rant ahead. you might want to just skip this one.

Words written in anger. I was more angry than I am now, but I held the door of the parkade open for a lady and we talked on the elevator and she was very appreciative that i'd held the door and waited so she didn't have to wait for the elevator to come back down again for her.

but I'm still mad. angry that I'm alone so much. part of it is finger pointing which isn't fair but there are times when you don't have anythign to do at work you don't think so you fuck the dog with your buddy and now all of a sudden there is this big crunch so you are staying late late late at work every day and then when you do come home only 3 hours later htan usual that evening is used to visit your parents. never mind that i might need a visit too. mostly i'm mad because i tried to go grocery shopping. i refuse to shop at safeway. fucking rip OFF. so i went to the go to the one we've gone to before AFTER looking at google maps to make sure i knew where i was going. the so called superstore is the size of fucking ikea on steroids. and do you think i could find it?? NOooo. of course not. because i'm a fucking RETARD when it comes to finding my way around in unfamiliar places. and this whole damn city is unfamiliar to me. and he said he'd be hoem to go grocery shopping with me tonight.. i've been living off perogies and macaroni and cheese and pretzels for the past week. gee i could have gone shopping sometime this week surely, right? well it's not easy with LB. she eats. all. the. time. i'm a jersey cow i swear. breastfeeding is not a time of bonding and nurturing our loving relationship. it's torture. i wish we could just give her formula. sometimes i do love feeding here, but lately i can't even get through it unless i have some kind of thing to DO while i sit there stuffing my tit into her mouth. because she takes a long time. and while at night i will feed her for shorter times than duringthe day, in the day i try to feed her for as long as i can. and that ends up with me feeding her for what feels like all day. and when she falls asleep for a little 15 minute nap? i'm doing the fucking dishes. or unpacking boxes. i let him know how much i appreciate how hard he works... i think i could use a little appreciation too. most of the time just seeing LB happy, the way she gives me that big toothless grin of hers adn coos at me and actually responds when i talk to her is appreciation enough. like sh smiled at me just now when i unzipped her sweater so she wasn't eating it anymore. but that also means she's awake AGAIN... she slept for the 20 minutes it took me to drive downthe street, fail to find the store, end up on the highway with no way to get off, took the random first exit i could kept driving and eventually looped back around to somewhere familiar from which i could find my way back home.... after she screamed for the first 5 minutes of it, which is why i have the big ass headache i have now. nothing can give anyone a headache faster than being shut in a car for 5 minutes with a screaming baby that you can't see or comfort. fuck. thats why i like to go grocery shopping WITH someone. because i have to take LB, and the extra set of arms comes in handy.

so now it's 9pm and there is still no word on when he might mosey home. i understand he's working crazy long days, but there MUST have been something he could have done during all the down time he had earlier so he didn't have to work so much now.

fuck overtime. maybe i should just go to my parents house for a couple of weeks. at leats then i'd have SOME kind of family around.

i think what really hurts is that you don't seem to mind working the overtime, you don't seem to mind hardly ever seeing me or LB. i'm sure you do hate that you rarely see her, and i'ts probably totally unfair of me to say this, but i haven't seen anything that might hint that you miss me, miss being home. you've never said anything about how you don't want to stay late. i think you are more willing to stay late now than before she was born. maybe i'm hallucinating.