I have to keep moving forward or I'll crash. I know I will.
Tom and I are on the edge of it all again because I spoke up again about wanting to raise a drug-free family. I don't want a husband who is high around the kids, I don't want to come home and find my husband and teenage daughter or son getting high together. Yes it would be better than my child experimenting in a dark park somewhere, but still not something I want. And I can't change it. I've tried. I've tried to be reasonable and kid myself that it will be okay if things stay the way they are and I keep spiraling down to the one truth:
He would leave me before he'd quit taking drugs.
And that somehow is overshadowing all the kindness and love and devotion he's shown me in the past year and a half. All I see is someone who won't give up drugs to be with me.
And it's breaking me apart.
We're carrying on with the day to day, we'll probably even make love tonight. I'm cooking dinners again and preparing yummy dishes for him, trying to hold on to the feeling of his hand taking mine as we enter the grocery store. Trying to remember the smiles he's smiled that have a way of evaporating everything negative out of me.
But it's just a touch and a smile, if I could ever unromanticize myself. What does it mean, really? I felt happy for a moment? I enjoyed the feeling of a human touch? What more? What really do we have in common? Our love.
What else?
We both are not materialistic. We both lost our religions--but I've stayed spiritual and he has not.
What is here to keep us together, really, other than my blind faith in Maya Angelou when she tells me
Have enough courage to trust love one more time. And always one more time.
What
is
it.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
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2 comments:
In the end it kind of comes down to the same question for you too though. He won't give up the drugs for you? one way to ask it, but what about: Would you give up him Because of the drugs? In the end it may seem like they're more important to him than you are, but the lack of them is also maybe more important to you than he is to you. It seems to go both ways.
Even if it's only pot, it's addictive. Maybe not physically but with most people I know they come to depend on it mentally whether they like to admit or not. (though they usually do.) Maybe he's just not mentally able to let go of something he's had for so long.
I say be firm and loud about the fact that you don't think drugs are for kids, especially any YOU decide to have. You don't want your kids exposed to them period. See how he responds to that once you get him past the joking around about it stage. I dunno, wish I could be more helpful..
and love.. IS a big thing, at least I think so.
dimlightslittlecity - thanks for sharing that memory with me... and I'm trying to make the decision i think is right.. sticking to my guns is hard when it means potentially hurting someone i love very much. And thanks for perusing.. I'll definitely be visiting yours again too.
Iri - good point. I have thought of that and it seems to always come down to that there is that "something" there between us that I've never felt with anyone else before, and there is so much in him and about him that i love, that i dont think he's worth giving up over drugs.
I do NOT want drugs to break us apart.
but i'd also like something a bit different from the way it is now.
I have mentioned the drug-free family bit to him... and he doesn't have the same want. I don't know that we could reach an agreement on that, unless we reached an agreement on drugs... it's a vicious cycle.
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