Sitting in the semi-darkness
under dead flowers
Digesting boiled pot stickers
Watching the crimson sky fade slowly
into black
My glass sits half-empty
It's times like these that I'm frightened at how much I need you.
* * *
I already know that tonight you won't be home until I am asleep. If I sleep. Perhaps a born-again insomniac doesn't sleep. Maybe that is what we do. Or we clean. Clean the apartment that is slowly crumbling to dust around us. Sweep the dust away, let more come tomorrow.
I wish I could ask you to come and be home with me instead of visiting your parents. But that strikes me as unfair. Your mom would give you some grief about it, probably, but that is not why it's unfair. By making that demand or request of you, I am treating you as they do, and I know how much you already resent that. I know I could come with you tonight, to visit them. But I also know I am not good company tonight. Good company for dust maybe. Dead flowers. And dirty dishes. Clean clothes piled on the floor. Unmade bed. Unmade couch. Remnants of my attempts at sleep. My eyes won't stay shut anymore. There's too much nothing to ponder. To many dried up dreams, cracked passions, empty thoughts.
I wish I could ask you to come home to me. Stay with me, hold me. Be a strength for me when I am so filled with nothing. But I can't. I can't become that to you. I won't pull you down.
I have never come completely undun. But now as sleep evades me, solitude weighs heavy.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Just a lone
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2 comments:
Tomek loves you, he'll help you if you need it. it could just be youre emotions from the pregnency are swingin low. and i doubt that he groups you in the same emotional category with his family. he won't begrudge you if you lean on him a little or ask a slight sacrifice of him. you'll feel better, hang in there.
yeah, star has the right of it. just remeber that he has things he has to do, no choice, for whatever reasons. be understanding of his need to do these things and i guarantee when you ask of him, hell give it happily.
and cheer up. were here with you.
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