I'm glad blogs don't mold.

Yes, that's right folks. Tom is off on a "side job" (ha! He probably knew the job that had to be done here... and buggered off. Smart guy. ;) And Phx here is bravely clearing out the fridge, which has accumulated 3 weeks worth of... stuff.

• Mouldy cheese?
• Mouldy cherries?
• Expired, mouldy cottage cheese?
• Mouldy cream cheese?
• One little stale bun?
• Mutating green balls of something or other?
• Congealed colour-changing soup?
• Gray Chinese food?

Check, check, check, chek, check, check, check and CHECK!

Fortunately I have tried and true methods for dealing with this kind of thing... methods that will almost totally ensure that none of the following happens:

a) All my nose hairs get singed off
b) I grow extra appendages
c) I pass out face-first and wake up with mould-men dancing through the remains of my half-chewed brain

Unfortunately, I had the non-foresight of storing most of this food in opaque containers. Bad idea. I have to open them before chucking them because I cannot verify that the contents inside are, in fact, hazardous.

So here's the Phx-nique:

1. Grasp container firmly with weak hand (if you're a leftie like me, your right hand)
2. Grasp side of container lid that is facing away from you with your strong hand
3. Hold breath and peel back lid no more than 2 inches
4. Lean forward and assess contents quickly
5. Shut lid, straighten and exhale
6. If contents appeared to be one colour and of acceptable consistency, return it to the fridge
7. If contents appeared to be multi-coloured, fuzzy or had fangs, see next numbered list

Phx-nique for disposing of hostile fridge invaders:

1. If you don't feel guilty about chucking plastic containers straight into the garbage, then do so and you are done. (I chuck food that is still in the container I bought it in, but not if it's in containers that I bought separately, like Tupperware.)
2. If you feel guilty or otherwise can't bring yourself to just chuck the container, brace yourself.
3. Ok. Now let go of the counter and clear a path from the fridge to the toilet.
   
4. Lift both the toilet seat and the toilet seat cover.
5. Return to the kitchen and the offending container.
   
6. With lid firmly on container, shake container to loosen contents. (If they feel like they are sticking to the container, arm yourself with a large plastic utensil.)
7. Hold your breath.
   
8. Walk quickly to the toilet with container (still sealed) and utensil (if needed) in hand. Open lid, empty contents.
   
9. I know, it's not that easy... shake the container while it's upside down over the toilet, and bang it against the rim of the toilet till as many contents as will let go are in the toilet.
10. Flush.
    
11. Walk back to kitchen, to the sink.
    
12. Exhale.
13. Rinse container and soak in vinegar, bleach or whatever necessary to remove remaining food and odour.
    

And as for those 2 expired chicken pot pies in the freezer, yes, as Tom says, they are only "past their best before date" but honey, I bought them before I knew the guy who I dated for 9 months before I met you. They've been with me through 3 moves, and frankly that is 3 too many.