I did it again

Or, my writing did it again. I upset Tom. Or pissed him off. Is there a difference? I wish I didn't. I wish I could just be someone who always made him happy--I am good at making him happy, well making him smile or laugh at least. I've never been able to be as goofy as I am with him, and hearing him laugh is one of the two things in this world that make me the happiest, the other being making my mom laugh.

And I know something else, too. I know that we spoke of getting married after we'd been together for a few weeks. We were both excited about being together, and so happy. There were some down times because of drugs, but for the most part, we were so happy to be together. I still feel lucky every day to be with him.

I remember one afternoon we were lying together on my bed, and he was looking down at me, and he gave me this smile, and the way his eyes lit up, I knew that I've known him before. Reincarnation may be as touchy as religion and god to talk about but I do believe in it. And there's no one I've met in this life that Tom could remind me of--the way his eyes light up... it's magic. It's unbelievable. And he is unbelievably intelligent. And with the hard drugs he's already done, he must have a pretty strong spirit to not be totally fucked up. (No offense if you are reading this.) He's so able, so kind... and we challenge each other on so many levels, but at the same time, when we kick back and let it all hang out, it's the most fun I could ever hope to have. I've never felt safer, never felt happier with anyone else.

He's stood by me when most others looked the other way; he's got endless patience with me, like when I don't replace the toilet paper roll, or don't put my shoes away, or leave the ironing board out. Or when I have trouble talking. He gives me love when I'm withdrawn, and shows me that he's there, whenever I'm ready to talk. Sometimes I think I don't deserve it, but I try to reciprocate as best I can when he's having a rough day. He's more than worth it; he's my best friend, he's my closest friend, he's one of the 2 people in this world that I can be completely open with (sadly, neither is my mom... I wish I could tell her anything, but when it comes to certain things to do with her physically I can't work up the courage).

I love him and I wish I could show it better--i wish I could be a more steady, stable person, one that he would like to always be with. But I dip sometimes, I get down, and he gets unsure. I get angry, he worries. What am I going to be like with kids? It's a valid worry, but I never EVER take my anger out on people--I have trouble even yelling at people never mind touching or hitting them.

I take my anger out on the physical universe: I drive my car too fast, I kick papers, throw some cheese. I'd like to be the woman he might dream of being with. I know he loves me and is devoted to me, but I wish I could be more. I wish I could be all he wanted. And always happy. but it's just not me. I'm pushing myself hard this time around--I have high goals and sometimes I get discouraged, sometimes I get pushed down by others. I'm not callous, I'm not cruel, or selfish or self-centred. I find it easier to care about others than to care about myself. I've always been like that.

With him I know my life would not be boring--I doubt I'd ever come home to him drinking beer in front of the tv every night. He's go-go-go and so am I. And I know we need to find more time to relax. I know we do. And I hope we will. But he's got dreams and passions and so do I and I think being with someone passionate can only make my life richer, more well-lived. I think our life together would/will be an adventure. I hope he doesn't give up on his dreams. He gets discouraged sometimes, and has trouble gauging time. But I have no doubt that he can overcome that.

I wish we could be on a path forward; I wish I could know that we were working towards something, I wish I didn't do things to make him have second-thoughts. And I wish he understood my fears on how dangerous drugs can be. I mean, he's so incredible, I'm worried his interest in drugs might cripple him.

I spoke to lost_boy recently, and he's coming back off what sounds like a major drug addiction that fucked him up so bad he had to get out of the state he was living in. That guy is bright too, and creative--and a phenomenal writer. But he's almost 40, and just now piecing his life back together.

I dont want that for Tom. Not ever. I want us to live a fabulous, phenomenal, rewarding, fulfilling and happy life together.