Destination: *

The past 10 months have been a whirlwind for me and Tomek.... wedding, baby, move. And now that I'm here, firmly ensconsed in a maternity leave and getting used to being in the apartment all day far too quickly. I should be getting out more with LB, I know I should. But breastfeeding in public is not something I'm going to do, which may sound stupid since I made the decision to breastfeed, but that's just me. And besides, i'm not giving her exclusively breastmilk anyways. Since she was two or three weeks old we've had to supplement her meals with formula. She only gets about an ounce from me, and then drinks 4 ounces of formula. Right now, her lower jaw is under-developed, so she can't get all she needs from me (and I don't provide enough anyway). So, formula it is--the same formula my brothers and I were fed, so I feel pretty okay about it. I have to make it every 2 days, but oh well. What else do I do right? I just have to boil organic barley for 6 1/2 hours and then combine the water with evaporated milk and a little bit of corn syrup. It tastes all right. She likes it. She never had any nipple confusion at all. I breast feed her, then I feed her the bottle, or Tomek feeds her the bottle. We're on our third different kind/shape of nipple now, too, and it hasn't fazed her one bit.

Anyway, we just bought this place and already I'm thinking ahead to where we will move next. Probably somewhere in the interior. I hope, anyway.

We have too much furniture and a lot of it doesn't fit in here. We have to get rid of an arm chair, three bookshelves, a coffee table, a desk, probably a dresser, and now our futon as well. Those will be replaced with one or two taller, slimmer bookshelves, a smaller fold out couch and maybe a glider chair and an end table. Pfft.

At least the paint job looks good. Yellow bedrooms, white bathrooms, blue everywhere else. It keeps it bright in here. In the morning it feels like the sun is rising inside our room. Pretty cool. And we finally bought the sun light for LB's room--just haven't had a chance to put it up yet.

I should be unpacking boxes, or eating, or resting... LB is having what should be her big afternoon nap now, which should last 3-4 hours.

Last night was brutal. She'd ate at 5:30, then at 8 p.m. she still wasn't asleep so we went for a walk. Came back 1/2 hour later and she woke up 1/2 a block from home. So then we had to feed her again.... 2 hours later we're still feeding her, almost done... and she pukes everything up. She covered Tomek from shoulder to toe. So they had a nice bath, and we tried to feed her a little more because she was wide awake and obviously a big hungry, but we were nervous about feeding her because her stomach might've still been raging. At that point I fell asleep. Didn't hear a thing. Woke up at 6 a.m. when Tomek's alarm went off and looked over at LB sleeping away in her cradle... and wondered what the hell had happened last night.

So I phoned Tomek at work this morning and he said he fed her the rest of her bottle, and walked with her a bit and she fell asleep. So he put her in a her little blue chair, paid some bills, fired her into her cradle and went to sleep.

He is the master of putting her to sleep, I swear. He has this little reserve of energy somewhere that enables him to walk with her no matter how tired he is. When I'm that tired, all I can do is bounce her on my knee or lie with her on my chest.

Every day I want to get so many of these boxes cleared out of here, so when Tomek comes home he can see the difference, see that this place is becoming a home for us. But it never happens. I just don't know what to do with all this crap.

So as far as destinations, I'm really feeling like I don't have any real work skills. I do random office work. I lost my interest in writing for a living when I realized that 99% of the jobs out there involve writing someone else's feelings, beliefs, opinions, way of doing things. Why hadn't that occured to me before? Cos I'm niave, that's why.

Totally. And it's not something I think I'll ever grow out of. I just don't have a quick mind. I have a stretched out jiggly stomach, and a rather dim outlook on things right now.

Tomek really wants us to get our own business going, one that we can do from anywhere. But what. I have no idea. Maybe I should go to school and learn a trade, too. At least then I'll have a tangible skill in something.

I've always thought people walking and running around a track looked silly. But now I think it's kinda smart, if you are more into the distance than the scenery. I should try to walk a mile a day with LB. That might prolong the eventual atrophizing of my muscles. But would she sleep that long? Doubtful.

My little bro ran 7 miles the other day, cos he was bored. 7 miles. From one end of the town he lives in to the other, and back again. I couldn't even run to the end of their street I dont think. But then I don't like running. I used to like it on a basketball court, but running on sidewalks is just so damn unforgiving on a body.

So where am I going? I don't have the faintest clue. I really should try to find a different job... maybe one in a marketing company my friend works for. At least she gets to design banner ads for the internet. That's cool. Much better than the data entry crap I do.

Wow, I read Kat's blog this morning and she mentioned not e-whining. and here I am, doing just that. I thought her reasons for not whining online were great, and that I should follow the same way, but obviously that didn't last too long.

I just feel kinda lost, is all.

* * *

I wish you lived closer, or I lived closer, and we could visit each other and confide in each other and make each other laugh, give each other real hugs when we needed them...