I need to start

What though. And how. Now that I'm going in a forward direction, swelling belly first, and with my newfound disgust for marketing, I'm more unsure than ever of what I'm going to do with my life. I mean, I'm very happily married now, little bean is on the way, and I'm draggin ass through each day of work to get to the time where I can drive through rush hour to an empty apartment and kill 6 hours till Tomek gets home, tired and dirty, from yet another 14 hour work day. The work I'm doing is getting more interesting now that I'm working with stats. MUCH better than marketing. Now that I've seen how all the marketing folks and sales reps in my company are, how they have to act and how some of them have to basically be a brand, I don't want anything to do with it. When I was in my final year of a college writing program, a job in marketing was like the brightest light at the end of the tunnel. But marketing... is advertising. At least, the creation of advertising. Now that I see all the behind the scenes stuff that goes on to get people to buy this wine over that wine... it's just dumb. Especially if you specialize in one brand. Then you basically become a walking advertisement. Who would enjoy that? Really. Numbers are becoming more and more interesting to me than words. Not that I'm going to give up writing, not at all. But numbers are so much more... honest. I guess they aren't really. You can skew numbers any which way. But true stats are what will tell the most about how something is doing. No gimmicks no games.

Anyway, I seem to have become yet another person who will not use or apply their college learning in the work they do. And as for my dreams of tutoring, well I'm so disillusioned with the tutoring I'm doing now. I don't enjoy it. I don't feel like I'm getting a product. I think it's impossible to tutor someone who is going through the public school system because what they are learning is changing constantly, and by the time I meet up with them for that once-a-week appointment, they are already working on something completely different from the week before. Even in 4th grade, the bounce around from fractions to geometry to word problems to graphs. It's nuts. And they don't have math books anymore. Not my student anyway. She only ever brings home the sheets she is most recently working on. And she's bright so she mostly gets the stuff, but there is some earlier stuff like fractions I know she isn't getting and no matter how many times I try to help, it just goes out the window because she's not studying that in school that week. Her mom did ask me to help her make her writing more descriptive, but... I don't know. I just feel totally uninspired and like I don't want to tutor anymore.

I'm fairly content puttering around here trying to figure out where we are going to put all the baby stuff (in our one-bedroom apartment), doing some cleaning, cooking, reading... but after a few hours I start going stir-crazy. And then when Tomek comes home, he just wants to chill and check his email etc., and have some relaxing time, so I end up going to bed while he catches up on computer stuff.

Maybe once I start taking prenatal aerobics and swimming classes I'll meet more people and feel better. I thought I had really connected with this one girl, about education because she is a teacher in training and we have similar views on the whole Ritalin/mental disorder epidemic, but... we don't hang out. She sleeps around a lot it turns out and I've never been like that, so that's not something I could really talk to her about or relate to at all.

Maybe I'm too picky.

On Saturday night Tomek and I went to N & W's for dinner and scrabble as a fundraiser N is doing for her work. There was another couple there too, and the girl is 8 months pregnant, and ... well, I thought I dressed nicely, but I felt like total frump grump next to her. She really does act blonde. No offense to any blondes that might read this (moi)... but she acted like a model dumb blonde. And Tomek thought she was "cute". She had the perfect make up, cute hair, top that showed off her boobs and her round belly, tight pants, cool jewelery, and when she left she put on some nice big stiletto boots, and I'm sitting there in my cords and my sweater... and I couldn't get into the conversation--it was all these witty remarks flying around and Tomek totally got into it plus they sat us at opposite ends of the table and he was drinking so I was basically alone and it was miserable. We did team up when we played Scrabble but that was just not that fun.

Maybe I'm too moody.

I just feel like I don't have any career direction, this job is just making me more stupid, my writing skills are going to shit, I hardly have any friends, and I kind of feel alone. Boo hoo.

I hate sounding pathetic. and I'd like to blame it on the pregnancy hormones but it's more than that. I've lost my drive to do anything other than make sure this baby is healthy and do everything I can so that the birth goes all right and there are no problems and that I can keep it alive. I don't know the first thing about nutrition or how long to breast feed or anything. I couldn't even tell you the difference between a carb and protein. Don't they both give you energy? I don't know. I ate grapes today thinking I was eating healthy, and then it turns out they are full of sugar and my liver is already overworked so eating sugar is not a good idea but I'm already addicted to jelly beans and chocolate and popsicles.

I cried Saturday night and I had no idea why I was crying. I just felt so sad. And I wanted Tomek to make love to me. So he did and then I felt better. It was weird, having my mood change because of that. I don't think he misses me at all or feels like we don't spend enough time together, but maybe it's because I'm so much more idle than he is in the evenings.

I wish I had gone to school and learned a tangible skill. Like drafting or something. But the next person to go to school, when we can afford it, will be Tomek. I want him to follow his dreams of working in linguistics. He's so talented in language, there is no way he should have to work in alarm installation forever. I mean, it's a good trade, a good skill and he's talented at what he does... but he works with nimrods and constantly is getting filthy or being cold, and it's just not where he belongs.

Maybe I need to find a job I can do online. But how can anything online be worthwhile. What is worthwhile. I don't know. I think I'm going to go cry now.