a restless longing

I thought I was feeling disgruntled. The dictionary led me to discontent. A restless longing for better circumstances.

Detached.

What an odd-looking word.

I feel like I've cut myself off from someone I should be close to. I just don't have the energy to think, to create, to try. Marriage should never ever be left on autopilot. Ever.

But I think that's where ours stands right now. The love is there, but there's a connection that's gone slack. Maybe the I-lost-track-of-how-many-weeks-of complete lack of intimacy of any kind is slowly taking it's toll on us. Sometimes when there's no energy left at the end of a day, the heat that grows in a shared bed creates it's own... and love moves us in it's own rhythm, strengthening... something.

Also, we are just both doing our own thing. He's working, stressing, completely overwhelmed with not much time for anything else, not much time to think of anything else. I know it's temporary, I know it won't last.

I know my life isn't hard. But I envy him in his busyness. My life is probably too simple. I'm raising LB. I cook, occasionally. I'm growing another LB. I do laundry, dishes, dusting, vacuuming. Nothing to challenging or physically or mentally demanding. But the repetition of being home each day is starting to mess with me. Going out to get groceries isn't enough of an escape anymore.

My heartstrings feel like tightrope wires.

I wish he'd hugged me yesterday.