How it's going

I feel I’ve turned into a shell of my former self. Not in how I love. Never in how I love. At least that remains constant. But that’s not enough to make me whole.

Everything else has crumbled away beneath me.

No, that’s not really true. I am making domestic headway, though everything has yet to be purchased for the pending arrival of Little Bean (who is not so little anymore!) The kitchen is my new sanctuary when I get home from work—healthy eating has been my focus of late. Add to that that I can’t seem to stop eating, and well, I’m often in the kitchen.

I find it soothing to try new recipes, put together healthy well-balanced (mostly) meals from the food we have available. I also put lunches together for myself, and make Tomek a salad and sandwich to take to work most days. I want us to curb our eating out, which is mostly in the form of lunches and coffees, cut down on using the microwave to cook (after taking a close look at how it morphs potatoes and meat and makes everything soggy and reading up on how a microwave actually works) and try to overall righten our erratic eating habits. The benefits of this are two-fold: healthier and cheaper eating. It burns me to pay $6 for a sandwich and salad that I could have easily made at home in 10 minutes. And I know Tomek eats out with the boys almost every day, and buys a coffee or two. I’d like to try to implement a coffee thermos for him, and on the days he wants a hot meal, a soup thermos. For that, I’m quite willing to learn how to make all sorts of scrumptious soups. And I know my sandwiches are good—especially the toasted ham, lettuce, cheese & cucumber ones! Oh and for breakfasts on the weekend—I’ve copied McDonald’s egg/sausage mcmuffins. Easy peasy. And especially good on onion-garlic flavoured “everything” bagels. And we use salsa instead of the fluorescent green/yellow hollandaise sauce McDonald’s has. Yum.

And our apartment has neatened up quite a bit. We still don’t have a place for everything—mainly we don’t have a place for all of Tomek’s work clothes and tools… or my books. But we did drop off a ton of stuff at a Salvation Army box, and various non-working electronics to recycling. If I can just get my electronic drum set to fit into storage, then I can fix up this nice blank wall that currently only my guinea pig’s cage is against. I had the idea of getting a nice big fern or other green plant and centering it in the middle, and then getting frames for some of the gorgeous photos my brother has taken and turning the wall into a photo wall of sorts. I’m not quite sure how to make this look good, but I’m happy to have the idea. I don’t want to do too much because we are looking at moving sometime in the near future. We had thought maybe before the baby was born, but we need to get our financial shit together before then. And we are actually in pretty good shape. We both have minimal debts, and Tomek just got a huge honkin’ raise… add that to my raise in February, cut down on the eating out, and I think we will be just fine. Things might get tighter once my income drops 45%, but I’ve watched my mom budget out my family’s income month after month, putting money into savings, having a little bit here and there for a pizza or movie… and I’d like to do the same. Tomek and I could each comfortably put 10% of what we make in savings each month. I already do this, but getting him started on it as well will make things so much easier for us in the future. We finally started looking at our combined incomes, what our bills are each month, and it was really interesting to study the numbers, taking into account all the things we are required to spend money on each month and then seeing how much we should have left over each month, and don’t. That led us to probe into how much we spend on eating out, coffees, etc., each month, and the current attempts to curtail our spending. It’s not like we buy a lot of stuff. Tomek and I are, as I’ve mentioned before, not too materialistic. I do want to have nice wood furniture and a cozy home, but I don’t need to have all of it now. And it doesn’t have to be brand named this or that (other than a mattress—I’m insisting on a Temperpedic). I love going to little hole in the wall stores that still sell good-quality stuff for fair prices. Mind you, they are few and far between, and when it comes down to it, Tomek is more patient than I am in searching around for the best bargain—if I see something I like at a price I’m willing to pay for I go for it. But it depends on the item.

Moving… moving… I’ve found out that my parents are most likely going to be moving to the interior of this province if/when they move back here—a four-hour drive from the bustling metropolis area I live in. Tomek had mentioned moving to Alberta, and initially it had excited me, too… other than the consideration that I’d be so far from my family (although if they move to the interior, we could be fairly close), and he from his friends (although it would considerably widen the distance between his parents and us, and he’d be a lot closer to his brother). He lost enthusiasm for the move, but I’ve maintained some of it. I’m not going to rush, but I know my life is going to totally change in 4 months, and nothing (especially work) is going to stay exactly the same. Perhaps this is some of where my recent feeling of drifting is coming from. I have a college education, but I don’t feel like using it for other people. I don’t want to write other people’s messages, push products I don’t really believe in or anything like that. If I write, I want it to be something that I believe in. That’s when I feel like what I’m doing is worthwhile. Conversely, I also usually cave under the pressure of getting the words out just right because the message is SO important to me.

Back to moving, I proposed to Tomek that he take a week of his vacation time a few months after the LB is born and we could go stay with his brother for that week and explore Alberta. See if there is a city or town that appeals to us, check out the economy, the locals, the atmosphere. I’m taking a year off work, though I want to make money on my own while still on parental leave. Of course I know that what I make will be matched dollar for dollar in coming out of my benefits, but that’s all right. I want to keep contributing. So I won’t have the restriction of a full-time job preventing me from going here or there. And once the LB is a few months old, it should be safe to fly.

On a personal front, now that I’ve heard the doctor tell me that I am such a healthy mom-to-be, I am more determined than ever to actually BE that healthy mom. I think it’s luck and good genes so far that have been on my side. I haven’t exercised regularly since high school. I used to barely eat. Just enough so I didn’t faint. I didn’t like eating. Now I LOVE eating. I can’t stop eating… but I try to make sure I eat big salads, and apples and other stuff that isn’t going to make me bigger anywhere other than my belly and boobs. I’m tackling the eating well, and now I have to get into exercise. I’d like to swim. I obviously can’t go jogging, not that I ever would… unless I could find a really soft surface to jog on. And I find the idea of being in a gym doing reps of this and that so many times a week.. boring. I’d rather do my stretches and mild exercises at home in my living room, and then go to the pool a couple times a week with Tomek.

I’m seeing a chiropractor again, which I think is going to be totally great—especially since she does prenatal chiropractic. A lot of focus on my pelvis and lower back, and she’ll also be giving me exercises for strengthening my lower back. I have continual problems with my neck, so getting that straightened out (literally) is something I need to keep working on, otherwise I’m going to be a hunchback by the time I’m 30. Heh. So while my medical doctor says I’m very healthy, my chiro pointed out that my pelvis is torqued… counter-clockwise. Nice. She explained how and where different ligaments are attached and why and how those being tight and yank on the bones they are attached to. I love how she educates me on just how my structural system functions inside of me. It makes the stretches easier to do, too, because I can feel and understand the changes I’m making. Next visit to my medical doctor, I’m going to tell her how stiff I am and see if she can give me a referral for massage therapy (both chiro and massage are covered under my medical). Tomek does his best to massage me… and it does help a lot to relax me before bed, but… I want more!

* * * * * * * *

The passion that used to fuel me: literacy, education, living drug-free, helping others find their passions, poetry… all this has faded away to I don’t know where.

This past weekend I watched an early-high school kid buy a hash pipe at a convenience store, and the clerk looked about as perturbed as if the kid were purchasing a pack of gum. The kid, on the other hand, was twitchy with nervousness, fumbling in his little Velcro wallet for money, then he didn’t have enough and was frantically signaling for his friend to help him pay for it. I felt sick to my stomach. And enraged.

Less than an hour later we were leaving the science centre when cries of “HELP!” rang through the air. From what I saw, Tomek was the only civilian who took any notice. And the science centre on a weekend? It’s not exactly empty. Tomek followed the voice, and we saw a teenaged kid in black come panting down a path. “That guy just robbed me!” he pointed to a figure in a green wind-breaker running erratically towards the downtown eastside. A security guard on a bike came whizzing by at that point, chasing the fellow in the green jacket. The kid wheezily jogged after them. Tomek and I watched them overtake the guy, but there was no action, no take-down… the guy in the green jacket shrugged them off and continued running. We decided to hop in our car and see if we could help. Tomek drove and kept an eye on the kid in black, who was now staggering on alone. We caught up with him and asked him if he got his stuff back. The kid looked like a frightened horse. Something wasn’t quite right. He started babbling about how the guy snatched it right out of his hand and his dad had given it to him. He said the other guy (on the bike) took off because he was a pussy. But he was going to get the guy. Tomek asked him if he wanted us to call the cops, and he replied, “Naw, I don’t think so. Cuz I’m gonna stab him.”

* * * * * * * *

My convictions have left me, or are quickly morphing into a bitter what the fuck is wrong with everybody? view on life.

Add to this my nightly nightmares:

Monday night: Seeing that bit in that movie with Keanu Reeves in Hard Ball where the smallest kid gets caught by a stray bullet after hitting in the game-winning run of the final game of the season—that was the first the kid played all season, he was on top of the world, and then… gone.

Monday night: Seeing my youngest brother get shot up and then sit in a hospital waiting room fading away and no one will help him because there are other people ahead of him in line.

Tuesday night: Exiting a subway train and realizing I don’t have my purse, getting back on the train and seeing my purse and its contents scattered across the seat, with my wallet there, open and all the cards missing, including my debit card, social insurance, drivers’ license, and emergency credit card that is linked directly to my parents’ account. A girl near me on the train was also robbed so we left the train together to try to find phone numbers to call so we could freeze all our accounts before the bastard could take our money… without much luck.

I guess all is not crumbling away beneath me. But it is all changing. I think it started with my dynamic with my family, my peers, and co-workers. And then I found my passions waning as I see the day to day decline of so many of us. It sickens me, and I can’t help people who don’t want to be helped, who are too cool for help, who just don’t give a shit. I don’t want to deal with people who don’t care. It doesn’t work. I don’t feel good when I try to help someone who clearly doesn’t need or think they want my help.

And in everything else that I used to feel conviction on, I’m half-way in between. Not here, not there, not who I once was. Perhaps at the core of me, the same little light is flickering, but it’s being buffeted strongly by outside winds. I’m not easily swayed by other opinions, but I find myself willing to listen more readily—and I can thank Tomek for that. He has opened me up to so many different aspects of life. Some I’m not ready to approach yet, but his unfailing curiosity about everything is contagious. I know I am still too quick to retreat into a book, rather than going out on the town with girls I barely know, or going to a dj show with Tomek and his friends. He has, however, continued to shelter me in a way from drugs. And I’m thankful that he knows enough about me to know that I don’t want to be near that kind of thing, and he’s never pressured me to try it, or to watch him do it, he’s never done anything like that at home… and he doesn’t really do it at all anymore that I know of. I guess we are both changing.

And we’ll continue to change, with the arrival of our Little Bean (who, as I type, is kicking furiously— I guess s/he’s saying hello to y’all). The kicking… that brings me to the highest point of my day each and every day. (Kick) Whenever it starts in the evening, I’ll lie (Kick) down on the bed (Kick) and lift my shirt so my belly is exposed. Tomek sits on the floor beside the bed to watch, or places his hand on my belly to feel. Some days, my belly looks like a waterbed that someone just sat on. Other times, it’s just a kick here or there (Kick) sometimes hard, sometimes soft. I can’t really tell if LB has hiccoughs or not… but last night there were some movements coming in pretty rapid succession, so I can think they were hiccoughs. Sometimes, Tomek will put his face or cheek against my belly and talk to the baby… (Kick) and promptly get kicked in the face. (Kick) I feel like it’s a real bonding experience fo—whoa… kicking and punching I guess… or stretching (Kick, kick)—for the three of us. (Kick, kick…. Kick) LB is VERY active, and the most noticeable pattern in periods of activity that I’ve seen are at 11 p.m. which s/he would definitely get from Tomek. He’s so tired after work, but around 10:30-11p.m starts to wake up again, and then can easily stay up till 1:30 or so (Kick). Other than that, I usually feel movement once every hour or (Kick) so. (Kick)

I was going to touch more on my waning creativity, and try to pur— (water bed wobble) —purge that whole mess out, but I think I’ll save that for my next post.

Thanks for listening/reading/skimming/caring/asking “How’s it going”.

-Phx