northbound, alone

Tomek left for way up north today. Preparation for the trip was crazy. He had to tote almost 100 lbs of tools and material with him. From 3:30 pm yesterday till 5 a.m. this morning he was sorting, packing, figuring, discarding, organizing... he didn't sleep at all. I slept from 2:30 - 5:00 this morning. His flight left at 8:00 so we had to be at the airport by 7:00, which meant leaving the apt by 6:00.

I packed him a lunch (a wrap of lettuce, rice, teriyaki chicken, taco sauce, onion and green pepper) and a bunch of snacks to munch during his flights. I taped a little note to the wrap, which he found before we left, but he's not going to open it until he's away. Which he is now, so he's probably read it...

Hello kochanie (my love),

I know this has been very nerve-wracking for you so far. I wish I could have done more to make it easier... but since there is really nothing I can do, I'd at least like you to know that I'm proud of you for taking this job and pulling off all the prep work that was involved.

As I write this you haven't left yet, but I miss you already. That may sound silly but it's just the way I am. I can't wait to give you a BIG hug when you get back. I'll be thinking of you often and hoping that the whole job goes smoothly.

You are my shining star, sweetie, and I can't wait to have you back in my arms.

I love you, always,
phx

...

Yesterday was horrible for me emotionally. I had a clock in my head mentally counting down the hours till I'd have to say goodbye to him and not see him again for over 3 1/2 days. Compared to some marriages, this time apart is not really that much time at all. But to me, both before he left, and now, it seems like an eternity. When I drove him to the airport, I was hoping I could just drop him off at the departures level to make our good-bye quick, like ripping off a band-aid. I didn't want to cry in front of him. But with all the tools he was taking, I knew I needed to go with him in case the airport decided there was soemthing he couldn't take. I went with him to check-in and then to drop off his bags... and then we were at security and I could go no farther with him. I hate that I wasn't strong enough to not cry when saying good-bye; this trip is a great opportunity for him, and in 3 days of work he is going to make more $ than he makes in 2 weeks at his regular job. But he's not here. And he's always here. If I had to work or something maybe I'd feel differently. All I can do is mope around from clock to clock, watching, wondering, where he is, what he's doing, did he arrive safely, is he working already, is he tired...

When we were saying goodbye he told me If I knew how hard this was going to be on you, I wouldn't have taken the job. Why can't I be as strong as I want to be anymore? I mean, right now I'm choking up again, and it's daytime. What's going to happen tonight? Tomorrow night? The next night? I'm dreading the darkness, the insomnia, the loneliness. And it's more than loneliness. If I was just lonely, I'd go hang out with friends... but I don't feel like I can without completely breaking down. I just want it to be Thursday and I want to be pulling him back into my arms.

He left thinking my mom was going to come up and stay with me for part of the time, but when I talked to her last night, the plans had changed and she won't be able to come up until Friday. She and my dad are getting their own business up off the ground, and they have 2 projects and presentations to finish... she's feeling really under the gun and hates letting down people she cares about. So I told her of course I'd be all right, I have plenty to do, plenty of people to hang out with. But the reality of it is I feel like I'm falling apart. Already.

If all goes well, I only have 73 hours left to wait...