My life right now is so different from how I ever envisioned it. I feel like I’m scrambling up a steep slope strewn with slippery stones, stones that shift and skitter away under my feet. And sometimes I sit back and wonder who I’m doing this all for. I’ve never considered myself a selfish person, but now I think perhaps that I am. Helping others is what makes me happy—doesn’t that mean I’m relying and depending on others for my own happiness, that I NEED those other people in order to be happy? I don’t like to look at it that way, but maybe it’s true. I’ve been lonely a lot, but never really alone. And at this point I don’t know where I’d be without Tomek. I mean, being with him I’ve really stepped off my ledge and onto a new path, leaving behind a lot of how I was raised, beliefs I’ve held. Not that he’s changed me, but I think he’s just that different from people I’ve always been surrounded by that I felt safe enough or confident enough to say phuq it to a lot of things that I didn’t really want to hold onto any longer. But I seriously doubt I would have done that just on my own. It was like I needed to have someone’s hand to hold onto as I jumped off one path and onto another.
In some ways I think I’m a strong person, but deep down I know I have too many fears, fears of the inevitable—fears of death, being alone, being betrayed, deserted, dropped.
I think that scares me most of all. I can’t help; I can’t bring you up when you are down—I’ve tried. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Seeing you happy brings me so much joy, but to know that it’s not really you being happy breaks my heart. I’m not strong enough to watch the man I love go through life this way.
Reduced to tears once more.
