a little rant

I’m angry.

I think it started while i was driving around downtown for 15 minutes unable to find parking, and surrounded by people showing off their bodies and their cars, living for that drink, that dance, that moment of grinding up against a stranger or that hit, that high, that moment of escaping the horrid reality that is their life.

I couldn’t find parking so I gave up and drove home through crackville, watching people stagger across the street muttering to themselves, scratching holes in their faces and legs, attacking a lamppost with a flyswatter—and I looked at all these people whose lives were wrecked because they got addicted to a fix. A fix. A fix for some kind of unhappiness. They felt they couldn’t make their lives happy on their own, so they turned to crack, to pot, to speed to alcohol, to get a little happiness.

And I believe that is the main reason people turn to drugs: to be happy. I see it in myself when I drink alcohol after an irritating day, I’ve seen it in tom when we had a confrontation and he drove off and smoked up, and I followed and found him high—try to solve an argument in that position. And was he happy? No. was he logical? No. he was an arrogant prick. But inside I guess he felt happy to some extent—or he felt an increased sense of I don’t give a shit bitch. at least that's what he told me. when he was high, he didn't care so much about not hurting my feelings. okay so you inject yourself with a drug and turn into a prick and hurt the one you love and that makes you feel better than just confronting the disagreement and talking through it with me? (I'm not trying to dredge up old issues--this one is past and we sorted it out, I'm just remembering.)

Really have we lost so much faith in ourselves that we turn to some substance (including pot no matter what everyone says about it being herbal and therefore okay) that will make our lives better for us, even if for a moment. Yes we have.

So you know what I think of all people who use drugs to get a high or to feel better (myself included)?

Pathetic

And I think posessions have become a kind of drug too. “having” is everywhere. It surrounds us, tries to suck us in. there’s status quo, and image, and style. I own a condo in a ritzy part of town. I can’t afford it but it makes me cooler than you. I drive a volkswagen, you drive a hyundai. I’m cooler than you. I buy a ton of clothes and keep up with the fashion--you dress the same as you did in high school. ha. loser. i have a boyfriend with a sports car. you don't. look at me and my big rims. listen to my thudding base as i cruise by. you'll never see me again, you probably didn't even notice me. but i'm cool.

Oh and you know what else is pathetic? Trashing Bush. All leaders will be criticized, and those who do the most good seem to be the most criticized. Perhaps that’s because for the past however long, doing the most good meant going against the tide of society. But we make fun of his speech anyway, we make fun of all the stupid things he says. Well, gee Abraham Lincoln didn’t have perfect pronunciation. Lincoln was a country boy. But he became one of the greatest presidents the states has ever seen. Sure a war was started that tore a country in two, and it radically changed the south’s way of life, but it ended slavery. and slavery was and is and will always be wrong. Fast-forward to Bush: He’s fighting back against something that seeks to harm others, that wants to probably destroy America. And soldiers are dying. Yes. And many of them are there against their will. I know that because I know someone in the armed forces--and its true.

And everyone is all for peace no war make love not war. Well the ideal would of course be to get all the terrorists together and help them see why what they are doing is wrong—but, oops. I’m not allowed to use that word. There is no right and wrong. I forgot. Okay, what they are doing is not nice. How’s that? Or what they are doing is pissing the great US of A off so they better crawl back to the third world country they oozed out of. verbal negotiations is not going to work with the terrorists right now--and their actions are a threat to an entire country (more than one, actually) so why shouldn't they be held accountable for their actions?

Nothing is right or wrong anymore. That’s where society is going wrong. Yeah I killed a guy, but it’s not wrong, because I’m insane. Bullshit.

I'm so angry I can't even type coherently about this all... but it's all so wrong and so messed up and so aberrated, and all i see is society going "yay, everything's okay... yayyyyyy"... into inevitable-self destruction

ideally, criminals and terrorists could be rehabilitated for read. Help them find an interest in their own life, something they’d enjoy doing—and you know what I bet they’d like most? Something at which they are helping others, or doing some good. You know why? Because the most rewarding, fullfilling nad happiest moments of my life were when I helped someone else. When I really helped someone. When the big tough korean guy read aloud to me and understood what he was reading to me, and smiled at me; that’s a memory that I’ll keep forever—and one that drives me forward in creating a tutoring centre that is going to change education for the better. When did you last feel most fulfilled? Most satisfied, most proud of yourself? When you bought your new tv? When you finally purchased all 7 series of that tv show? No, I bet it was when you helped the elderly woman who dropped her wallet, or gave the extra change back to the business owner who gave you too much, or when your loved one felt sad about something and you helped them feel better.

we all are more than capable of creating happy lives for ourselves and of bringing happiness to each other--help someone else out, do something to give another person a little lift, share a little happiness, let them gain their own. Jesus was right--even before he got all iconized and images of him cropped up bleeding everywhere to remind us all that he died to release us from our sins. nice sentiment, but i think it is up to us to take responsibility for our own wrong-doings. if you fuck up, admit it and make up the damage. period.

and while i'm at it, i'll say something about Bush standing up for heterosexual marriage as well. I agree. I've agreed ever since I was a child--to me, marriage is all about the creation of a family, about procreation--and that is not possible with a gay family unless they adopt. which now they can--but really i'd like to know how many homosexual relationships out there are based mainly on a sexual desire? i remember reading something about the rampant promiscuity in gay communities.... hello AIDS. ever heard the theory that there is a substance in semen that works to help shut down outer defences because otherwise no sperm would be able to get up the vagina alive? and how if you shoot that up an anus it can then travel to parts of the body it's not supposed to go and completely fuck up a body's immune system? i read that about 10 years ago in a book. and it makes sense to me.

And all that trash about tom cruise. Take a look at the good he’s doing and shut the fuck up.

Drawing on the experiences that touched his life, award-winning actor Tom Cruise has shown a dedication for helping others in need. His areas of contribution range from mentoring and education to detoxification of rescue workers suffering from toxic exposure at Ground Zero.

Tom is the co-founder of the 911 New York Firefighters' & Rescue Workers' Detoxification Program, which uses the Hubbard Detoxification Protocol. Co-founding the first facility and covering costs for many of the patients doing the program, he is engaged in raising money to establish an additional five clinics around New York.

As for his work in education, Tom is an activist and global ambassador for Applied Scholastics International. His work includes helping Applied Scholastics establish their 100-acre international teacher training institute and headquarters in St. Louis, Missouri.

As well, Tom's relentless support of H.E.L.P. has changed the lives of more than 5,000 young people. For his work as a mentor for youth and as a Founding Board Member of H.E.L.P., Tom was honored by the National Mentoring Partnership with their Excellence in Mentoring Award in 2003.

Tom's story:

“When I was about seven years old, I had been labeled dyslexic. I would go blank, feel anxious, nervous, bored, frustrated, dumb. All through school and well into my career, I felt like I had a secret.

“I was introduced to the writings of L. Ron Hubbard… and everything fell into place. I had a lot of catching up to do, but that was it! I realized I could absolutely learn anything that I wanted to learn.

“I don't want people to go through what I went through. I want kids to be able to solve life's problems.”

And how many people will read that and find their opinion changing from seeing him as a guy who hops on couches because he's in love and speaks out boldly for his religion to a guy who IS MAKING A DIFFERENCE ON THIS PLANET.

So he’s marrying someone who is 16 years younger than himself. Big flippin’ deal. Brad pitt is over a decade older than angelina jolie and they are the next worlds sexiest couple—woo hoo.

With all the critical selfish, self-absorbed people around in the world, it's no wonder I feel like it’s up to me to make a difference.

So I will.