Weird

I feel weird. Maybe it was the sushi and root beer float combination... and bbq chips and runts. Tomek is out playing soccer with a couple of his buddies. I'm resting. Kind of. It's been a weird day. i wasn't too tired, and I got these wacked out highs when I thought the real estate thing was moving again. The fucker with the place he might consider selling already RENTED out the place. But then our realtor found another private listing and we are going to view it tomorrow. It's farther from the city than Tomek would like I think, and the strata fee is kind of high... and it's close to a busy street, but we are going to check it out anyway.

I'm listening to Dashboard Confessional--maybe that's what's got me in a weird way. I feel kind of mournful and lost and restless and tired... my pelvis is doing some crazy spreading so my whole koochie area HURTS when I stand or walk, but I can't sleep because there is a boney acrobat doing flips inside me--s/he really likes sticking his/her feet in my rib cage. Bugger.

Today at work I found out that one of the finance ladies, the one who THRIVES on crises, thinks I'm going to walk out any day and say I can't work anymore. And she thinks I'm well within my rights to do so. I don't want to piss anyone off there, or come across as irresponsible or like a slacker or anything, but I really don't want to have to train anyone, I just want to be at home and start preparing for the baby. I mean, you cannot tell that we are expecting, other than the basketball under my shirt and the disassembled crib in our bedroom.

I had cucumber rolls for lunch and dinner today and I think the soya sauce is what is giving me heartburn. Dammit. I feel vaguely horny but not horny enough to do anything about it. Going solo is so lame and disappointing compared to being with Tomek. I end up feeling worse afterwards, and kind of lame. I have him. What do I need to do that shit for? Out of boredom more than anything else I think.

I wonder if I should bail from work after this week. They seem to half expect it. At least, one person does and she's told the HR guy I'm sure because she spends half the day walking around loudly telling people shit so they know, even though every single fucking conversation can be overheard by the entire office because the walls are half as high as the ceiling. You can whisper and be overheard by someone 3 offices down. Jeez.

I'm excited about having the baby, but I know I'm going to have to go through the most pain I've ever felt in my life in order to get to the joy of being a mom. And being a mom will be hard, I know. I want to be my child's friend... but that doesn't ever really work out till 25 or so years later does it. I will only be able to get an epidural if it's going to be a long labour--and I wonder if my pelvis is going to have space enough for the baby to pass through. I mean, Tomek is polish. Polish folk generally have rather large heads. Not unproportionally so, but still, wide foreheads you know? I worry about that.

And I worry about moi. I'm glad K is so good to her, what she says about him reminds me of Tomek, how sweet he is, how he'll just hold her and tell her he loves her, and wipe her tears away and just BE there for her. That is such a gift... for a guy to be able to do that. To be able to feel that kind of love where he'll just become comfort incarnate. Tomek and I were reminiscing last night and I told him I couldn't remember when I first told him I loved him. he remembered. He remembered I told him at the Purple Onion. I'll never forget when he told me he loved me... this was all only a few weeks into our relationship... I just love him so much. He's so much... he's everything and more.