It's not a feeling of over-crowdedness, it's not a feeling of people constantly clamoring for my attention. I think it's more a feeling that my set of beliefs are not shared by anyone I'm close to, anyone at all who is in my life. So many people I was close to are Sc!entologists and I doubt they'd let it go if I said I wasn't active in it anymore. It would be a barrier between us--they'd think something was wrong with me because I've never had any great success with it. I guess just like any devout person they can't accept that maybe their religion is not right for someone else. Seems like these days most of my friends are online. All the ones I can really open up to without shame are online.
Then there's my closest relationship of all. I don't know if it's because work is swallowing him up lately--he works long hours then talks about work and frets about work when he's home... or if it's something more than that, but lately I'm wondering what we have in common. What ideals, what beliefs, what goals do we have in common? We seem to differ on things from marijuana to Volkswagens. What is going to happen when we have to choose a school for LB & LG? Or where we are going to live when we outgrow this apartment. I'd like to move to the Interior, but I already know he doesn't want to. I dislocated some ribs and put my neck out pretty good on the weekend so I went to the chiropractor today and yesterday. Tomek said he's had the same thing happen to him and it goes away in a few days. But I wanted to go to the chiropractor and I felt like he didn't agree with my decision to do that. And I always ask if I can, if I can buy this because we need it or if I can use some money for something, or whatever... I guess it's more because he's making all the money than because it's our money and we should agree on how it's spent. But when he wants to have beers with a buddy or go snowboarding or something we don't discuss the spending of that money.
I guess I just keep going up and down about how I feel about things. And no i'm not pregnant. He thought I might be even though there was no way.
When I went to the chiropractor today as I drove home the highway opened up for the last few kilometers and there was a good, bass-heavy song on the radio and I just wanted to cruise, to keep right on going. I love driving my car. I don't get to hardly at all anymore... and just that feeling of going... I wish it had been longer. Which isn't to say I want to be away from my kids. I don't. LB is talking more than ever now and it's so cool to hang out with her all day. She's awesome. And so affectionate to me and LG.
Tomek's working late tonight. Its 1030 and I don't even know when he'll be home. I think I'll sleep with LB...
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
squished
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4 comments:
Things will get better, they are bound to - once the kids are older you'll be compelled to make new friends as you begin to learn about the parents of the kids with whom your children associate.
like i said yesterday. keep your head up chica. the worm always turns.
I think at some point many couples (including D and I) go through similar feelings/situations especially once kids enter the relationship. The entire dynamic changes, ya know? We have to work harder to make time for ourselves as a couple as well as keep our individual identities in tact.
I loved reading your haikus. Are you going to start that again?
I understand about the desire to just keep driving. I was in a bad place for a while when I lived in Calgary, and I wished for the same. I ended up making a few changes and life turned around. (Quitting my job and moving to Vancouver, but I had no husband or kid at the time).
There will always be times in our lives where the dream to just keep going and leave the cr@p behind seems like a good option. You have to do what is right for you and the kids. You and they are your first priority.
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