a subtle pressure

I took a pregnancy test yesterday morning. Yes it was possible I could have been pregnant. What made me wonder the most was the overwhelming car-sickness I've been feeling most evenings. So I took a test.

I'm not pregnant.

With that fact now known, I started taking an honest look at my --HOLY CRAP

I just turned away because LB was beside me, and she's been playing with a roll of tape, so I'd given her a ball of tape, sticky side out to see what she'd do with it. And she was standing beside me looking at this roll of tape in her hand, and I realized I couldn't feel the warm pressure of her hand as she leaned against me. SHE WAS STANDING ON HER OWN. And as I watched and realized she was standing there on her own, she slowly crouched her knees and sat down on her bum, still busily inspecting this sticky thing that won't let go of her hand.

!!!! my baby is amazing !!!!

That said, and since she is still busy with the tape ball, I'll continue with my original subject: having more kids. I already feel a pressure from Tom's parents, although they mostly talk about it when TOm's brother is there, too. When will they have a grandSON. They have a grand-daughter, now they need a grandson. It's no serious pressure, but it's one I feel anyway. I always thought I'd have 3 children like my mom did, and didn't want to have an only child because I thought kids were better off with siblings. MUCH better off. But how I felt after LB was born is still burned into me. And I'm still recovering and slowly regaining whatever it was that went away when she was born. Its not anything I can really label. Just a feeling inside me that things aren't the same. Something is missing. I'm not as strong as I once was, not as able. Maybe thinking makes it so, but I don't believe that is the case here.

Now that I know I'm not pregnant, I think that I might not have any more children. I might, I don't want to say definitely yet. I don't want Tom to get snipped at such a young age because I think that's stupid. And I do feel a certain competition with Tom's brother, he's just the kind of person that brings that out in me--I'd like to beat him in something. Well, I already did since we gave his parents their first grandchild. But I shouldn't even be looking at it as a competition. That in itself is stupid of me, I know. But he has this teasing, cocky attitude and says things about women that while joking, are so sexist that I want to shove a shooter down his throat sometimes. But when I compare that feeling to the feelings I have that have stemmed from giving birth and taking care of LB each day... and the general tiredness I can't shake, I know right now... having another child would not be easy on me.