Mental hiccups

Continuing with my train of thought from yesterday, I know now that I'm less in control of my emotions and mental well-being than I ever have been before. And it scares the shit out of me. I lean on Tomek a lot, in so many ways, and I don't know how much he can take. I don't want to hit that breaking point where he thinks I've lost it... I always used to think that people who blamed everything on their emotional state (like pleading insanity) were just copping out and not facing who they really were, what they had really done. And to a point I still believe that. But I understand now what it feels like to feel like my mind is slipping away from me. Sure I'd like to blame it on the pregnancy, and I do, but it's deeper than that. This pregnancy is bringing to the surface emotions and fears that I've kept tucked away--dark fears. Fears I don't like to even talk about, lest I pull in what I resist.

That dream I had on Saturday is still with me. Now I know some of how I'd feel if I suddenly lost Tomek--I can't even stand to think about it, but it's lingering. It's like my biggest fear almost entered into reality.

Too dizzy to write any more. I hope Tomek is coming home soon.