Alone in the dark

Looks like this screen is the only thing I can talk to. I tried being alone, being ok being alone... I guess this would be a good time to have some local girl friend I could lean on. Tomek put up with it last night, staying here with me, spending time with me, and only left around 3 this afternoon. but now it's 930 and dark and i finished the meaningless task i was doing so i'd keep myself occupied and NOT freak out and i'm freaking out again. non stop crying--i dont know what the fuck this is, but any message boards i read, the women mention having "panic attacks" and how it cleared up once they went on Paxil or Prozac. That is SO not a solution, i'd never even consider it. but I really really really can't stand being alone. i dont know if its alone in general, or just alone without tomek, but i can't take it. and i think after last night he's had enough of me being like this. i didn't want to call him tonight i didn't want to ask him to come home. i called but i didn't ask. let him make the decision. he doesnt like this, well neither do i. but it's not like i've been like this for weeks and weeks. and sorry i happened to get like this on the weekend of a big boys weeked out. i called and i was crying and i told him it was happening again and i didnt know why it was just the i dont want to be alone thing--and he was concerned, but pointed out that he'd just left and it wasn't even dark yet and he was with me last night and it's just one afternoon and one evening. so obviously he's reluctant to come home. so obviously i can't ask him to come home. he's probably already starting to resent me. he was telling me all this and i realized he wasn't just going to come home because i'm upset, especially without me asking and i felt bad enough so i couldn't ask, so i just said OK and hung up instead. how mature. but what the fuck else can i say? what am i supposed to do, sit on the phone crying? 15 minutes later he called me back but i didn't pick up so he left a message saying that i hung up on him pretty quick and that they were going to another bar and to call if i needed anything. bye. well i think it's pretty fucking obvious what i need. and i realize writing this is probably making him look pretty bad and that is not my intention--or maybe it makes me look like a total nut case. i dont know. i just don't have anyone here to help me through this. i can't go over to my mom's. i have no one. and maybe i'd feel differently if i was in his shoes but right now i feel like i'd drop anything and everything to be by his side if he needed me.