Those unhappy tears

I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. When she told us last night she wanted to invite a bunch more people, 40 of which would probably show up, warning bells went off in my head. Yes our parents have offered to help pay for the wedding, but I don't think that means they can dictate who we do and don't invite. But it looks like it does. I called my mom and my empress of honour to talk to them (well, rage a bit too) about it all, and then when I felt under control, felt like I had a good solution, I walked back into the house and talked to her about it. And it was hard. Confronting my future mom-in-law. Even harder when I realized that Tom was siding with her. I thought we were on the same page about the small chapel being good, therefore inviting only about 80 people was good too. I thought we were going to send vids and notes and stuff to people who didn't come/we couldn't invite. And yeah his mom did cede and tell me to tell her how many people she could invite.

But the thing no one understands is that I wanted mainly people we know well, a small crowd, an intimate cozy wedding with our closest friends and family, not a bunch of random people. Not a big celebration where people I don't know are toasting me and eating food and getting drunk. When we decided on the small chapel I thought Tom was okay with having only 80 people. And then I stand up to his mom and say we cannot invite 40+ more on top of the people already invited. Tom says so what. They come, there isn't room, they stand out side. Well to me that is completely rude.

And he and I are completely at odds with this. I went ahead and have been contacting all these places, getting info, prices, viewing, figuring, planning.... and now none of it is going to work it sounds like. I just feel like not doing anything more. But just as much as it is our wedding, it's my wedding too.

I even proposed to her that she could have a separate reception with all the Polish people from Poland and Spain and locally, and have a projector showing the film of both our wedding and Tom's brothers wedding in Russia, and then a big celebration afterwards. I thought it was a good idea. That would give hte People from Poland more time to come here. But she wrinkled her nose.

I will cede a bit too, because I don't want to feel guilty about this, and that is how they are making me feel. Guilty for standing up for what I wanted. Guilty for presenting alternate solutions. Guilty, guilty, guilty. And I can't stand that. But having parents help pay for a wedding definitely comes with a huge catch--they invite who they want. Period.

I had imagined the reception being cozy too, with speeches, and thanks to all the friends that were there, and I had visions of Disco Inferno playing and my brother and I getting everyone up onto the dance floor to whip out their most retro dance moves ever as my brother and I did the twist. Crazy good fun with good friends all around. I'm a shy person, and I don't know that I'd feel as comfortable at my own wedding if there was a bunch of people like that that I didn't know.

Tom has the wedding list now. Mine his and his mom's. Maybe we can figure something out so the reception is bigger and they pay for their portion of the guests catering, and we pay for ours. My guests, not including Tom and my mutual local friends, are 29. That's not a lot. That's including my mom's 2 best friends, both of whom I know, and their husbands.

Anyway, work is starting and my eyes are puffy. I think I got 4 hours sleep. I cried a lot last night, and I'm tired.

I didn't hear him tell me to get ear plugs.