thin skin transparent

If you had thick skin, you wouldn't be you, and that wouldn't be a good thing.

As well as not having thick skin, am I that transparent?

I guess I am. I don't think I'll ever have thick skin. Sarcasm and bitchiness will never be my style, not that I can't be bitchy. Or sarcastic. I can, but I'm not comfortable being like that. Fuck, I'm just nice. And this gets me walked on. Would it be better to have thick skin? Would I be easier to love? Would my life be better? Maybe I'm too sensitive for my own good. But I always quite liked my sensitivity. Even though it means I cry sometimes. But I cry when stuff gets to me. It's a release. If shit builds up, it's gotta come out somehow. I let people get to me. No, maybe I don't know how to not care at all what people think, so I always do. I don't necessarily change depending on what people think; the only people I want to please are those I love, but I won't not be me to please them. I work hard to please the people at work, but that's for money. But I care what people are feeling, what people are thinking. Too much sometimes. It's draining. I think Tom is the same way; he helps people a lot with no thought of reward for himself. He gets paid sometimes, but I think everytime he goes above and beyond what is expected of him; he takes care of little details that others wouldn't think of or know about. He doesn't rip people off. I can be mean to people, but I always feel horrid afterwards. I get a thrill out of helping people I don't know, or giving money to the bum playing the violin on the street corner and telling him his music is beautiful. His music didn't stop, his face didn't change that I could see underneath the long beard, but his eyes twinkled at me. And I floated for the rest of the day, on that memory, remembering that I'd said something kind to someone and it felt so good.

How can people live their lives enjoying being sarcastic to others, enjoying cutting others down, even if in a joking way? They must think it's really hard to be nice, to say something nice. But it's not. It's easy, and it's easy to be sincere too, to take an active interest in someone else's life. Be positive for fucks sake.

I don't like letting people change lanes in front of me though, or try to bud me in grocery lines. Have you ever noticed that elderly women do that? They angle their carts in to cut in line. Okay, if you said, excuse me I'm very tired, would you mind if I went ahead of you, (and if you don't have 100 things and I have 1) then I'd say sure go ahead. But trying to just cut in front of me... ! grrrr.

I was listening to a book on tape with Tom this weekend: No Remorse by Tom Clancy--so many people die in the first half of that book--first the guy's pregnant wife gets creamed by a transport truck, then his lover gets beat up, raped and strangled while being forced to fuck someone, and left dead hanging somewhere. Then the main character systematically takes out all these drug dealers, shoves a knife into the base of one guy's skull, ties up two others and shoots their brains out---fuck. I cannot take that kind of stuff. It has a long-lasting negative impact on me. And the movie that put me into terror? Where I was crying and calling out and couldn't stop feeling totally freaked that something was waiting around the corner? I mean, I couldn't be left alone???? The third Matrix movie. Something about the whole underlying impending doom just totally did me in.

I guess I'm looking for a land of sunshine and all I'm seeing is violence, hatred, guns, murder, blood, gore, revenge, fear and mutilation.