I think LB has figured out something is different with me. That, and I think she's at a stage where she's jealous of Tomek giving me more attention that he's giving her. Either way, tonight she gave me attitude. Real attitude. As in, taking swipes at me with her chubby little hands. I don't hit back. I don't see myself ever hitting any child of ours, or spanking them, ever. Ever EVER. The first time she gave me a slap, I think it was after I asked her not to do something... well, she slapped at me and then ran to Daddy. He told her repeatedly not to hit me and to give me a kiss. Which she finally did. But the second time, later in the evening, she wasn't coming near me for anything. When I put her in my lap facing me to see what was up, she started crying like I was hurting her and reached for her Daddy. He told her to give me a kiss and she, sobbing, said "nooo!!" and almost fell off me in her desperate attempt to get away from me and into his arms.
What the hell.
She did come to give me kisses later.... maybe she was just feeding off the crappy way I was feeling tonight, just drained and blah and not particularly responsive to anything. I know it's bothering her that she comes to me and reaches up, saying "up" and I can't lift her, so mostly I don't. That makes her cry. I think I mentioned that in my last post. Well, it bugs me.
Just like all the thoughts of a needle in my spine, scalpel through my belly, drugs to make me groggy, numb, puke, sick, the possibility of a whole lot of my blood being spilled, having to look at my stapled tummy afterward, not being able to give LB all the attention I can now as she is our only child... just like they all bug me.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
is this where the unconditional love ends?
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9 comments:
so, you're not going to spank huh?
can i ask why? i spank my children when they get out of line. i would never hit one of them in anger, but i'm a firm believer in the belt when they are misbehaving. i was raised the same. when my brother and i got out of line, we were whooped. worked for us.
i'm just curious.
I think there's a lot of different little things that contributed to my decision on this. (btw I think Tomek feels more the way you do.) First I can remember the fear I felt the few times I got spanked as my dad led me down the basement stairs to the old couch. I also don't think that doing something bad (something that warrants punishment) should equal a slap on the ass, be it with hand or belt. Honestly I don't know if I was actually ever spanked at all. I remember the feeling leading up to when I should have been spanked, but not the actual spanking. In my family, punishment was in the form of work. Wash the walls, scrub this floor--if we drew on the walls with crayon we stood there and scrubbed till it came off. To me, this is enough--let the kid undo the damage they did, or take some action to righten things in some way. I think in the long run that is more effective than being spanked. But maybe this idea works better on girls, and boys are a whole different story. But frankly I canNOT see myself ever raising a belt against a child.
part 2: I know we weren't always willing to make things right right after doing something bad, and I think during those times we were sent to our rooms, not allowed outside to play, that kind of thing. And in the summer, that SUCKED.
Maybe this is because I work with so many children who just aren't from good situations. . .
but sometimes I wonder how else I can get a message through to these kids without spanking them.
Obviously, I never would, they're not mine, and it isn't my place or my job to be the disciplinarian.
My mom tells me that we were always so terrified by the threat of being spanked that we had managed to punish ourselves enough before she got around to actually spanking us (they believed that whoopin's should never be in anger, so there was a cooling down period).
That said, the threats were genuine, and backed up by the occasional spanking.
I love my parents so much, but I'm a better person for the spankings.
Of course, starting at about this age, it gets tough. The gap between what toddlers WANT to understand and what the DO understand is large, and it takes me to the brink of patience every day.
But Lily has a better mom and dad than all of my children. That's for sure.
D and I have different views on "spanking" as well. I feel like sometimes, just like adults, kids need to cool off after getting upset/frustrated. Maybe taking a timeout even if it's just for 30 seconds or a minute. What are your thoughts on that approach?
kat: I'm sure right now I have an idealized plan of how I'm going to discipline LB and LG... time will only tell if I resort to spanking. LB's only just reached the age where discipline is needed. Do time outs work for the kids you work with? As for what the kids WANT to and DO understand--well, kids are clever. I think sometimes LB just pretends not to understand me because she doesn't want to do what I'm asking her to do. She used to LOVE it when we asked her to give us something or bring us something because she always got a big thank you and a hug. Now, if she doesn't want to, she's not going to. And she puts up a fuss sometimes if we guide her to get her to do what we've asked. It's tricky. Parenting is such an individual thing. Each kid is different, each parent is different. But I really feel for you and trying to deal with difficult children all day. I hope things get easier and it doesn't lead to you not wanting to have children. Because you know yours will be too sweet for words. :)
robynn: I totally agree with time-outs. I haven't used them yet with LB because I don't think she'd understand yet. But she's talking more and more each day, so time will tell. But yes, I think a cool-off period works just as well on kids as on adults... but again, I havent actually had to TRY any of this on LB yet, only little disciplenary measures like getting her to put my books back when she takes them off the shelf.
I don't like to spank Elayne, either, and have found that spanking and slaps on the wrist aren't as effective as I thought they would be. She's stubborn, and I find that hitting her only teaches her to hit - Which isn't good.
Elayne has also slapped my face, and I found the most effective way to deal with it is to say "Time Out" and sit her on her bum in the middle of the floor and then ignoring her. Just the act of moving her away from me makes her cry because she knows that she's in trouble. After about a few minutes she will walk over to me for a hug and a kiss and is then well behaved again. I think you could probably try the same thing with Lily and have some success. She'll understand that you're not happy and you don't want to see her, and that will make her feel bad.
And even though her treating you the way that she is isn't acceptable, I am sure you can see why. She's gone from having you able to lift her and be totally focused on her, and now there's a new baby, and you're worried about the c-section, and your attention is a little divided. Daddy gets to be the good guy in her eyes because he's not physically limited like you are, and not under the same stress as you. I think it's always hard on a kid when a new baby comes, but she'll adjust when he arrives and will be your little helper.
Good luck.
And yes, c-sections aren't fun, but you will be okay and you'll have a healthy baby boy.
yea, that must be hard for you. Hopefully its just a phase. Everytime she does it explain that it is wrong.
I LOVE the timeout corner. It works. MAybe not when they get older, but for now.
Time outs. . . .
I would say that 80% of the time, they're ineffective. Of course, that's mostly because we're required to only leave them in time outs for as many minutes as they are years old. (Lily would have about 90 seconds of time out).
It also doesn't help us that the time out corner is in the same room with all of our toys and activities, so the children being punished are really only entertained by the other kids playing and being silly.
Of course, many of the kids I work with (in my opinion) are almost beyond help, so maybe some very consistent time outs might help your situation.
In my experience, consistency is the BIGGEST factor in seeing kids through tough times.
You're right, that kids. . .even ones as young as Lily are very clever when it comes to selective hearing. Every day, I'm amazed at how they can hear me announce snack time, but NEVER seem to hear me when I'm asking them to tidy up.
Wouldn't life be easier if we could just ignore the unpleasant things?
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