Battle won, battle lost

Each night is a new night--when will LB fall asleep, how much work will it take to get her there, or will she fall asleep on her own?

It's a brutal cycle. We start out great, getting up at 9:30a.m. and she's asleep by 11p.m. But then the times get shifted, and in a matter of days, our wake up time has shifted to 11:30... and her bedtime is 1:00 or later. I blame myself. I haven't been able to discipline myself to get up earlier. Even for the first few days, if she didn't go to bed till 1a.m. and I got up at 8:30a.m. with one feeding inbetween, that's still 7 hours of sleep. Plenty. Even without caffeine. Or so I think. I never used to be a heavy sleeper, but these days, these mornings, I feel like I am made of stone. I can't do more than bring LB to me when she wakes up, and make sure I'm protecting her from falling off the bed.

Tonight I tried a different tactic. One I hate. But Tomek can't take these late nights--he almost always stays up with me, even though he has to wake up at 6 a.m. each morning. Tonight I put her in her bed while she was still awake. Tomek says we should just let her cry and eventually she'll fall asleep. Sounds true enough, but I cannot sleep until I know she is a) safely asleep and b) warmly covered with blankets. I can't. I don't know how he fell asleep tonight with her still crying.

I put her down while she was awake last night, too, and it worked great. She dozed right off all on her own. Tonight didn't work so well. She was quiet for a bit, gave some tired cries that rapidly progressed into a full on holler. I let her cry for a few minutes then went in and tried to soothe her without getting her out of her crib. I left, she started crying again. I waited a few minutes and went back in again. She was flipped around 180 degrees and on her stomach. I rightened her, put her back on her back, and left again. She started to cry as soon as she couldn't see me again. I waited a few minutes, and back in again. She quieted for a bit once she got her thumb in her mouth and I was rubbing her back. I left again. Her cries got unbearable. So she won. I got her out of her crib, she was all teary and sweaty. We went to the living room and I nursed her. Within 5 minutes she was asleep. Back into her crib, tucked in, and now I'm the only one left awake.

I know I shouldn't use my boob to put her to sleep. I know we should be going to sleep earlier. But every morning, every evening is a battle. And it looks like I lost out both times today.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.