Free write. Mind purge.
I've rejected my family's religion--whether this is acknowledged outright or not, a void has been created. They never call anymore, don't communicate unless it's for work, or because they suddenly realize they haven't talked to me in 3 weeks. Yeah I'm married now and creating this life here, but it doesn't mean I want to be in touch with them any less. Now that I'm following a path my mom took (wife, motherhood, cook) I feel like I need contact more than ever. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I can't cook, and if I do, we always have leftovers and they often end up getting wasted which pisses us both off, and then I get sick of having the same salad, canned soup, pasta, casserole or chips and salsa over and over again. But it's such a waste of money to buy lunches five days a week.
And I'm supposed to keep this place clean... there's always dirt on the counter, dust on the shelves, mud or guinea pig piss on the floor, dust bunnies in the bedroom, streaks on the mirrors. I can't keep up. And there is so much clutter that can't be reduced no matter how often I move it around, or try to get rid of it or store it. I feel like throwing out half the stuff we have. Reduce our place down. Less clothes, less dressers, one computer instead of two, less shoes, less paper everywhere, less busted pens, recycling, empties, abandoned randomness.
I used to want to make a difference in the world. Now i can't even make a difference in my own life. My universe has shrunk. The concept of money, after 25 years, is still completely foreign to me. I can't budget, do taxes, keep proper records independent of the bank. I can save, a bit.
Then I get on these fucking moodswings and i drag Tomek down with me on his only day off and then I feel guilty and like I should just get away, but my body just craps out all the time and I just want to curl up in the corner and cry. I used to be able to fight these feelings by creating, doing anything productive and it would all get pushed away. But now all the disorganized dusty clutter is getting the best of me.
I need to do 2 years of taxes.
Tomek's car needs new tires.
We want to buy a place.
I need clothes.
I need to file all this paper everywhere.
There isn't enough room for everything we have.
I don't know where to start with any of it.
I couldn't even say what I wanted to say.
I never can anymore.
I need to change my last name everywhere.
I need a new wallet.
I don't write anymore.
My passions are fading away.
I just want to sleep.
I don't want to be like this.
Tomek deserves better.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
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9 comments:
Tomek loves you. . That is obvious. . . Don't worry about what he "deserves", just think that he picked you and your baby and he's happy. Because he is, and being happy IS what he deserves.
Don't fret too much about the things you need / want / should do. Prioritize - File your taxes - If you don't feel comfortable doing them, take them to H&R Block and pay someone to do them. . At least they'll be done. . . Your name change can wait. . Don't let it be something that stresses you out. I still haven't changed my name everywhere, and am JUST in the process of doing it now because I am on medical leave and have nothing else to do. Nothing is so important that you need to stress out about it.
If your family situation is bothering you and you feel abandoned, talk with your Mum about it. Is it because of the religion thing, or is it just that they're trying to give you newlyweds some space? Tell her how your pregnancy is making you emotional and the thing you need most right now is knowing that your family is there for you. Mummies love their kids regardless of whether the share the same religion. I bet she's just trying to give you and Tomek some space. If the religion thing was an issue, then she wouldn't have been as supportive as she was with your wedding and helping out.
And for God's sake, you're going to be a mother. . It doesn't mean you can't make a difference in the world, that you can't "be something". . . But don't sacrefice your health because it's something you're stressing about. You and baby are #1 priority. Worry about saving the world when the time is right. You are young - You have a lot of time to make a difference and do the things you are passionate about. Right now, just consentrate on getting rest, relaxing, and doing what you can. The rest will come in time. It's okay to put certain things on hold. A Bean is a good excuse to. . .
Good purge, though. I bet it feels good to get it all out. . . .
Listen to the misplaced phoe; she is wise. I'd add: make a list and prioritize it. Take them slowly one item at a time.
Also, this silly little book: Sink Reflections. I didn't do everything exactly as suggested, but there really are great take-aways from reading it.
When your house feels like a goddamned albatross all the time? It sucks. Getting it managed can make you feel so much better.
Believe me, I've been through this housewife shit. It can kill ya... especially when you're feeling guilty about how 'stupid' your problems are in comparison with the rest of the world, and you're exhausted, and you feel beat down, and you feel like your man should have a cheerful upbeat woman to come home to and not a pig sty and leftovers, and it gets to be too much and one day you just can't get out of fucking bed any more but you're thinking, "Ah, I'm fine. No problem! Just got to try harder..."
I know this whole experience. Big love, girl.
phx,
phoe is obvioulsy a woman with wisdom around here.
the food thing can be tricky, especially when you're trying to save money and be good by bringing your lunch. i've arrived at a compromise... i'll buy something small like a salad from the grocery store and bring yogurt and cereal bars from home. that way I'm not spending a whack on lunch and I have the freedom of variety with part of my lunch each day. or, try alternating days bringing and days buying. is there a foodstore by where you work?
does tomek cook at all? one of my favourite things is that k and I can cook together... we're just learning and each have a few signature dishes, but have tried to make saturdays about looking up a new receipe and making it, together. that's more difficult if your schedules are different of course...
okay, enough about food.
you're a great person, who is being quite hard on herself at the moment. ease up on yourself.
consider yourself hugged.
The Phoe wisdom...I can't compete with that!
I think we all feel this way sometimes. A bad mood can make everything from a grain on cat litter on the floor to a molding bowl of chili seem like unbearable loads. Sometimes when I'm in a bad mood everything anyone says or does is just another brick in my wall of gloom and doom.
Try to think of the positives and not the negatives that are going on. It's hard I know but just think how happy you are when a GOOD mood comes along.
Not great advice I know but I try.
hey, phx...
alot of this is pregnancy related. dont be sop hard on yourself. make a list of all the things that need 6to be done. then tackle them. one. at. a. time. keeping up is not the problem. its the amount of stress you put on yourself top do so. tomek isprolly more concerned with you being happy and healthy. if hes like me at all, the house and the clutter is something that can be worked on together, while watching the tube, or listneing to some music, or just chatting.
keep your chin up, friend o mine.
My wife recently subscribed to flylady.com and it has made a world of difference in how she faces the household clutter problem. It's a really good website for learning how to keep things under control, I highly recommend it.
You are all right, of course... but thank you for reading my rant, and caring enough to offer advice.
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