belief = peace?

I've finally started to confront the fact that a lot of the time I'm not happy. I don't feel peaceful, I feel combative, I feel petty jealousy, I compare myself to others and judge how I am "better" than them or they are "better" than me.

Take my SIL for example. She and I are very different. She's Christian, and from eastern Europe... and takes her household chores such as cooking and cleaning very seriously. And seems to enjoy them. Me, well, half the time I don't make dinners, and we just end up nibbling on this or that. Cleaning?! Well, lets just say it's been a couple of months since the kitchen floor was scrubbed. Who am I kidding. I haven't washed it since we moved in. It's a small floor, I know I'll get to it one of these days. SIL cooks. A LOT. She prepares big feasts and cakes for whenever Tom's parents visit, and wants to keep in close touch and keep up to date on their lives and our lives and everyone inbetween.

Sounds admirable right? She keeps house well, entertains well, is interested in her new family... I, on the other hand, most of the time feel pressured to keep in touch (although I know if it were left up to me, keeping in touch with them wouldn't be any big priority for me), I don't make cakes. I've cooked for Tom's parents ONCE...

I'm just not a domestic goddess. I know I'm different from her, I have other interests, and I have a daughter to take care of. But then I catch myself holding that above her... like well maybe she can cook and clean, but I have already given birth, I gave Tom's parents their first grandchild. And I think I'm prettier than her, too, even though she has blue eyes.

I'm so damned competitive and comparitive and Tom thinks I have an inferiority complex. I hate that I'm like this. I want to just be at peace with who I am and what I'm capable of, not always feeling I need to be better than someone else, or do more nice things for Tom's parents than she does. I don't know how to not feel like this.

And when I do do nice things for them, part of me is thinking See, Tom? I do nice things for your parents, kind things. Aren't I a good wife? A good daughter-in-law? I'm always looking for that confirmation that someone has noticed the good that I'm doing.

We are having some friends of Tom's over tomorrow night. One couple is 6 months pregnant with their first child (a boy, moi! maybe you are right and it is the year of the boy). Since her husband is Tom's highschool buddy, and they live nearby and I thought maybe she and I could be friends because we will both have kids and they are not devout RC, which makes them easier to approach I think... I put together a bag of boy-coloured clothes we received for LB when she was born. Some we bought, some were given to us. And as I'm folding them up all nice, the voice in my head is thinking about how pleased Tom might be, how he might give me a big hug and think it's sweet of me.

I just want to feel content and happy and fulfilled and not have this pull inside me to appear better in any aspect that I can than those around me. I'm tired of all the petty thoughts, childish jealousies...

I think what it comes down to is that I need religion. Not a set of doctrines and rules to follow, or anything at all to blindly believe so I feel I have a reason for doing the things I do, acting the way I act. What I need is to find a way to be at peace within myself--a way that works for me, something that I can believe in because it works for me. I've tried to figure this out on my own, but its not happening. I need to find a way to not be focused so much on the abilities and shortcomings of those around me and just be content with my own abilities, my own being. Maybe what I need is not so much religion, but plain old

Thanks to LB for sleeping through my much-needed ramble.