Trains of thought

We’re hovering on the edge of something
Known
Not unknown—I’ve been here before
Time and again,
Every autumn since 17

-incomplete

He wants to travel the world, spend a few years here, a few years there—I know he’d be perfectly happy to travel around alone and discover all there is to see in the world. He’s not meant to be chained down to a 9-5. Maybe a family would chain him, too. I don’t know if he really wants a family. I don’t know if we can have children. I really don’t. And I don’t know if it’s a problem with me or with him.

But I WANT a family.

I thought we had something in common—wanting to be our own bosses. I’m on my way, and he is to a lesser degree, I think. He’s so intelligent that it’s inevitable that he’ll succeed in accomplishing everything he wants to. If only he didn’t get so bogged down by time. It’s just a concept, it’s not anything tangible that can really hold you back. If he’d just relax and decide he has a lot of time, I bet he’d find he does have more time. We can create time for ourselves. We can. But it seems the trend in society is becoming roughly “no time, no money, must have money, must buy more, need stuff and more and more and more till I die and I won’t live again so it’s all about ME I have to look out for ME fuck everyone else, this life is MINE.”

…And I’m scared of LSD. He’s had it and says it feels “safe” to him.

Then we argue over how it affects the mind. But we can’t even agree what the mind is. Some think it’s in your brain. I don’t think it has any connection to a body, other than that it’s attached to the soul that is currently inhabiting that body. With the amount of spirituality I possess, I’m surprised I fear death (of myself and others) so much. I think our mind is a track, a record, of all the lives we’ve lived before. And I do believe I’ve lived before. And I believe I will live again. And I believe that drugs mess up the mind by altering the memories, erasing some, fucking with the concept of time, so events shift around…

And all that comes from a religion I’m trying to leave behind. But all my deep beliefs that are MINE, that make sense to ME and that I accept as truths, came from that religion.

Anyone got a one-way ticket to nowhere?

No, that wouldn’t work. You know what a huge fear of mine is? Being alone. I don’t want to be single… but I heard once “what you resist you pull in” so maybe it’s inevitable. Maybe it’s true that I won’t be happy in a relationship till I’m comfortable being alone. But I don’t want to give up on us. On all we’ve had and all we are when things are good. And I know I wouldn’t be looking for someone else if we broke up, not like all the other times I bounced. I wouldn’t. I’d fall and I’d stay there, stay alone. Not that I don’t think others would come around; JR is flirting again, wanted to play “doctor” yesterday when he found out the office first aid pack had arrived. And then some guy at a bus stop ducked his head and peered over his sunglasses at me as I drove by. But I don’t want him to be replaced… I don’t think he’d come back though. And what if no matter how much I don’t want him to go, we aren’t going to be able to reconcile enough to have this relationship work?