The not-so-sweet Mary Jane

So this weekend Tomek and I had a flare up, and Friday night I went to bed while we still weren't speaking. He stayed up till 2 a.m. watching movies. I think he enjoyed the me-time. The source of the flare up was pot. Unbeknownst to me, twice this past week he had smoked up. Smoking up for him consists of one or maybe two tokes (inhales?), never an entire joint. Usually I notice right away when he's high, but for whatever reason, this time I didn't. So I had no clue until I stepped out of the shower on Friday evening and overheard a snippet of his phone conversation with one of his friend where he mentioned smoking up.

I think I was hurt more than mad. I mean, to some, pot is no big deal. But I was raised completely anti-drug, and for the most part that upbringing has stuck with me. And there are reasons behind it. Its not because I was brainwashed with some nutty Scientology doctrine. I felt hurt because I know that open communication and honesty, even if it's going to be hard for the other person to hear, is one of the most important things to keep a relationship going. For example, for whatever reason, I feel guilty if I masturbate before Tomek comes home. And because I feel guilty, I tell him. He doesn't mind, it doesn't bother him, but I feel like it's something I need to tell him so I do. That might seem silly, but there are other things that happen too... and while it's hard to look at him in the face sometimes and own up, it feels so good when it's over. There's a relief. Nothing hiding, lurking inside me, wondering if he knows.

Since I've worked so hard at this, I thought he'd be doing the same. I confronted him with this on Friday night, asking him why he wasn't just open and didn't tell me. He said he didn't like the way I react when he tells me, and he doesn't like the way I get all down. So he thought it would be easier/better not to tell me. Okay, fair enough. What I don't know won't hurt me, right? Wrong. Because I know he occassionally smokes up. I know that. I know it's a touchy situation with us, and one we are still working on. And I think it's only right and fair that he tells me when he does smoke up so I know, and I can deal with it or not, react how I will, let him know how I feel and then together we can move toward a common ground. I'd love it if he never smoked pot again. But I realize it's not that big of an evil, comparitively speaking. Friday night, however, he didn't see it my way. He didn't see that he should tell me. It wasn't until Saturday morning when he asked me if I was still mad, and I told him I wasn't mad, I was just hurt, and explained my reasoning behind wanting to know again, that he got it. He agreed to tell me if he smokes up after work. I'd much rather know from him than find out accidentally, or figure it out on my own when he comes home all red-eyed and with that bite to his humour.

So just now, he called to say he's on his way home, and that he smoked up with his co-worker after work. He should be home any minute. I know he's had a stressful day/week/month... dealing with a lot of stuff at work, and sometimes he needs that escape. Hell, there have been so many times during this pregnancy where I have wanted to get pissed out of my tree, but I don't only because it would be bad for LB. So now its up to me, when he walks through the door, to not look or act upset that he's high. And it's going to be tough. But I don't want to ruin this evening for either of us, so I'm going to deal. Somehow.