A few months ago I asked you all about your in-laws... I don't think I ever posted a post about mine in response. And I'm not going to now either, other than to say that all in all, they are pretty awesome. There is a slight language barrier (they are more comfortable speaking Polish than English) and we come from completely different backgrounds, and I think I'm very different from their idea of a daughter-in-law. I'm not Polish, I'm definitely not Roman Catholic, and I'm not a domestic whiz. But they have always welcomed me with open arms. They have never shunned me or disrespected me in any way because I am (was) a Scientologist and in some ways that's about as far from RC as you can get.
What I do need to blargh about is my sister-in-law. Tom's brother's wife, whom he brought here from a part of what used to be Russia. They were married over there last November and she arrived here in the middle of this year. She is lonely. She did get a job, which I found totally commendable because she'd only been here for a few short months. But she got let go because, I think, they thought she might be pregnant. Shitty situation. There was a time after LB was born that she mentioned to her husband that I don't return her emails. I posted the email response on here somewhere, outlining what all I do in a day, and how I rarely have 2 hands free to type.
The emotion I felt when I heard from Tom who heard from his mom who heard from his brother that I wasn't responding to her email was
RAGE.
Fast forward to a few days ago, Tom calls her to see what kind of anime his brother is downloading these days, to get some idea for a Christmas present. SIL is very lonely because she has no family or friends here, she can't drive here, doesn't have any way of getting out of the condo really, and when her husband comes home often he's tired or just wants to relax with his computer for a while. I feel badly for her, I really do. If I lived closer, I'd hang out with her a bit. I don't imagine we'll ever be close friends because we are very different. We have different ideas on what is important, what our duties in life are, what we think of God, etc. She is very traditional. She is a lot like Tom's mom, I think. She cooks very well and willingly cleans everything, including her husband's shoes and her mother-in-law's kitchen.
So. My point. While talking to Tom on the phone the other day, she roundaboutly mentioned something that alluded to her thinking I might not like her because I don't call. Tom doesn't remember her exact words, but that was the gist of it. I might not like her.
RAGE.
I think I'm going to have to tell her how it is, like I have already done with Tom's mom on 2 occasions. I'm going to have to be the snarky frazzled stressed-out disorganized SIL who doesn't have the time to call her SIL on a regular basis.
I don't like that this makes me feel so angry, but it does. My best friend lives 15 minutes away, and you know how many times I've seen her since my wedding in February? ONCE. I've talked to her on the phone 3 times, I think.
I'm not the most organized, I don't have a huge collection of recipes that I've mastered. I can't keep the bathrooms clean. I will never wash Tom's shoes. And I'm happy this way. But I don't fit with their way. With her way. Or her way. But that's the way I am and I can't change.
But this whole "she doens't like me, she doesn't call me" stuff really, REALLY makes me mad. I'm just reacting, and not looking at it analytically and being understanding. She doesn't understand me obviously, even though she and my BIL have put off having children for a bit, which I think is partially due to them seeing how completely upside-down it turned Tom's and my life, and how everything else fell apart. The whole thing smacks of something victimish. Like poor them. And that bugs me. Obviously.
My longest blog post in a while, and it's a rant. But I'd like to hear what you all think of my reaction to this, and any ideas for dealing with it so I don't get so GRRR.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
The SIL
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5 comments:
Let the rage flow freely, feel as angry as you can and get it all out. Use Tom as an anger board but let him know you love him, don't use LB.
Now, about the SIL, try to put yourself in her shoes a little more... with all of that time to be alone it usually instills a tonne of self doubt and it can ruin any self-confidence a person might have had to begin with. Her saying that you might not like her is more a reflection of the plight she is facing rather than anything with respect to you.
It is up to her to try to get out of the condo and meet people, to advance her position. Your BIL should also be more helpful. You have no personal responsibility to help her, however, a small amount of your effort and time could mean a world of difference for her. If you could manage to call her once or twice a week, just for a small chat, have pre-planned topics ready... this interaction will really help her and cost you next to nothing.
Phil's comment is solid. I'd add:
Forget about her. Don't waste your energy. She isn't your responsibility. She can think whatever she wants to about you (you have little control over what anybody thinks about you anyway), and you don't have to let it affect you... you don't have to acknowledge it... you don't have to defend yourself against it.
That being said, Phil has a good point about the position you are in to help her. A 20-minute phone call on the weekends could go a long way... just be careful about feeling "obligated" because you are under no obligation. If SIL doesn't appreciate the calls or if she gets all clingy on you, cut her off.
Yesh, two very good pieces of advice above... I'll also add that some people base judgments on things that don't exist - actually, most people do. Either preconceived notions, or prejudices, or whatever. You can't let other people's opinions of you affect you... I know feelings are hard to control, but the next time you feel rage, remember that you know who YOU are, and that's all that matters, in the end. If anything, she seems like someone to pity, not be enraged at.
I also agree that a small token of friendship once in awhile can go a long way... and understanding, on both sides, will only come with that initial step.
I have nothing to add, because I think you're justified in your feelings, and the advice you've gotten thus far is definitely right on target.
Mainly, I just wanted to let you know that I LOVE LB's new pictures. :)
I agree with Phil, you're under no obligation to befriend her. she can just as easily pick up the phone and call you, if that's what she wants. in friendships, someone is always the caller and the callee.
let her make that call.
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