It's not a matter of finding myself. I know where I am. I'm right here.
With unpacking comes a dredging up of old memories. Boxes and boxes of old memories I'd forgotten I had. Memories that take me back, back to days of empty promises, public declarations of how awful I am, what libellous tripe I write, love poems written about me, sports awards, photos, journals, sports scrapbooks, the declaration of human rights...
And I'm taken back. Back to all the interests I've had, all the people I thought I'd become. The archaeologist, the stamp collecter, cartographer, drummer, poet, historical fiction writer, editor, indexer, human rights activist, tutor, lyricist, quote collector.
None of them are here.
Loss drove me from one interest to another, I've never seen anything through--except becoming a mother, which is something I could never run from. Lily is such a gift. There is more wisdom in her eyes, in the sounds she tells me, than I feel i've ever had. she is clarity. shes not dumb, not unknowing. she communicates, wrestles this new body of hers until it does what she wants it to...
I'm drifting. I have no focus, no direction. i run. when i stand up for myself i get slammed. sometimes its just not worth the effort to pick myself up again.
I thought I'd finally found my path in writing. But once I realized that 99% of writing jobs entail writing someone else's ideas, thoughts, rules or beliefs, well, my interest went out the window.
I still have this curiosity about the past, people's lives, how they love, how they express themselves, what brings them peace.
Maybe I should find my own first. Find a way of grounding myself now, here, in the present, instead of burrowing back into the past and wallowing in all that will never be again. I'm only twenty-six and I've already forgotten so much.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind
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4 comments:
you have not forgotten. its in there. we are, all of us, the sum of all we have seen. im 31. i still dont know what i wanna be when i grow up.
I'm 20, and I've already forgotten, too. . . and in 11 years, I probably won't know what I want to be, either.
but you're honestly and purely loved by a daughter and a Tomek. . . and that. . . some people go a whole lifetime without.
(I'm in a very 'love conquers all' kind of mood) :)
the past can be a scary place to visit, especially so many years later. we remember what we need to, when we need to, and take knowledge with us into the future.
and no, lily is not dumb. she's is a growing, learning and communicating LB, who is figuring out her place in this world. which it sounds like you're doing as well. which is what we're all kind of doing, all of the time.
The funny thing about the past is it's not really past; it's part of everything you are... it's when you look back and think that it's gone - like you aren't who you're supposed to be - that the past "haunts" you... but you just have to keep telling yourself that you're where you are because that's where you are. And move forward from there.
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