shame

My dad was in town for three days. He stayed with us. He was training someone to take over my now ex-job. No more maps for me. Hoorah. We talked last night, after we had played yahtzee and he had thoroughly creamed me in a tie-breaker game. I mentioned that I hadn't told anyone at the head office of my new ex-job that I was pregnant. He said he just told his mom a few weeks ago that I was pregnant. Her reply was that she figured it was something like that, and that's why we got married so quickly. I replied that it bugged me to think that people think "oh they got married because she got knocked up" and that that wasn't true at all. We could have waited, but it was important to me to be married before the baby was born, and I wanted to be a bump-free bride. His only response was that if we have a strong, long-lasting marriage, people won't think that anymore.

I wonder how many people really DO think that. Tomek and I met online. Strike one. I got pregnant before we were engaged, much less married because we weren't using any form of birth control and hadn't been for over a year. Strike two. Tomek and I got married in a hurry, as soon as we could after learning I was pregnant. Strike three.

I know I love him, and I know he loves me, and I also know that we are totally in this together, ready and willing to get through any hard times that might come our way, no matter what. Easier said than done, I know, but at least the determination is there.

I remember when Tomek and I went down South to tell my parents we were engaged. They were so happy. Then I told them they were going to be grandparents. And the smiles slid right off their faces. I could see then that they thought the only reason we were getting married was because I was pregnant. Sure, the fact that I was pregnant got the ball rolling for all the wedding planning and everything, but we did it because we WANTED to. We'd been living together for over a year, it was pretty inevitable that we were going to get married. I can remember standing in the kitchen of their house, standing tall and trying not to cry. Standing there and telling them that my being pregnant was not the only reason for us deciding to get married. They never voiced their belief in this, but they may have well screamed it for how it showed on their faces. And now, ever since, I've had this lingering feeling of shame when discussing anything about the pregnancy with either of them. Or seeing my dad's face when he sees me all pregnant. I feel fucking embarrassed. And it's not right. I think I'll never feel like I please them. Why should I care what they think, right? Well I care because they are my parents and I, as their kid, want them to be proud of me. I know Tomek and I will be OK, we will be good parents, we will raise a family, and we will stay a family. But to everyone else they see it from a different angle. One that makes me feel shamed that they think of me that way. I think my parents would be a lot happier about this baby if it had been conceived after we'd been married.

And to think that Tomek's parents, devout RCs, showed none of that shame or anything toward us. Both the pregnancy and the wedding were nothing but causes for celebration and happiness, from what I could see and hear anyway.

I hate living with regrets.