2 a.m.

I can't sleep again. It's 2 a.m. and I'm wide awake. I have this weird thing with my right knee now where it gives this tendony pop click feel every time I straighten it completely, so I lie in bed straightening my leg thinking "maybe this time it won't click" but it does and then after a while it just aches.

LB was just coughing in bed so I went and checked on her and she was kind of awake so I brought her out here with me and snuggled with her and fed her a bit. I love how every time she falls asleep beside me she falls asleep with her legs propped up on me. Every single time. I love how when she sleeps next to me I can smooth the hair on her head, hold her hand, rub her back, and rest my hand on her and just feel her breathe--all the things I can't do when she's awake because she doesn't sit still long enough.

She's back in her crib now... Tom's snoring (sober). He has to get up at 545 to be at the office at 730 to discuss his PROMOTION and PAY RAISE. Sweetness. When I met him, he was a "grunt", doing a lot of physical work on sites, had someone overseeing him and telling him what to do and he'd go do it. Then he moved up to being a site supervisor, in charge of installing all the alarms and access control stuff in an entire condominium as it was being built. NOW he's going to be a manager of some of the site supervisors and basically have to plan and manage everything how it's going to get done, fill in the blue prints with where shit needs to be put--the amount he knows about how buildings are built and all the wires running everywhere and keeping it all organized blows my mind. I can't imagine having that kind of technical skill. I'm so proud of him.

My dad emailed me today because I guess well he couldn't remember the last time he talked to me either. So we emailed back and forth, and I found out the name and location of the town he was born in. Stadtoldendorf. We booked our flights to Berlin for August 21 and I'm hoping that before we head back to Canada that we can stop in his hometown and I can stand in the streets and take pictures. I think that would be so romantic. I'm going to get to see Tomek's hometown too--Szczecin. Shhchechiyn. I can pronounce it. And I'm learning more and more Polish. It's pretty cool. I can say stuff but I have no idea how its spelt. Weird.

I think we are also going to go to Prague for a little honeymoon. My parents gave us a grand for a honeymoon and Prague looks/sounds awesome.

I really wonder whats keeping me so awake. Maybe it was the curry chicken. But I think it's LB-withdrawal. I'm so attached to her. Having her little warm self near me is normal to me. Being without her is weird. Not quite right. And ever since she mumble mumble moi knows but I'm too ashamed to write it just yet, I'm just paranoid at night. I listen to the baby monitor, check on her and just generally lie awake thinking about her, wondering when she's going to wake up. a couple of nights ago i even took her out of her crib while she was sleeping and laid her down in the bed with us so I could be close to her. she's just too precious for words. I never imagined i'd be able to love someone so completely. I mean I love Tomek, but sometimes we argue and there are things we dno't agree on, but with LB, it's so simple. I love her. She loves me. I can make her laugh, she makes me laugh. She's happy when she's with me, I'm happy when I'm with her. Kids are magic. I can't imagine NOT wanting to have kids. That's just the ultimate deprivation. No dog, no fish, no eel can replace a kid. Ever.

Shaine came over last night and told us about his trip to Thailand. Fucking nuts. Sex trade capital of the world-- he saw a 4 year old girl offering herself. What. The. Hell. But now he's determined to spend 6 months of the year in Thailand to try to change things. I felt intelligent for the first time since LB was born, talking with him and Tomek. We talked about drugs, religion and spirituality and I was able to tell him where my anti-drug views come from and he could totally relate cuz he was raised hard-core christian. He told me what he gained from smoking pot and lessened my fear of it. I may even try it someday. I am starting to agree that it's a lot less dangerous than alcohol. I wonder why alcohol is legal and pot isn't. Maybe because there is more money in alcohol. And wine and shit like that come with prestige. what bullshit.

hmm what else. I guess I'm all talkie talkied out. 2 posts in one day. wowsa. go me.