no matter how much i think i'm just wending my own path, every once in a while i hit these walls that are others' perceptions of the way things should be. and i hit those walls hard. they shake me up, bruise me, and even though i climb over them, or walk the long way around them, bits of grit from the walls sticks with me. and i never just blast my way through the walls. i try to find my own way while keeping others' ways, others beliefs, intact. i guess i got thinking about this because i just finished watching the movie "imagine me and you" about 2 girls who fall in love, one is newly-wed... and how it broke the guy's heart to "do the right thing" and let his wife go off and be with the woman she loved... while it was sweet to see the two girls in love, most of my reaction to the movie was feeling bad for the guy. he was a nice guy, a sweet guy... and what left a bitter taste in my mouth was how marraige was portrayed as so expendable, especially in the wake of "true" love. but she did love the guy... and he loved her, and if they made that pact, shouldn't they stick with it? maybe not, if she loves someone else... i just can't quite wrap my head around that yet. i mean, i can't imagine myself falling in love with someone else now that i'm married. even to put myself in a situation where i might is something i avoid. marriage is marriage. i love tomek, i made that commitment to be with him, to love him, walk the path of my life with him by my side for the rest of my life, and that's what i'm going to do. too many others today (judging by the skyrocketing divorce rate) tempt disaster and when it comes knocking, the force of it always blows someone's heart away.
so to me marriage is very important. it's an important part of my life and an important part of society. so why so often to i see marriage portrayed as the anti-christ. i think divorce is almost more accepted than marriage. nothing concrete to prove that, its just the vibe i get from life today. like i'm swimming against the current. and how do i prove that our marriage is just as viable just as true just as important just as real as one that has lasted over 30 years. that i'm just as much a wife and a partner to tomek as anyone who has been with their partners for longer, as anyone who has been through more with their partner than i have?
last night tomek finally let the cat out of the bag to his parents about his loss of faith in roman catholocism. and it made him feel sick to do it. his mom kept asking when LB is getting christened... and tomek kept giving non-commital answers, finally kind of talked about his loss of faith last night when he said he doesn't really go to church anymore, which I'm sure they know (this has been 3 years now since he realized his faith had been shaken...) and that we aren't going to christen her. not maybe. but that LB will not be christtened. and it shocked his mom. rc has been in their family for generations, it's an integral part of their culture, and tomek is the first to break the chain. his brother has always been one to follow the rules, and we think he still believes, so he'll keep the family tradition alive on that end. but tomek came to his lack of belief on his own. stuff happened, and he tried praying to god and talking to him about it to regain his faith. but it didn't work. it's his choice. but tonight he's going to go to his parents place and talk to them about this. and he says its going to be very emotional, which means his mom will be crying and probably using every type of persuasion she knows to get him to believe again, or to tell him that his loss of faith isn't valid. but it's his choice to believe or not to believe. and as for the christening, his mom said on the phone last night that if he didn't feel good about christening LB because he no longer is an active member of the church, that she could christen lily for him.
hello? this is where the wife should be in the picture. and the wife is me. i'm not going to interfere with their discussion of tomeks' lack of faith. i mean,he doesn't even want me to be there tonight when he talks to them. i'd like to be there to support him, and to speak my piece when the subject of christening comes up, but he thinks the conversation will primarily be about his loss of faith, so i have no part in that, other than that i support him. i can see how his mom would be upset when she's finally told straight up that her son does not believe in her religion anymore. but i hope she can understand where he is coming from and not brow-beat him into trying to regain his faith.
and this next bit is going to sound selfish, but if he did go back to going to church with his parents and regained his faith and decided he did want lily christened, where would that leave me? to me christening is the start of a child's path in that religion, and an agreement with the church that the child will be raised in and follow that religion. and that we will be integral parts of making sure that happens. but i won't. tomek and i met when both our religious beliefs were crumbling. we've both taken pieces from our religions that we find to be true (perhaps me more than him now) and that's that. we are both basically non-religious. i dont think my parents realize that i'm really not interested in being an active scientologist. i've never told them straight out. but now that i'm on my own they've never been pushy about it. its my life my decision. and frankly, that neither tomek or i have an active religious belief has made things easier in this relationship. i dont know what we'd do if we were both actively practicing opposite religions,
back to his visit with his parents tonight, part of me feels like i have a right to be there, and a right to speak my feelings about OUR daughter being or not being christened. but if like he says, the discussion is primarily going to be about his lack of faith, then i guess i dont' have any place being there. but i'd like to be there to support him, to tell them how i was raised in a religious family too and how my parents have not pushed me back into it or guilt-tripped me into thinking my decision is wrong or bad. not that that's what they'd do to tomek. i dont' know. but i do know his mom REALLY likes to have her own way. what she believes is right. and she obviusly believes rc is right. and i dont know if she can just let him be.
and this makes me wonder if they've said things to him about me, disagreeing with me, my non-rcness... and if he's just never told me.
11 comments:
heh. more likely than not, his mom has talked to him about your non-religiousness, just knowing the way devout rc's are...
I think what's most important is that you and tomek agree to disagree with his parents on this issue. I don't know how easy that's gonna be if mom's the type of person who likes to have her way. But you'll both have to stand united on this one.
If they sway him to christen her... then you'll have to talk to him, obviously... not his parents, not his mother, but him. And if he's set on christening lily, I guess you'll have to support him.
It's not the worst thing in the world to have her belong to something, 'cos in the end, she's still your daughter, and you'll raise her with your own values, anyway, which likely coincide with a lot of what both scientology/christianity teach.
If the christening will prevent turmoil between you and your husband, 'cos it's something he would want for his daughter, then it should be done, 'cos that's what you signed up for when you married him. But somehow even though I don't know tomek, I don't think he'll force you to raise your daughter in a way you don't want to or something.
In any case... good luck... it's a tough issue, this religion one...
i could see myself doing my best to support his decision if he decided to have lily christened because of his faith. but... the way things stand now, i think the reason would be more along the lines of getting his mom off his back than doing it for lily. and that is something i refuse to do; doing it so his mom gets what she wants so she backs off. i think its our decision, we made it, we both feel good about it, it's done.
but i'm going out there with him tonight after all, so we'll see if i need to say anything or not.
I wonder if anybody has done a study on the cause of divorce. How many marriages end because of affairs, versus drug/alcohol abuse, versus physical/emotional abuse, versus people just giving up? I think the "why" is most important when looking at divorce.
I'm not a big fan of marriage because I think it's misrepresented to our youth as something magically based upon the flimsy mirage of true love. Marriage, as you said, is a commitment, and should be viewed more as a business merger than a sharing of fairy-dust souls.
So you're going with Tomek to his parents, huh? That should be fun and exciting.
Here's a nifty compromise that I worked out with my RC mom. She is more than welcome to take Elsie to church with her on Sundays, if Elsie is interested. However, it is up to Elsie to determine her spiritual path, and if Elsie chooses RC as a mature young adult then she can get baptized at that point.
I agree completely with the Shenster.
Hope everything went well with the talk.
First of all, much of religion isn't directly about spirituality so much as the comfort of ritual. It's a shared experience that binds people together, like celebrating Christmas. A lot of people who decorate trees and exchange presents really have no personal identification with Christ or His birthday whatsoever, but they have strong feelings about Christmas itself.
If the family desperately wants your baby christened, and you and your hubby are basically agnostic at this point, I'd say go ahead and let 'em baptize the kid. If you're not RC, the ritual means nothing more to you than a dorky lacy dress and a few hours of your time. The child can decide for herself, later, if she wishes to pursue that path.
And if she does decide to accept her grandparents' faith, she'll be glad you had her baptized. If she doesn't, she won't care. No harm, no foul.
I understand your desire to exercise your rights as the baby's mother, but I think it's important to choose your battles. If Tomek's mother is really as controlling as you make her sound being able to say, "Well, I let you have her baptized" in the future might be a valuable weapon in your arsenal. You'll be able to refuse other stupid shit because you gave ground on this one.
And like I said, if neither of you are RC, the ritual has no real meaning anyway and is no more profound than letting some aunt or uncle feed the kid her first cheesy pouf or cup of instant pudding, or take her on her first pony ride. See what I'm saying?
I can't possibly understand the family's dynamic so my advice is purely academic, but my vote is to bend on this one, so they'll "owe" you one later when it's something that you really feel strongly about. Because if they're religious, they'll be REALLY attached to this topic, and since you married their son and bore him a child they're gonna be in your life no matter what.
To Shenry: it's my understanding that the biggest cause of divorce is financial issues. In Oklahoma, for instance, these are the reasons:
* Lack of commitment (85%)
* Too much conflict and arguing (61%)
* Infidelity (58%)
* Marrying too young (43%)
* Little or no helpful premarital preparation (42%)
* Financial problems (41%)
* Domestic Violence (30%)
* Lack of support from family members (29%)
* Religious differences (21%)
As I understand it, being an rc practitioner myself, a priest probably wouldn't want to baptise a baby whose parents are agnostic. Baptism is about the responsibility of the parents in raising their children into that faith. I'd say to stear clear of that if you aren't going to follow through.
man i typed up this huge comment yesterday and then submitted it and it told me it was having trouble connecting to the server. i cursed and went back to work.
you are the mother of this child. if you do not want her christened then it aint gonna happen. tomek will either deal with his folks or he will succumb to their pressure. nothing you can do about it. just hope he leans on you and not on them.
Thanks for the stats, go'box.
ghost: what i often do: type up a comment, highlight, copy, then try to post, and if it didnt work out, you've still got the whole thing in your clipboard and can try again :)
my replies to all your comments will come in the next post i write. you've given me a lot to think about.
see, i should do that, tomek, but i never think about the inevitable suck that is the internet when im typing a comment.
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