I want to thank all of your for all your uplifting, congratulatory and complimentary comments over the last three weeks. They have all been bright spots in a very new life that I am slowly getting used to.
My relationship with Lily is different than I imagined it to be, mostly because a lot of the time I still don't understand why she is crying. Sometimes I hit it bang on, and do just the right thing, but other nights, like last night, I just listen to her cry and cry and cry and want to cry myself. Walking calms her down but so often I'm too wiped to push a stroller or strap on the Snugli. And in some sense, she is kind of a stranger to me. As I'm sure I am to her. 
Happiness comes when she falls asleep with a coo on my chest. But mostly it's a lot of feeling lonely and tired and trying completely unsuccessfully to pack the rest of our apartment.
We are moving this weekend so Tomek has been at our new place each night this week and last weekend, working on fixing the place up a bit and getting it painted. So I have to keep in mind that under normal circumstances he would be here each evening to help with her, to join me on walks, to do a bit of this or that that needs to be done. My mom was here for 2 weeks helping me out enormously. She packed most of our apartment, kept me fed, took Lily for walks so I could sleep, did the dishes and laundry, brought me water while I was breast-feeding... but she left yesterday afternoon. So now I guess the loneliness is a bit more acute. And that she and Tomek and Lily and I were sharing a one-bedroom apartment effectively strained Tomek and my mom's relationship almost to breaking point. Turns out they almost always had very different ideas of what to do when Lily was crying... and my mom is not one to be intrusive so when her ideas were met with different ideas, she was very quick to back off and retreat to the bedroom. I've never experienced the feeling of two of the people I love the most, and two of my closest friends' relationship to each other beeing not so great. It stressed me out a lot, and it still bothers me. I always held the hope that my parents would really like who I married. I think they do, but... something feels different. I don't like being in the middle of it.
And I miss Tomek. I guess I'm kind of jealous that he and his parents and the other folk who are helping out getting to work out there each evening. I mean, sure it's hard work and dirty work, but they can talk to each other and interact... and sure I can talk to Lily and sometimes we interact I think, but... of course it's not the same. Walks are nice, but it's the same silence that's in the apartment. I turn the TV on to keep myself company, but I can't hear it over her cries. Not that she really cries that often, she's just awake for LOOONG stretches in the afternoon and she's not content to just sit or lie somewhere. She does get tired in that time, but has trouble falling asleep on her own. Sigh.
But it's a lot better than it was the first 2 weeks. A LOT better. I felt like part of me broke inside, and all my dreams of having a big family turned into a nightmare. Having Lily was the most physically demanding thing I've ever done--but taking care of her and being with her all the time has been so emotionally trying that I do feel like I'm not strong enough to go through this again. Tomek has been nothing but supportive through it all, but I don't even want to think about what he must have felt when I told him I thought I couldn't go through this again. That we might only have one child... after all we'd talked about having at least 2 or 3 kids.
He's definitely stood by me in ways I didn't think anyone would ever have to... he believed in me that I'd be able to get through the emotional nightmare of the first two weeks on my own, without the assistance of our pediatrician who told me she could tell I had post-partum depression just by looking at my face. There were times I felt like I had lost myself, but he was there, telling me he knew I'd get through it, he knew I'd be okay. With his faith I was able to find my own again, and return. And I'm here. I'm back. The tears have subsided and I made it.
Snugli aftermath:
Awww Gran... do I hafta burp?? (or, They call me Cheeks McGillicudy)
Our snugglebug (she's turning into a little redhead!):
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
thank you all
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5 comments:
i remember being so frustrated that i couldnt soothe brooklyn. i think i made the comment to kat once that she was just a blob and i couldnt wait for her to develope her personality so i could interact wit her. it was totally worth the wait. chin up, little sister.
Phx, the first month was the hardest for me. Yes, there are still trying times, but they do get better, I promise! Just snuggle the little one as much as you can. No matter what anyone tells you, you can never hold a baby too much at this age. You're doing an amazing job (as evidenced by all the sweet pictures)!
I love the aftermath photo. she is absolutely adorable!!
I don't think any mother knows instantly why her child is crying when they are so young - It is all trial and error. . . And if you check all the possible suspects (IE: hungry, wet, needs cuddles, etc) and she is still crying, try putting her in her car seat, on the stove (that isn't turned on, of course) stick a soother in her mouth (if you use them) and turn your hoodfan on high-blast. That's what works for Elayne. She loves white noise and sucking helps her calm down.
If that doesn't work, try setting Lily on your bathroom counter and have the water running (I know it's a waste of water, but again, the white noise may soothe her). That way if you're exhausted and don't want to go for 5 walks a day, if it works, you can nap or watch tv.
Although, going for walks probably helps your mood a lot. . . I know if I just sit around doing nothing when I am not so cheery, I feel worse. Sometimes getting out of the house is the best thing.
Your doing fine, phx.
And if it makes you feel any better about Tomek and your mom... I don't have the best relationship with Silver's mom. In fact, Silver's mom is flying to Denver for a week around Thanksgiving, and I'm already planning on putting in overtime at work.
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