Just some thoughts as everyone is out, LB & LG are sleeping...
I found out who I got my round chin from, and my wavy hair... if both can be said to be "from" someone.
I really want to buy mindbomb.
I spend far too much time looking backwards. Back into the past, particularly back to people I used to know. Sometimes this includes ex-boyfriends. Not that I ever wish I was with any of them rather than who I'm with now. There are good reasons I'm not with them and even better reasons for why I am with Tomek. But as the end of the month looms, when I'll be heading back one final time to my old high school... I wonder about who I might see and who I know I'll see. I can't let myself have regrets for how I acted when I was 17. What's the point? But I can't help wonder if I'd acted differently would everything be different now? What changes would have changed everything? Maybe if I'd wanted to stay there, things would have been different. Maybe if I'd felt I could live in the states for the rest of my life, maybe if I liked football...
But none of that is true. None of that could have happened with me still being ME. I had to fuck up and around a lot to get to where I am now. And I'm still doing things that I'm sure would make my parents smack themselves in the forehead, but.... this is me.
It's me who last year wondered, when I caught my ex-bf from 10 years ago watching LB, Tomek and I play on the lawn at my old high school, does he wish he was in Tomek's place? Would it make me feel good to know on some level he did? Yes. I'm vain. Ok.
But all I have to do to quell these what-ifs is to look at LB and LG's gorgeous little faces and know that no other couple could have brought them into the world than Me and Tomek. Period.
So no, I wouldn't have things any other way. Because any other way would mean no them, and no Me and Tomek. And that just wouldn't do.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
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4 comments:
I love the last few lines. It's odd being contacted by some of your ex's isn't it? You do wonder "what if", then, just as you said, look at those beautiful babies and know that you made the right decision.
then the old stuff, the old people, the old boys dont matter. its not about where we came from, phx. its about where were going. you gotta cut the past and look forward. trust me on this. i know.
I don't look back much - even what happened two minutes ago is as equally in the past as what happened ten years ago.
We get to put a hold on time when we compose posts and replies in blogland because they only go into the past when you hit the post/publish button. But even that isn't wholly true, everything I've written above is in the past although I can still change it. Oh wait, now I
I don't think it's vain to hope that old flames still have a "thing" for you, or to hope that they wish things had been different. It seems like human nature, to me.
The ones who I'm "over" and don't ever cross my mind, I find I don't care if they wonder about me or not, but the ones I wonder about, I secretly hope they wonder about me, too. (Even if I was a wench).
Or maybe I am just vain, too? ;)
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