the past few days. I'm hesitant to take her to the doctor because they'd probably just give her a cough suppressant. But after last night, maybe that would be a good idea. Her cough isn't bad during the day, and she runs around and plays and yells and coughs a bit, but no gagging. That comes at night. Coughing, gagging on phlegm, then the puking.

We put her to sleep in our bed to keep an eye on her, and to do damage control if she started puking. She fell asleep and we thought we could to. Then, the coughing started. We sat her up to help try to clear things out for her... no luck. And we didn't get her out of the bed fast enough. Tom took her to the change table to clean her up, and she continued to cough and then a LOT came up, all over Tom. And then MORE, all over the change table, Tom, and the carpet.

Tom looked at me, and I looked at him, dripping puke... and I started to gag. Normally I don't have a bad gag reflex when my kids are throwing up, but this time, it was stomach acid and apple and I couldn't deal with it. The room stank. So Tom was left to get in the bath with LB and clean her and himself off. I moved a sleeping LG into her room, into his old cradle which is awaiting pick-up by friends of ours. He kept sleeping. I stripped off the bottom sheet on the bed and used the top sheet as a bottom sheet. Then when LB was out of the bath, I sat her down in front of the tv in her towel on the couch to see if she'd cough up more. She didn't, but she did pee on the couch before I could get a diaper on her. She seemed all right, so I laid down with her in her bed, and she fell asleep. I waited a few minutes, but all seemed well. So I moved a still sleeping LG back to his crib and crawled into our bed. 5 minutes later, more coughing. I ran to her room, sat her up, and she spat up again, on her bed. I handed her off to Tom again and stripped the bed.

.... I can't really remember what happened after that. It was 2:30 am. Eventually she fell asleep and woke up at 8:00, ready for her day. I woke up sick, having finally caught the bug that has been plaguing Tom and LB for the past few days.

So I feel ya, ghost, on the whole puke-o-rama ordeal.

Shhh....

This about sums up the night we had

Poor LB. Her fever was up to 39.2C / 102.5F last night all of a sudden. And LG is stuffed up and coughing... he slept through the night all right though. LB couldn't fall asleep till well after 3 a.m. even though she was SO tired. She kept just wanting us to hold her. And sitting and holding her wouldn't do. We had to stand and hold her. She's 30 lbs. That gets tiring after a while. We broke down and gave her some infant tylenol (ugh) but it took a couple of hours before she finally fully fell asleep. That was after spitting up on our bed, so she and I slept on the pull-out couch and Tom slept on the bed (with minimal bedding) to keep an ear on LG.

Today LB's fever is lower, but I know they tend to spike in the evening. LG is all snotty and coughing, but through it all, he's such a sweetie. He has these coughing fits, and then as soon as he's done he gives me a big dimply grin. Aw.

simmering on low

I'm debating whether or not to tear one of my bros a new somethin' or other.

It's been a long time coming. A combo of both brothers acting selfishly over and over again, not seeing how they could make things easier for or show their thanks to people around them.

But then I wonder if it's just ME being selfish and wanting to feel appreciated and like something I did for them meant something to them. But maybe I did it for me, because by doing something for someone else I feel good. So is it all selfishness in the end?

I don't know.

I've been searching and researching to find a good and relatively inexpensive digital camera to get my bro S for his birthday. Lots and lots of research and searching... and some frustration. Then, today, I posted on LB&LG's blog (let me know if you want the addy... I don't link to it directly from here because it's more of a family blog) photos from S's grad festivities, including ONE photo that I took of him and his Prom date, and told him the photos were up. He emailed me and said, "Aw F*CK NO".... followed by links to DIFFERENT shots of him and his date, shots that were professionally taken... by my other brother. Haha.

I feel MORE than miffed that he's so offended by the photo I took of him and her. That he thinks its SO bad that he wants me to take it off the blog. As of yet, I haven't replied to the email OR taken the photo down.

I was very close to emailing him back my own version of an email filled with all caps swear words... and I still might.

I don't know.

What I do know is that tzatziki and tea do NOT go well together in my tummy. Urgh.

a silent monday

hand-carved elephants from Africa

The best joke EVAR

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing, it just gave a little whine.

...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

:D

What exactly, I don't know

I feel like this week I got shit together on so many levels--I've kept the dishes under control, kept the dining room table (mostly) cleared off, beds made... the apartment is tidier than its been EVER. I think this is largely due to people visiting. So I'm grateful for the company, and for the nudge to get shit put away. I've still got a long way to go. We have major clothes overload in our room. We have stuff piled up in front of our closet that will soon be as high and as wide as all the stuff IN our closet if we don't make a few dozen Salvation Army store donations soon. And the desk is still filled with crap, the bookshelf in our room is ready to explode, as are the two in the living room... and the clothes in LB's room.... Agh. A huge box filled with out-grown clothes that I'm hanging on to to give to someone I know... when, I don't know and the dresser is piled high with clothes we just received for LG from 2 moms who have sons older than he is. We're really lucky with the amount of hand-me-down clothes we are receiving.

I have things pretty under control planning-wise for Fathers Day. I had 2 brilliant ideas that I'm quite proud of.... but can't share yet. :)

Summer hasn't fully arrived here yet--is that nuts or what? Summer solstice (and someone's WEDDING) is less than two weeks away, and we haven't had a streak of hot weather yet. It's been cloudy and off-and-on rain since the beginning of June. July and August are supposed to be horridly hot though...

OH MY $#%#@$^$@%^

I've been reduced to talking about the weather on my blog.

*sob*

He's a dream

Funny how one phone call can change a mood

I've been feeling all weird, like I'm in some mental limbo lately. But just now, my friend A called and we are going to meet up tomorrow after almost 2 weeks of not seeing each other. It's funny how we met, actually. She's a local mom, just lives a 5 minute walk from me, so we frequent the same park. We started talking at the sandbox after her son S tried to feed LB a pine cone. We'd see each other now and again at the park for the next two weeks after that, and then one Monday after I came back from a week in Kelowna, she came up to me (at the park, of course) and asked if LB and LG and I would like to join her and S in going to these little morning activities for kids they have around here--pre-pre-school type of things. I don't have the car, which was part of the reason she asked me... I think, to help me out. The next morning we squeezed my 2 car seats on either side of S's and we were off. We went out 3 times that week and a few times each of the following weeks. The week before last we had a play date over at their home... LB and S seem to like each other fairly well, although S is much more outgoing. So that blows LB away sometimes. But I'm really enjoying getting together with A. We talk easily, all the time... and we are similar in interesting ways. She's started her own home-based business; I want to. She's from Ontario; so am I. She has a degree in English lit; I have a diploma in writing. We were both married on stormy February days. And we are both the no-make up, pulled-back-hair, jeans-sweatshirts&sneakers type. :) I've lost touch with close friends from high school and now from college... although I do have a lot of good friends online. :) It's nice to know another mom that I'm friends with and our kids get along.

I know another mom, her hubby and Tom are old friends from high school, and they have a 1 year old son... but whenever she and I meet up, it's kind of all cautious and awkward. You know? There's no instant 'click'. She's supposed to be stopping by today actually, to pick up some old baby clothes for a friend of hers. Our last meeting fell through; she didn't show up, didn't call or email or anything until a couple of days later... so we'll see about this one.

Tomorrow my friend N (married to another of Tom's hs buddies) is stopping by and we are going to have one of our Costco adventures. She doesn't have any kids yet, but LB has really taken to her, and N is awesome with LG, too. She came over the first day I spent home alone with the 2 of them, and if she hadn't been there... wow. LB was super clingy, so N had to feed and take care of LG basically. And she just comes over from 45 min-1hr drive away, feeds me, plays with Lily and just balances me out when things get hairy.

So I guess the sudden realization that I do have friends, coupled with my recent ability to keep on top of the laundry, vacuuming, dishes, meals, baths, diapers, etc. really picked me up out of this funk I've been in. I feel... happy.

Sigh

If only...

on being cryptic

Phil's comment to my last post got me thinking about being cryptic in my own writing. I'm relieved to know the reason behind some of his posts... all those that I had no idea how to comment on, and therefore, didn't. To know that they actually stand for something... I'm more likely to dig in and try to pull some meaning out of it.

I think I've always been this way--even now when I do crosswords and there is one word tripping me up, one word that I'm unsure of that is making it impossible to complete the puzzle, I am the one who flips impatiently to the back of the book to see if I'm right or not.

Recently, my brother, D, who is moving to the UK soon, gave me two boxes of his books. I'd forgotten about so many of them, and am THRILLED that he gave them to me. Included in one of the boxes are Usborne Puzzle Adventure books. I can remember reading these books and flipping to the hints or answers page when a particular page was taking me too long to figure out. I just wanted to get on with it and finish the book.

What I'm trying to say is that Phil has inspired me to look at things differently. To approach puzzles and cryptic things with more patience, and to try using that style of writing here, when things get so that I can't just write about them.

Here's something mildly cryptic that I wrote back in 2005...

Wish

Little Silver Dragons
Like Sucking Dynamite
Living Simply Dumb
Love Someone Dangerous
Lightning Strikes me Dead
Leaving Smarter Devils

Live Some Dream
Lacking Sense Desirous
Laughter, Spiting Death
Late, Stumbling Drunk
Leaving, She's Delirious

Make a wish.

Nuptials On a Luscious Scented Desert

He'll shrug and walk away.

back

(moved to write largely due to finding starz again)

I survived 4 days in Oregon, approximately 800 miles driven with 2 kiddies, and 2 border crossings (shudder).

On the drive back I was listening to Great Big Sea, The Boss, and Tom Petty... and man, my thoughts were flowing and I was just cruising along in them (and on the I-5) and I had SO much I wanted to write about, so much inspiration... the biggest being a line from one song:

How do we get from saying I love you to I'll see you around someday?

I was really wondering that while in Oregon, because, well, I spent 5 years of my life there and while I know I could never ever permanently live in the States (ducks flying Texan tacos), a lot of memories surfaced again while I was there... and it's hard to leave that behind... this time knowing it'll probably be years and years before I go down there again. I was at my old high school, you see, and my youngest brother just graduated. I thought about making a trip down every few years with him to the alumni weekend they hold, but back when I was a student, alumni weekend was for graduates only, not drop outs. And that's what I am. So, I don't feel like an alumnus and I certainly don't feel I'd fit among all those graduates. Sigh.

But back to that line from the song... commencement was the final activity of the weekend, and during the graduates speeches, I was wondering precisely how do do that. I dated a guy for a year while I was at that school, and he's still there, a teacher... this December 8th will mark a decade since the day he dumped me. I don't know what he thinks of me anymore, we went from not speaking and me feeling like I'd never ever ever love again... to an amicable "friendship". I put that in quotes because I am not one of those people who can be genuine friends with my exes. Not a chance in hell. But this guy, we hug when we see each other, and smile a lot... and I don't know where I'm going with this. I DO know that I don't want to hurt my hubby by anything I might write... but it's so hard to be honest and write when I know that if I write totally honestly about all the shit I want to write about, I may very well end up hurting someone. My family, basically. I've already done that. It wasn't nice to hear what my dad had to say, to see the look on his face... to KNOW that I could have not shared that one piece of writing--the piece that I felt was one of the best I'd ever written.

Anyway, during commencement I knew I'd be saying a pretty much final good bye to that guy... and I was trying to figure out what to say so that I'd feel at peace about the last 11 years I've known him. So that he'd know how I'd felt, how I feel (which I'm still trying to figure out how to put into words) and... well, he passed me as he was leaving and said good-bye and I said I didn't know when and if I'd be around again so--- and I couldn't think of any way to say what I thought I'd be saying. So we smiled and he walked on. But our eyes DID meet before he left... and I felt like maybe I don't need to say anything. Maybe he understands. Maybe he knows that while I would not change how my life is now, I would never change who I'm with, I still think he is a really great guy. Special. Just...

Bugger.

Gone

I've been meaning to write about this for a couple of weeks, but I haven't been able to. Tom did on his blog... but every time I think about it my chest starts to hurt...

One of Tom's co-workers got shot in the head a couple of weeks ago. He died, needless to say. He was Tom's age. He had a wife my age. And a son LB's age. I'd seen the guy at the last company Christmas party, seen him, and his wife, and his son had come over to play with LB. Now his son doesn't have a Daddy anymore. He got shot outside of a strip club. What he was doing there, I don't know. The newspaper article refers to him as a "gang associate". I just remember him as a big burly Russian with lots of facial hair. He looked like a friendly bear to me, the way his grin flashed out every now and then. I didn't talk to him or his wife at the party, I don't think. I'm just shy like that I guess.

He was murdered, and the cops apparently have no leads, even though there were lots of witnesses. I think about it all sometimes, and imagine being in his wife's place, like I imagined being in Michelle William's place when Heath Ledger died. It's heartbreaking... to think of those little kids never getting to know their Daddy.

And it's frightening to me, to think that I was that close to him, hell, Tom worked with him... and someone killed him. Gang violence is on the rise here, and I've been clueless. It was only once I met Tom and he pointed it out to me that I started noticing drug deals going down. Now I see them in my neighbourhood all the time. I was walking through the park this weekend with Lily and there were 2 guys at a picnic table with mean looking dogs OFF their leashes. We're talking pit bull-bull dog mixes or something. To me, youngish guys acting shifty who have mean-looking dogs just scream "dealer". Or dealer-wannabe anyway.

And I could go right into how I had to confront another guy and his girlfriend who had a huge rottweiler off it's leash right by the playground where around 15 little kids were running around screaming and playing. She was sneering at all the older folks who were looking at them in disgust as they lounged on a picnic table and let the dog wander. So I called her on it and said that having such a large dog off it's leash so close to a playground makes us parents nervous for our kids. The dude just shrugged and said "people stereotype". Hello? Don't those dogs have a tendency towards vicious behaviour? And you never can tell what could set a dog off.. really, with all the demand for dogs and all the inbreeding... we never knew our dog had epilepsy till he bit me. Bah. Stupid people. I told him there was lots more space farther up the park where there weren't kids and he made a motion like he hadn't heard me so I repeated myself and he just shrugged and said we'll only be here for a few more minutes. I said again that it made us nervous for our kids (just to get some kind of lame last word in)... trying to sound mature when I really just wanted to tear the guy a new asshole. But I can never do that in the heat of the moment. It's always after I'm home that I start to shake and all these things I should have said come to me. But they did keep the dog closer to them, maybe by stepping on his leash, and they left about 10 minutes later.

I try to be peaceful and nice to others and just treat others the way I'd want to be treated and sometimes I wonder what's the point if so many others are just out to get what they can and don't care who they hurt in the process, don't care how they make others feel as long as they protect their image.

Because sometimes I wonder...

I'm one of the only stay-at-home moms I know. Sometimes I feel lame because I don't have a job and I'm not contributing financially to our family's well-being. Sometimes I lump everything I do in a day into the phrase "stay at home with the kids".

But that's not fair to myself. Today, I took note of what I did... and I surprised myself.

My day started with going to bed around 1 a.m. after spending some time with Tom who didn't get home from work till around 11:30 p.m. On Sunday. Yes. Sucky.

Then...

Up at 6:45 to feed LG—LB got up at 7:15. Prepped Tom 2 chicken salad sandwiches to go with the salad I made the night before. Made LB a breakfast of whole-grain oatmeal with apple chunks, changed diapers, dressed the kids, packed the diaper bag, and got the kids in the car and off to Circle of Friends by 9 a.m. Getting there included the drive, and then carrying LG in his car seat (about 20 lbs all together) and the diaper bag and holding LB’s hand as we walked a block and then through a school. Followed LB around and played, did puzzles, coloured and read books till nearly 11 a.m.

Home a little after 11, LB fell asleep in the car—carried her (30lbs) in one arm and LG and his car seat (20lbs) and the diaper bag back up to the apartment. Ate lunch, caught up on some e-mails, fed LG, LB woke up at 1230, fed her a lunch of chicken salad on squirrely bread. Played with LB, put a load of laundry in, made butterscotch pudding and then off to the park at 1:30.

At the park, I watched LB as she climbed, played in the sandbox with her and and pushed her on the swing. Back home in a hurry at 3:00 with a hungry baby. Fed LG, had a snack with LB, watched 1 hour of TV with LB (aka mommy’s down time), made another batch of formula, changed the laundry loads and folded laundry, changed LB’s bed sheets, coloured with LB and then strapped LG into the Snugli, LB into the stroller and went to Safeway to get groceries, the bakery to get bread and the dollar store to get more bubble soap. Back home, emptied the dishwasher, prepped a dinner of chicken, rice and steamed carrots.

Now it's 6:50 p.m. LB and I have both had dinner and she is busy dusting everything in sight with our fuzzy duster. LG is sleeping but should be up soon for another meal. LB's bed time is 9:30, but we'll see if she falls asleep easily without Tom being home. He's working late tonight, which means he probably won't be home much before midnight.

I can't imagine how all the moms who also work full-time do it! Right now I'm feeling very lucky that I'm able to stay at home with our kids rather than spending 1/2 of my pay cheque each month for someone else to care for them. So really who cares that I don't make money.... cuddles from my daughter and giggles from my son are worth more than any pay cheque! :)

bite me

blog by hand

I was reading Ophelia and there was a mention of handwriting, and that got me thinking about your handwriting, and mine. I have a few books by a poet by the name of Tim Lander, and I intend to copy his layout style for my own little poetry book. In the intro, he writes "For me handwriting is like live reading - see the hand of the poet, hear the voice of the poet". All I'll say is that his books are handwritten (photocopied), and bound by hand as well. I love it. I love his poetry, and how he presented it.

Then I got to thinking about this blog, and decided to write an entry by hand, and then upload the photo. I'll admit I wanted to restart once I started writing... I felt the words weren't coming out well, and my hand wasn't writing well. But I didn't.

And here it is (click to enlarge):
Play along if you'd like.

our little bunny

meant to be

Tomek and I were in the local grocery store parking lot, wheeling the buggy towards the door, when we saw a young woman coming towards us holding two round watermelons against her chest.

I glanced at Tomek, and tried unsuccessfully not to smile as I whispered "nice--". I cut myself short because the woman was close enough that she might have been able to overhear. And I'm a prude at odd times.

He grinned back and said, "I was just going to say the same thing".